Feeling peed off with him...AIBU?

[AmonRa1]

I'll try and keep this as short as poss.

Been with OH for nearly a year now, he is amazing and we are very happy.

When I first met him, he had 3 male lodgers living in his house, 2 'professionals' who were there Mon-Thurs and one full time lodger. I admit, for me (I like privacy and clean as tidy personal space ) it took a big amount of getting used to, at times, it felt like I was back at uni. However, I'm currently (aged 27) back home for a bit living with my parents to try and clear some debt/ save for a mortgage so it's not like I had a free house either.

OH admitted early on that he doesn't need the money from the lodgers (he has a very well paid job) but that it was just nice to have and in the past couple of years he has managed to accumulate quite a bit of savings from having them. Kudos to him, I wish I was that savvy.

Anyway, his professional lodgers have always been pretty fine as you very rarely see them and they are (mostly) clean and tidy. His main, full time lodger though has been nothing but a PITA. He is quite honestly the most aggressive, most unfriendly man I have ever had the displeasure of meeting. He took liberties all the time, was messy, dirty and just generally not very nice to have around and always causing problems.

Anyway, one of his professional lodgers moved out a couple of months ago as he has relocated back to his home town, fair enough. That just left one of the professionals and the idiot, full time one.

Early Dec, OH found out that full time lodger had been stealing from him (he had suspected for ages and even confronted him at one point but he denied it) so he gave him his notice (hurrah!) He moved out a month ago, leaving just one full time lodger who is hardly ever there and honestly, it has been BLISS. I started to feel comfortable spending time there and started to spend more time there (something that OH had been wanting me to do for ages but I just didn't feel comfortable around there) After a couple of weeks he said 'do you know what, it has been so nice just you and I the past couple of weeks, we've been able to have friends round to stay, parties, our own space, I don't know if I'll bother to get any more and just have the one as we hardly ever see him. I don't need the money, it's just nice to have'

Inside I was thinking 'Yessss' as it has just been SO nice!

SO, cut to now.

We've literally (this morning) just got back from a weeks skiing holiday, the holiday was bliss, were on the plane on the way home and he says 'oh, btw, XXX (his lodger) has all his family down (wife and kids) this weekend.' I know it's harsh but my fist thought was 'oh god, I'm shattered and have to get back to yours to a bunch of strangers and kids running around (I'm not a kiddy person!) I just said 'yup okay, cool' as there's nothing I can do so no point creating an argument but I was dreading getting back to his.

We get back to his and he checks his phone and says 'oh yeh, I need to reply to all these emails re the spare rooms, got 2 girls wanting to come see both rooms tomorrow'

I left shortly after that, said I wanted to go back to my parents and unpack, say hello to them etc which I did, but really, I just 1) couldn't be doing with making conversation with strangers and 2) I just felt really peed off that, after all he said, he's got two girls coming around to view the rooms tomorrow.

To top if off, we are meant to be going to look at some puppies tomorrow (he's wanted a dog for ages and I am completely fanatical and have wanted him to get one too) why on earth would you be lining up new lodgers if you're thinking of getting an 8 week old puppy?! Puppies whine and poo etc a lot when they're young! I'm not sure lodgers would be okay with that?!

Also, 3 lodgers, him (and me 3 nights a week) and a puppy, it'd be like Piccadilly Circus!!

More than anything though, I am feeling peed off because I've so enjoyed the privacy and it just being us 2 the past month or so and I really am dreading having to go around his and deal with a bunch of strangers again and this time, potential, 2 blummin girls! I just want to have a normal set up with my OH is that wrong?

I feel fed up, we've only been together a year and he has talked of me moving in, I said no though as for me it's a bit too early (having been stung once there before) and also, I really want to save a bit more and pay off my debts before I move out again if possible.

Having said that, if we were still together come June/July time and things are still going well, I think I would take the plunge as I do adore him and spending time with him but there is no way id move in full time if he had lodgers.

At the moment, I stay there about 3 nights a week, I buy food/drink for us for the evenings I go around but don't contribute towards bills or anything. I understand that because of this I can't exactly have a say on him having lodgers but he has openly admitted that he doesn't need the money on more than one occasion and I can't help thinking he's putting financial gain (that he doesn't even need) before our relationship and happiness/privacy.

