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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Husband looked up a prostitute on Adultwork

33 replies

Aworkagain · 25/02/2015 10:03

Namechanged - as I don't want my past history to influence this problem.

DH's laptop was always locked down, and there was no way into it (he looked at Adultwork before, but had a 'plausible' reason, and I let it go).

When his laptop broke, he started using the PC.

My laptop's wifi was playing up, and I needed to look up something for the heating engineer, so went onto the PC.

I know it's wrong, but I decided to check the internet history on there.

There were tons of hits to a site called ImageFap... most that DH looked at were young girls. He also looked at gay porn. The thing that most irked me though, was the discovery of him looking at a prostitute in our town on Adultwork.

I asked DH about my discovery, and he claimed that Imagefap was a "terrible" site, where paedophiles uploaded photos, so he went on there to report the photos (hmmm... right!)

The prostitute? Well he claims that he was searching to find out if there was one he knew! He asked didn't I look at dating sites to see if there were people I know on there (erm, NO!)

When I said the prostitute's name he said "I don't know THEIR names" (there was I thinking it was only one he'd looked at).

So am I right to believe that men don't really look up prostitutes in their area to see if they know them? And is he really looking at young girls, in order to report the photos?

OP posts:

Report

Jumbee · 25/02/2015 10:05

Sounds like utter bullshit.

sebsmummy1 · 25/02/2015 10:06

Aworkagain this really couldn't look more dodgy could it? He is obviously looking at porn online and it's obviously getting more and more varied and fetishist. He is also looking at prostitutes. I would be wondering why I was with such a man and I definitely wouldn't be sleeping with him.

YouAreMyRain · 25/02/2015 10:07

Total and utter bullshit.

Aworkagain · 25/02/2015 10:09

Thank you, I don't believe his 'reasons', but just wanted an objective view, in case I was too emotionally invested to see clearly

OP posts:

oldcroneat39 · 25/02/2015 10:09

You could fertilise my streets lawns with that.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/02/2015 10:12

"I know it's wrong, but I decided to check the internet history on there."

Right there.... that says you don't trust your husband. There's a good reason for that given that he's been caught on dodgy sites in the past. What scuppers relationships is not infidelity or bad behaviour necessarily, but the atmosphere of mistrust and suspicion left behind.

Even if he was telling you the complete truth you wouldn't believe him. And that's usually when it's over.

warysara · 25/02/2015 10:57

ImageFap doesn't contain anything illegal, so it is just for him looking at the pictures :( And I can't imagine a good reason to look up a prostitute on AdultWork unless is it just morbid curiosity about prices / people / services.

ToYouToMe · 25/02/2015 11:09

ImageFap is for wanking. Adultwork is for punting. No other reason to visit them.

pocketsaviour · 25/02/2015 11:10

Just to add a different viewpoint, I have in the past looked up people on Awork... not because I was intending to hire one! More just curiosity. So it doesn't follow that your DH has definitely intended to hire anyone. However coupled with the obvious bullshit excuse for being on a porn site, it doesn't look particularly good.

(I'm assuming you've made it known previously that porn sites are a no-no for you.)

Aworkagain · 25/02/2015 11:35

No I haven't really minded porn sites, which is the strange thing. I've often said that I wouldn't mind it, but he has repeatedly said he hates porn!

I grew up pretty exposed to porn, so I guess my views on it are more liberal (though I'd secretly rather he didn't, and wanted to have sex with me instead).

He told me he never wanks - swore it. Yet one morning I found him asleep in bed, with a bottle of poppers next to him, when asked he told me that he had a wank, and I'd humiliated him.

OP posts:

Aworkagain · 25/02/2015 11:37

I could understand the Awork thing, if he'd said he was curious, but the statement that he was looking to see if there was anyone he knew there is ridiculous. He also only looked up one woman - so it also doesn't add up.

OP posts:

Aworkagain · 25/02/2015 11:38

Also we're not talking about just browsing ImageFap, his history was full of it - from when he got up, gets home, till bed - constant!

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Quitelikely · 25/02/2015 11:39

Your dh is a complete and utter liar.

Are you going to stay with him?

'Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me'

If you stay I doubt this will be the last time.

The fact he keeps his laptop locked is an indication that he doesn't want you seeing what he is up to.

I'm certain it's illegal to access porn on a works laptop.

warysara · 25/02/2015 11:44

He is a very bad liar and can't think on his feet very well.

