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Relationships

DH uninterested in sex for years. Loves porn. WTAF? Is he having an affair? So ***king angry.

320 replies

FallsAsleep · 24/02/2015 01:00

DH and I have been together about 10 years. From 30 to 40. Done having kids now, we have 3.

When we first met we had sex 4-5 times a week. Never more than once in a night. The first time I've had a BF that seemed to be able to 'take it or leave it' about sex but he was often "too tired" for a morning session or again later in the night, and everything else in our relationship was wonderful so I ignored it.

When I did push him to do it, he was so kind of 'heavy' as though he was struggling to stay awake, and it was all too much effort, that I gave up trying.

He was interested in having sex when I've been pregnant. I think he likes me bigger with a big bum and boobs. I mention this because he also has a porn addiction (watching women with big butts being shagged from behind). That's what turns him on it appears. When I am not pregnant I am a slim size 8-10. He has had counselling for the porn and no longer watches it.

In between trying for babies we have sex maybe 1 or 2 times a year. At the moment it has been over a year.

I don't particularly enjoy sex with him because he doesn't touch me or run his hands over my skin. Sorry if TMI, but I don't feel 'desired' by him. He seems to have no idea what turns me on she touching me down there. But the real problem is, he doesn't seem to want to know either. The least amount of effort he can out in, he will. It's so depressing writing this down.

I used to make an effort in bed to turn him on. I don't feel like bothering anymore when we do have sex because I know he can't be bothered to try and make me orgasm. He is the only man I've been with who doesn't seem to get turned on by seeing me turned on.

Is he having an affair?? He travels every month for work, it's definitely doable for him and I would have no way of knowing.

Is he asexual? Is he gay?

I am laying in bed next to him, waiting for him to fall asleep so I can run my hands over my own body!!! I need him to do that but he doesn't.

When he cuddles me, he never slips his hands under my clothes to touch my skin. Is that weird or am I being weird needing that so much?

He does make an effort to kiss and cuddle me when he comes home from work but always in front of the kids (not sexually, just affectionately). When the kids are in bed he falls asleep or watches TV. It's almost as if it's 'safe' for him to kiss me when the kids are there as he knows it can't lead to anything.

I cuddle into him at night, he never comes to me for a cuddle. I lay there with his arms heavy like a weight on me, like it's a chore for him. He never glides his hands over me or actually cuddles me.

I need sex. I am desperate. I want to go out an have passionate sex with someone I have just met. Or an ex BF. Anyone who actually wants me rather than just going through the motions like my DH does.

What is his fucking problem? I am not unnactractive. I used to have guys queuing up to date me. It's like sex is too much fucking effort for him. I am so frustrated and resentful. Sorry this is so long. I needed a massive rant.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 24/02/2015 01:04

Are you sure the porn issue has been addressed? If he works away could he still be accessing porn?

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 24/02/2015 01:04

Have you asked him/talked to him about it? Whose choice was the counselling due to watching porn?

CheerfulYank · 24/02/2015 01:07

What does he say when you ask him?

FallsAsleep · 24/02/2015 01:10

After a couple of years of me asking him why he was so uninterested in sex, and trying to get him to talk about it, he told me he watches porn and every day. One day we had a massive row over the porn and other things, and I kicked him out for a few days. He started the counselling then, but he knew he had no choice as I would not go back to how we were.

He doesn't go as regularly as he should to the counselling. I believe he has given it up as his phone and computer history have no porn in them anymore. He does have all his other history there so it's not that he has just erased all the history. He also no longer stays up late in another room to watch it and masterbate.

So the porn has stopped, I am pretty sure, but still no sex life.

OP posts:
FallsAsleep · 24/02/2015 01:16

He used to say he was too tired, he told me he thought about porn while having sex with me and that led to another long dry spell where I was so angry and hurt. I felt shit about myself physically. He does not make me feel sexy at all. Other BF's used to make me feel like I was a hot sexy little thing, but I don't feel that way when I'm with DH. I genuinely don't believe he finds my body attractive. I have a good body for the record so I don't think it's down to me 'letting myself go' or anything like that.

Now he says he knows he has a problem and is working on it with his counsellor. He says he has a screwed up vision of sex because of all the porn. Which is true obviously, but he did manage to shag a lot of girls before me, and have a lot of longish relationships with GF's. So he is capable of long term sex.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 24/02/2015 01:19

Hes taking it out on you because he sees you as the one who stopped him from watching porn.

The porn was probably a partial cause but he could be taking it out on you because he sees you as the one who stopped him from watching it. He could be doing this conciously or sub conciously.

HelenaDove · 24/02/2015 01:23

FallsAsleep it doesnt matter whether you are a size 10 or a size 20 You deserve better than this. Many women a lot bigger than you who have been in a similar situation have found that losing weight has made no difference.

These situs are NOT down to the womans dress size.

FallsAsleep · 24/02/2015 01:25

I am the one who stopped him watching porn. But even when he watched it he was not interested in sex with me.

Sex is too much effort for him. He has said before that porn is just easier and less effort.

But there's no passion in masturbating to porn every night. It's like he doesn't crave the physical closeness of another human being, which is what I love most about sex.

Yet he cuddles and kisses me in a very non sexual way often. So he does love some sort of physical closeness?

He is like a puzzle that I cannot work out.

OP posts:
FallsAsleep · 24/02/2015 01:27

I'm just making the point I suppose that my dress size can't be the reason. I wish I knew what the reason was.

OP posts:
SensationalGirl · 24/02/2015 01:33

One of the things that surprised me about marriage is how important passion is. I thought, that after several years together we'd fall into this comfortable stage which is warm and nice. I had no idea that passion and lust would still be important components of a happy marriage.