I'm 27 and he's 30, a lot of my friends are co habiting/ married and none of them have lodgers and they don't earn nearly as much as him. If it was either have them or lose the house I could totally understand, though he could downsize, what single person needs a 5 bed house?! But that's not the situation and I just feel a bit aggrieved.

AIBU?

[Whereisegg]

Why didn't you just say out loud how pleased you were at the lack of lodgers now and that you would definitely spend more time there?

[warysara]

Maybe he just doesn't want to settle down and enjoys the company of others? If you get used to a busy house then just sharing with one person isn't fun?

[AmonRa1]

Whereisegg- that's what my mum said just now. In all honesty, I don't know. I guess I'm very wary of coming across like I'm 'laying the law down' and telling him what to do with his own house that I have no part in, because I'm not too sure id like that if the situation was reversed. I guess, also, I don't want to HAVE to say that to him because, really, should I have to?! Isn't it obvious that I would prefer it now? I'm spending more time there, which he's noted and said he likes so I was kinda hoping he'd realise why. I've never openly said to him that I hate him having lodgers, because it's not my call and I don't want to create an argument, but, realistically, this is probably what I'm going to have to do now when I go back to his in a bit.

Warysara, I genuinely don't think that's it and if that is the case then tbere is a big Q Mark over the relationship as I'm 27 now and that's not what I want. No, I think I know why it is he wants lodgers and that's because basically, he is very mercenary. He LOVES money, he's not tight but he's definitely a saver not a spender and I think he jist loves seeing his bank balance roll up. Is that more important than me and my feelings, maybe

[MagpieCursedTea]

Have you told him all this? Including your long term thoughts about moving in with him? Honest communication is the best course of action here.

[MrsDiesel]

I think yabu because you haven't been honest and upfront about how you feel so how is he supposed to know. He's not a mind reader. Maybe he thinks you would be more comfortable spending time there I it is girls living there and not a house full of blokes.

[pinkyredrose]

Um why couldn't you take over one of the spare rooms? You could contribute a bit of cash, live with your fella and have space to yourself too.

[Creatureofthenight]

I think YABU to think that him having income from lodgers is more important than your feelings if you haven't actually discussed those feelings with him! Tell him honestly how you feel about the situation.

[Whereisegg]

But he can't guess how you're feeling. When he said that he might not replace the lodgers as he was enjoying the space and having you over more and you didn't verbalise your agreement/delight, he has come to the very logical (imo) conclusion that you didn't agree.

[AmonRa1]

Okay, Im now leaving my parents to drive back to his so will speak to him when I get there. Wish me luck because if his response IS that he cares more about money he doesn't even need then my/our future happiness then I will be peeved and will have a lot to think about.

[ashaaima]

mmm.smells kinda fishy.are you sure that the house is really his?because i knew someone who had lodgers, didnt take money,then this,then that and all that stuff.i think that you need to really find out everything about him i mean the truth.

[AmonRa1]

Well that went down like a lead balloon. I guess I went round all fired up and maybe didn't talk about it in the best way as he got so offended, told me I'd 'completely ripped to shreds his life and way of living without having ever mentioned it before for the past year nearly and to get out if I'm going to be like that' I said sorry, tried to explain my reasonings calmly but bottom Line is, I don't think he'll compromise on lodgers for me so I'm not sure where that leaves this relationship. So long as he's doing okay financially, that seems to be all he cares about. Or at least that's how it seems. He said why would anyone rattle around in a 5 bed house on their own when they could fill it with lodgers and make money. I get that but 1) he's not a single person anymore and if we've got a future he should be sensitive to my feelings/ needs too. And 2) He doesn't have to have this massive 5 bed house, downside to a 3 bed and then no need for him to have lodgers. I would then move in if things were going well in 6-8 months time and then help him out with living costs.

It's the way he reacted that's made me Q the relationship. In almost a year, he's NEVER flown off the handle like that, I know he's tired but he was literally like you can 'get the f*ck out' wtf?! All I did was voice my concerns, if I can't do that then what's the point?!

