Being a woman

[DotingDad01]

Hi everyone. I'm a husband and Dad and wanted to belatedly ask for some thoughts. Our second child was tough on my wife as in the birth damaged her physically. 9 years later, I've realized that the emotional damage was just as bad.

I've been in to my work over the last decade, and have mostly been a reasonable Dad. However I now ashamedly understand how rubbish I've been a husband!

After the second child, I recall really feeling bad for her and whilst showing care, being nice, never gave a moments thought to my wife's emotional well being. It's both disgusting and terrible, I know.
Why am I thinking about it now? Because, after all this time, I realize she no longer loves me and being the selfish itiot, have finally started to reflect.

Together, we're very much civilized, without animosity, but loveless.

On the surface, she's a confident, intellectual, beautiful and fashionable woman. But underneath, I think she's not recovered, from the birth of our second child. I know this because she recently mentioned that love, between us, started dwindling after our second beloved was born.
So, clearly, this post is born from selfishness. However, I would like to assure everyone that I just want to get her to lover herself again.
I don't think, unfortunately, that our love is repairable and even want someone else to love her; i.e. she has an affair, so that she can feel loved and feel like being a complete woman again.

I honestly don't know if I'm being conceited writing this but hopefully someone will see read this and understand this issue. Be well everyone.

[cailindana]

It's not entirely clear what you're asking, sorry.

[Vivacia]

I think that this bizarre.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

A relationship is a two way street. It's very noble that you appear to be taking all the blame on the chin but it's rarely as simple as that. If you think your relationship has hit a point of no return then perhaps the way forward is to release each other from your commitment and allow each other to start fresh and find the love you are so keen on? At the very least I'd suggest you both engage in counselling, either together or individually, to help you turn a bad marriage either into a better marriage or a good split. If there are children, it's also better to model an amicable split than staying together at all costs.

[SimpleMan01]

Thanks. In terms of what I want. I just want her to be happy and whilst I still love her, it's clear she no longer loves me.

So question: do I tell her to move on and go and find love somewhere else?

I guess I simply do not know where to start. Counselling sounds like a good idea and a third party may be helpful in defining what we both need and want.

The other option is just to keep it as it is now. i.e. amicable and friendly, for the sake of the children, with politeness and courteousness being the overriding factors in our relationship.

A friend of hers told me that she, my wife, is not as confident as I believe her to me and that she, my wife, is not happy. All this time, I've been too blind to see it for myself.. focusing on work and on being a Dad.. that I've not even thought of my wife.

I just wondered if this resonates with anyone.

My comment on her being loved is due to her being so lovely that she should be loved.

If it's not me then my thoughts are that it does not matter.. ..but she really is so lovely that she should be loved by someone.

I've not shared this thought ever, with any of my mates but I think it is important to have a women's perspective on this.

Perhaps I've just totally lost it. Sorry!

[ApocalypseThen]

I think maybe if it's taken nine years for you to notice that it's not all fine it's possibly too late to have anything bar an amicable separation to offer.

[mix56]

Why don't you talk to her about it ? ask her what she wants ?
you may find she doesn't want to be released, apparently you don't, so then its a case of you both trying harder to get the joy back

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Talking has to be the first step. The conversation should acknowledge that neither of you are happy, things can't carry on as they are, and start discussing some alternatives. See how she feels about going your separate ways or attending counselling or whatever
Talk about practical arrangements. I'd hold off the mea culpa stuff, however. It's OK to acknowledge fault for the past but the emphasis has to be on a more positive future,

[Vivacia]

Do you think your wife might use MN ever?

[AnnieLobeseder]

I would say it's not that she never recovered from the birth of your second child, I'd say it's that over the intervening years she has found something very seriously lacking in the support you have shown her.

On a purely practical side, how is household labour divided? You say you're a good dad but do you know the names of your children's teachers? Do you do the school run? Attend plays/assemblies? Does you wife work outside the home or is she a SAHM? In the evenings/at the weekend, do you have equal leisure time? Do you expect her to clean up after you?

If you look through the relationships board here on MN you will read time and time and time again threads from women who have lost all love for their husbands because those husbands just swanned on happily through life after children came along, still going out to the pub, maintaining in their career track, keeping up with their hobbies, only doing the fun stuff with their kids. While the women found that suddenly they were thrown into this world of either losing their careers or constant clock-watching at work to rush home for school pick-up. Of spending all their physical and mental energy running the home and children. Of having no time for hobbies, of being expected to skivvy for lazy and disrespectful men.

So. How much of the domestic crap have you taken on and how much have you just left to your wife, probably without even realising what an enormous physical, mental and emotional burden it is? How much has your life changed compared to her since the kids came along? Think about that long and hard and then you might get some insight as to how the love died.

One thing I need to say though, if you think your wife need a man, be it you or someone else, to be a "complete woman", you have some seriously messed up issues with how you regard women. She's a complete human being in and of herself. She does not need you. She does not need anyone.

[badbaldingballerina123]

You say you still love your wife but also make comments about her having an affair and being loved by someone else. I don't believe these comments are coming from a place of love. For most men the idea of their wives having an affair is repulsive.

I think if you want out then talk about that. Dressing it up as you love your wife so much she deserves someone else or should have an affair won't wash.

[Keepithidden]

This resonates with me, and I fully understand the comments about wishing your DW would have an affair. I've felt the same and sometimes still do despite loving my wife with all my heart. The lack of reciprocal feeling is what causes these thoughts I think, it's genuinely a case of "well, I'm not making her happy, so maybe there's someone out there who can", while she's stuck in this slow-motion car crash of a relationship she's wasting time not having fun with someone else.

I think there's also a fair amount of transference there too as well, but that doesn't automatically mean it is an entirely selfish feeling.

Anyway, the idea of my wife having an affair is repulsive, but less repulsive than her spending the rest of her life in a rubbish marriage I suppose is the point I'm trying to get across.

I agree entirely with PPs re: not needing anyone to complete her, I'm not sure if that is just semantics though. Again it could be back to transference: I think I'm happier in a relationship rather than single so I apply that standard automatically. It's very easy to assume everyone has the same wants as you, but I'm mindful this isn't the case and we're all individuals. Yet, Happiness is not the same as completeness, maybe just bad choice of wording?

I'd also agree with the comments about domestic work. Although I would stress this isn't necessarily always the case, I don't believe in my case it is, but I fully recognise this goes against the tide of female MN posters experience.

As usual though, Cog's got it right I reckon, communication is the key between you and with a counsellor if that is acceptable to both parties (with the usual caveats).

[pocketsaviour]

"I love my wife so much I want her to have an affair for her own happiness"

You you can search free cuckold porn, right? You don't need to use MN for it.