And I don't think I'm the only one who got that wrong, I'm pretty sure there are loads of wives and husbands who don't even know that it is possible and preferable to have lots of hot sex to your partner.

I made changes to myself (as I was mainly the problem) and my DH has come along for the ride.

I recommend a good therapist you go see together, where you can talk about your need for sex. Someone who won't just tell you to restore the passion in your lives but also tell you, step by step how to do that because it's not an obvious thing, although we think it should be it's not.

Good luck, I really hope you can get through to your DH and get the hot sex you deserve.

BictoriaVeckham · 24/02/2015 01:39

You need to ask him what the reason is and talk about it.

This is a deal breaker for you by the sounds of it and he doesn't know that, so you need to tell him.

Not feeling desired or wanted in a relationship is awful.

What does he do to show his affection or love towards you?

Justmuddlingalong · 24/02/2015 01:41

But even when he watched it he was not interested in sex with me. That's quite common. Porn and masturbation gives gratification with minimum effort. Don't pressume watching porn would make him want to have sex. The opposite is usually the case.

FallsAsleep · 24/02/2015 01:42

I am willing to go to counselling, but he seems happy to continue with no sex. I am already turned off by needing to make my DH go to counselling to even want sex with me!

So bloody confused. He once came home with lipstick on the collar of his shirt. He said it was there because his colleague jumped up and hugged him when they won a new client in the office. It didn't quite make sense to me.

Another time we went to the wedding of his colleague in another country. A female colleague had a family home in this country, and invited us all all to stay there with her parents. The (young) female colleague dressed in her see through nightdress in the mornings, and would flirt with DH (he was still my BF then). She put her legs in between his at the dinner table in front of me, and DH smiled and made eye contact with her. He made out I was making a fuss about nothing when we had an almighty row afterwards.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 24/02/2015 01:45

Sensational i dont think the Stepford approach would work here (i saw your long and very extensive list of what you do for your OH on the other thread and i asked you what was on his list) because it sounds to me like its the OPS H with the problem arising mainly from porn.

FallsAsleep · 24/02/2015 01:45

I'm sorry to wander off in another direction. I just really feel and have felt some some time that he is probably having some sort of affair or sex elsewhere.

I can't prove it, nor do I have anything to really suggest it. Just my feelings.

Part of me hopes he is having an affair, because it means I haven't married a man with no sex drive which seems worse, and far more depressing.

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 24/02/2015 01:51

So you would rather he was having sex with someone else, than not having sex with you?

bettyboop1970 · 24/02/2015 02:01

There is such a thing called the Madonna/whore complex which men can suffer from, which is the inability to maintain sexual arousal in a loving, committed relationship.
Men who suffer this see women as either being saintly (Madonna) or as debassed (prostitute).
They cannot sexually desire their respected partner.
I know this is odd, but it is a Freudian theory! It may be worth looking it up.
I hope you get some answers and a resolution.

JamesAndTheGiantBanana · 24/02/2015 02:03

I just wanted to say that you can selectively pick and choose what bits of your PC history you can erase, or put it on private browsing, meaning that when you close the browser it will lose all the browsing history for that session, only keeping the non-private stuff.

He's still accessing porn, I'd put money on it. He sounds lazy enough to be satisfied with that.

I don't usually say LTB but he sounds like a lost cause sexually! You've given him ten years, are you going to stay sexless and sad for the next ten?

mathanxiety · 24/02/2015 02:12

I think she just needs an answer to the puzzle, Justmuddlingalong.

This sort of mystery is really hard to live with. For me the matter was resolved when I discovered exH had signed onto some gay porn sites. Difficult as that horrible day was, at least all the questions were answered, the biggest one being 'what is wrong with me?'

The OP's H is either hiding the porn really well, indulging in it when he is away on business, or is having an affair or even lots of casual hookups. Or he may have left porn behind but is unable to find anything to put in its place -- a mature attitude to sex for instance. His counsellor should really be trying to get him to work on eliminating the damage porn may have done, or exploring why porn became a substitute for real sex, and whether sex was ever viewed by him as a mutually shared experience or a commodity given and received.

Your relationship has taken a battering because of your DH's inability to integrate sex into the relationship and by the porn habit, behind which lurks a view of sex as a commodity, something he receives or that you give, and not a sort of a language to learn to speak together -- he does not know what you like by way of touch and he is not interested in learning. He is talking to himself (so to speak).

'I am already turned off by needing to make my DH go to counselling to even want sex with me!'
This is the statement to use as your starting point, OP.
Where do you want to take things from here?
What is your gut telling you about what's best for you?

HelenaDove · 24/02/2015 02:13

Brilliant post math.

mathanxiety · 24/02/2015 02:14

Very true JamesAndTheGiantBanana, or he might have a second phone that you know nothing about.

FallsAsleep · 24/02/2015 02:22

He has his work phone. I cannot access it. He has another bank account. I cannot access that either. He could easily have an affair without it begin too difficult for him to cover his tracks. I don't trust him, mainly because he has lied about the porn use and I don't feel he really respects or values me.

OP posts:

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FallsAsleep · 24/02/2015 02:23

Maybe he is putting the porn on 'private browsing'. That could be entirely possible. But actually, whether or not he is watching it, the sex is still bad or non existent.

OP posts:
FallsAsleep · 24/02/2015 02:24

He was watching it when we first met, I just didn't think anything of it. Thought all single guys had a stash of porn which they looked at from time to time.

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 24/02/2015 02:26

If there is no trust OP then its game over surely. He lies to you and disrespects you. He sees you as a domestic appliance not a wife!

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