As long as he doesn't visit the prostitute but is perhaps just interested to see if they do what he may have seen on imagefap you are good? Not sure what you mind as you say porn is okay.

I have to say that using poppers to masturbate is quite ... specialised :)

Aworkagain · 25/02/2015 11:46

It's not a works laptop, it's his own, but has now been scrapped.

I know it won't get better, though it's been better than it was. We used to argue, but don't anymore.

I guess I was hoping that someone would vindicate what he said, futile I know.

This may well out me, but in the past he's been on holiday alone, but had two coffee cups in his apartment.

I found that he had looked for bisexual encounters when married to his first wife.

He didn't want to have sex with me after our second child died, and I got so used to the rejection, that I now sleep on DC's floor. This does cause some resentment from him, but after three years of no sex, or being unable to 'come' with me, I prefer to just avoid it altogether.

I guess if he is interested in a prostitute it would be my fault.

OP posts:

Aworkagain · 25/02/2015 11:48

I say porn is OK as my dad always had porn videos and magazines hanging around, so I guess I assume it's 'normal'.

Have to say it dented my confidence a lot though, thinking that women had to look a certain way, and had to be sexually attractive to be of interest.

OP posts:

Quitelikely · 25/02/2015 11:51

If he is interested in prostitutes that's no way your fault.

I suspect that he cannot come with you due to something called the 'death grip' google it.

I think he is one of those men who addicted to porn/cheating/sexual risky behaviour.

I doubt he will change for any woman.

badbaldingballerina123 · 25/02/2015 12:31

He lies to you. He deprives you of a healthy sex life in favour of porn. He doesn't come near you and you sleep on your dcs floor. It must be miserable.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 25/02/2015 12:37

There's none so blind as those that won't see...... Nobody is going to 'vindicate what he said' I'm afraid and I'm very worried at just how reluctant you seem to acknowledge the many wrong things that are going on. What are you frightened of? What are you worried will happen if you accept that he is visiting prostitutes, entertaining women/men when he's meant to be on holiday alone and so forth? Is the idea of ending the relationship or separating so scary to you that you'd rather do anything and believe anything than go that route?

NeedABumChange · 25/02/2015 12:44

Certainly not "normal" to have porn videos or magazines around your daughter

DH sounds dodgy but tbh your whole relationship sounds a bit "off". Do you still love each other? Is there any affection between you or are you just together out of habit?

Also I once looked up hookers in my local area just out of curiosity. Wondered how many there were/ what they charge and if I knew any- and I am a hetro woman.

seaoflove · 25/02/2015 12:44

I'm so sorry you lost you child.

He's a liar, probably a serial cheat, you don't trust him, you sleep on the FLOOR every night... You don't have to carry on living in utter misery you know.

And no, it isn't your fault if he's having sex with prostitutes. He was behaving in the same way in his first marriage. Why did they break up, btw?

BreakingDad77 · 25/02/2015 13:07

Was it a male of female prostitute?

I dont know why you are blaming yourself.

pocketsaviour · 25/02/2015 13:30

I'm so sorry you lost your child.

It is in no way your fault if he is looking at hiring a sex worker. If your sex life together is broken then it may be something that can be mended, but it sounds like he is in complete denial. Saying he doesn't wank but then being found with poppers?? Not sure if you know this but poppers are used a lot by gay men as it loosens the rectal muscles. Maybe he was using an anal toy and perhaps that's why he felt so humiliated as that is a bit of a taboo subject for most men.

This is kind of reminding me of an ex of mine who also claimed that he didn't use porn or wank, but his internet history told a different tale! It didn't bother me as I also use porn and he worked away a fair bit, but the lying annoyed me as it seemed so pointless. Eventually it turned out he was frequenting swinger sites and banging other women

You must be feeling very isolated from him if you're sleeping in separate rooms (and on the floor!! you poor thing) What would you like to happen in an ideal world?

Christinayang1 · 25/02/2015 14:01

It sounds like he is a sex addict and I am afraid that is a long and painful road to travel. You can't trust him and you don't know how far this has progressed ...are you in a position to ask him to leave?

MrsJohnLewis · 25/02/2015 14:09

Oh god you're the coffee cup poster??

Why the fuck are you still with him?

He is a liar. A really bad liar at that.

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