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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Dtd with kids asleep in room

91 replies

Bitconfused123 · 19/02/2015 14:40

I've name hanged for this because I'm a bit embarrassed!
Currently having an argument with my dh. He is very cross because I refused to have sex with him while we were away and staying in the same room as our dcs (5yrs and 2yrs). I just felt that it wasn't appropriate and that my five year old is much too aware of things and shouldn't be exposed to this. He feels it was fine because it was pitch black and she was across the room.

He thinks there is no difference to doing it in the same room and in a tent (he's threatening to cancel our hols because we are camping for ten days in the summer). We have a big tent which is compartmented off. His argument is that its about the same space as the room as we were in and so the same kind of privacy. I am saying that the compartments (zipped up) give a lot more privacy.
The problem is we do end up sleeping in the same room on quite a few nights away and so he feels I'm being unreasonable with this rule. I have said that it's more about my feelings than anything else and if I don't feel comfortable he should respect that.
What do people think? Maybe I should have posted in aibu?!

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NoMontagues · 19/02/2015 14:43

If you're not in the mood, you're not in the mood and regardless of reasons he needs to respect that.

Personally I wouldn't be comfortable with DCs in the room either.

Vivacia · 19/02/2015 14:43

It is never appropriate to have sex if you don't want to. That's it.

RandomNPC · 19/02/2015 14:44

I wouldn't have sex with kids in the room either. Tell him to tie a knot in it.

Vivacia · 19/02/2015 14:45

And as for this, " he's threatening to cancel our hols because I won't have sex when children are in the room"? Who the fuck does he think he is?

ShadowsShadowsEverywhere · 19/02/2015 14:46

Fuck what anyone else does or think. If you don't feel comfortable with something then don't do it. You're hardly going to be enjoying sex is you feel uncomfortable and pressured into it so as not to seem "unreasonable" and why the hell would he want to have sex with you when you are feeling uncomfortable? Besides which I'm sure he can cope without sex for one night while you're away?

Or do what ex and I used to do when away with the kids - get a room with ensuite and use the shower together?

26Point2Miles · 19/02/2015 14:46

He's threatening to cancel a family holiday because he sees his 'rights' to have sex when he wants is looking unlikely??

That's the issue.

KittyandTeal · 19/02/2015 14:47

Would he cancel your trip if you were due your period over those 10 days (and were someone who doesn't dtd while on-I don't ever feel like it)?

StayGoldPonyBoy · 19/02/2015 14:48

I think if he's threatening to cancel a family holiday as he might have to go ten days without a shag then he's very unreasonable! I wouldn't have sex with a two and five year old just feet away either. I wouldn't be able to get into it, and my DH would never push me to do anything I wasn't 100% comfortable with. He would never be cross with me for turning sex down either. I think that's a major problem.

Buttyfly · 19/02/2015 14:48

I think it's fine if you know your kids are fast asleep and won't wake up. We do it if we have no other option - it would be a shame to have no holiday sex at all. However, your husband is a bit of a dick to be 'furious you wouldn't have sex'.

By the way if you do have sex in your compartmentalised tent, don't leave your torch on and treat all your neighbours to a special shadow puppet performance

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/02/2015 14:48

It's a personal thing isn't it? My 5yo would have been dead to the world and probably wouldn't have woken up even if we'd taken up playing kettle drums in the next bed. I also have NO inhibitions.

Sounds like it's not going to be easy to reach a compromise. Sorry

Allstoppedup · 19/02/2015 14:50

Well, I have slightly mixed views.

DS co-sleeps with us and so I did find it had an impact on our sex life as it didn't 'feel' right. When we decided we were going to ttc I realised I might need to rethink it! It's not ideal but needs must!

He's only 14 months so isn't massively aware of things going on. I think at 5 they are much more switched on, have the potential to have a memory of 'something' and potentially could bring it up which would be too much of a risk for me and I wouldn't feel comfortable.

The real issue I have is your husbands reaction- from your post it sounds like your children don't sleep in your room every night so why can't he just wait until they aren't in the room? Him threatening to cancel the holiday because he 'can't have sex' (which incidentally isn't even what you said!) is incredibly childish. I do think a tent with a zip is a completely different scenario! - He sounds like he is really trying to belittle how you feel and that really isn't on.

pocketsaviour · 19/02/2015 14:51

I have had sex (once) with H while our DS was fast asleep, we were very quiet and it was the proverbial quickie. However there were other occasions when we were away and sharing a room and he said "Do you fancy...?" and I said no, and he would respect that and just go to sleep.

My H would NEVER sulk or kick off if I wasn't in the mood.

ivykaty44 · 19/02/2015 14:53

No one should have sex if they don't feel comfortable - end of

As for holiday accommodationyour dh needs to spend a bit of money on holiday home so you all have bedrooms and that way you would feel comfortable.

Though tbh his attitude stinks

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/02/2015 14:54

Far more embarrassing is when your teenager is in the next room, not asleep as you thought, and sends you a text saying 'will you keep the noise down...?'

But I digress...

Vivacia · 19/02/2015 14:54

As for holiday accommodation your DH needs to stay home.

NoMontagues · 19/02/2015 15:04

cogito I'm dreading something similar from DD (13) one of these days.

Auburnsparkle · 19/02/2015 15:30

I wouldn't want to have sex with such a sulky bully - regardless of any children in the room.

Handywoman · 19/02/2015 15:38

oh yes Cogito anticipating a similar text from my 12yo sometime soon......

OP your OH is a totally entitled Manchild to hint at cancelling a holiday if he thinks can't get to have sex with you like he feels he 'deserves'. And I agree that a tent which separates you from your little one is completely different to dtd in the same room. But that's a secondary issue to his shitty attitude, though.

Jan45 · 19/02/2015 15:39

Look, you explained your reasons why and they are very valid reasons, he seems unwilling to accept your opinion, and all over him not getting his own way, he's the one who sounds like a child.

Thurlow · 19/02/2015 15:41

I couldn't with DC in the room, not even in the tent as you describe. It just feels wrong to me.

The idea that he might cancel a family holiday simply because he's not going to get to have sex during it is hugely concerning. Though not as concerning as him wanting you to have sex when you don't want to.

shaska · 19/02/2015 16:13

I wouldn't with a five year old, no. And your husband is sounding like a dick.

Bitconfused123 · 19/02/2015 16:20

Thank you for the replies. He is not generally a dick but is being in this instance. I just wanted to sense check what people thought. I am wondering if we might try some marriage counselling to deal with this because I don't want to leave it unresolved and think it might be better with guidance. We'll see...

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TrollsTrollsEverywhere · 19/02/2015 16:24

I think he is being very pushy and childish.

sweetkitty · 19/02/2015 16:27

When we are on holiday we either have one adult and two children to a hotel room (4DC) or if in a holiday cottage or lodge we all play bedroom swaps and fight to see who sleeps in with who. It's a fun part of our holiday and we can have sex when we get home.

MojaveWanderer123 · 19/02/2015 16:29

I've got deep sleepers here too which was great when the dc were younger but now they stay up later and I'm knackered by then so it's a very quiet quickie these days except for Friday afternoons as my dh is home early then
As for having sex while in the same room as the dc, I've done it once or twice and no one told us to stop struggling so we must have got away with it.

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