Also my relationship with my ex was toxic, he had all the power as he was very wealthy and I had debt rtc and moved into his house, if we had an argument it was always 'get out of my house' and I'd have to go back to my parents for the night. Also, he held all the cards in terms of money and used it as a power imbalance to his advantage, I don't want to be with another man like that.

I love him to bits and he has genuinely been the most loving and supportive BF to me over the past year, but tonight has really shocked me.

[PoppyField]

Just hold back. You are over-thinking here. You don't like his lodgers, or rather the fact of him having lodgers. You're perfectly entitled to your opinion, but it's not your house and it's up to him what he does with it. You've been seeing him for less than a year - that is not long. I think you have been tiptoeing round the issue for a while and it is fine to tell him how you feel. But also, you have to realise that this might be a deal-breaker for him. He might not like your opinion at all and you have to be prepared for him to totally disagree. It seems clear from his actions i.e. getting logders in his home and touting for new ones, that he likes getting the money AND lodgers.

If he wants the relationship to continue, do it on your terms. Get debt-free, get your own place and get to a point where you can see him in your space and organise your space how you want it. Then you won't have to go to his and put up with his lodgers. Just don't go to his place. Make that your boundary.

Don't get into another relationship with someone who has all the power and won't compromise. Sounds like this is another one who 'holds all the cards'.

I think you should back off. OK so you 'love him to bits' but it's all a bit much too soon.

[ATruthUniversallyAcknowledged]

Well he shouldn't have told you to fuck off, but apart from that I'm not sure what he's done wrong.

He has his home life (with lodgers), you have yours (with parents). Until you both decide to do away with that and live together I don't see how you can dictate to him how many people he has living in his house?

If the private time is important to you then can you arrange more weekends away?

[YvyB]

Poppy is so right: you need to be equals. Sort your financial security out and get your independence, THEN you can speak from a position of strength. At the moment, you've chosen to adapt your living conditions to benefit your finances - it seems a little hypocritical to criticise him for doing the same.

I do understand that the lodgers compromise your privacy and it all feels rather studenty but, to be fair, living with your parents to pay off debts is also rather a studenty situation. Get yourself sorted as an independent adult, establish your own home where YOU get to set the boundaries and then see if his attitude changes. If it does then it's win-win; you've got a truly equal, grown up relationship. If it doesn't then you have your own home and you can CHOOSE where your future lies.

[AmonRa1]

I went up to his bedroom and he has just come up.

He said he understands my concerns and isn't dismissing them but that I brought it up with him when he was shattered after just coming back off holiday and laid into him (I was a bit shrieky I guess but I wouldn't exactly say I 'laid into him' but whatever) and brought up loads of issues that he hasn't even been aware of these past 9 months. He said he'll talk about it another day when were both not tired etc.

that's fair enough but I can't see it changing anything. I think I'm so insecure now when it comes to finances thanks to
my dickhead ex that now I'm assuming/paranoid/worried that all the relationship issues I've had in the past re money are going to come back again or worse. I guess deep down I don't see how I can be happy with someone who earns so much more than me

But he has been nothing but lovely to me from the day we met, I want to believe he wouldn't try and use the money imbalance against me but I really don't know.

Me living at home is me trying to sort my finances out, but realistically, I won't be able to have enough for a deposit until I'm about 31, I've too much debt to clear first. So it's going to be a long road and I think, underneath it all, this is where all my insecurities/ anxiety lies

[BoomBoomsCousin]

What on earth did you say to him that he felt you'd completely ripped to shreds his life and way of living?

Surely all there was to say was "I thought you'd said you liked having just the two of us and might not replace the lodgers?" And then listen to his reasons and discuss nicely what it means for the two of you. (Also have to agree with pp - you're living with your parents to save money, so blaming him for taking lodgers and the lack of private space the two of you have is sort of hypcritical).

[AmonRa1]

Unfortunately we will never be equals financially, the top end of his profession has earning power of £100k I will never earn that amount of money unfortunately!

[velvetspoon]

Agree with previous posters, you need to get your finances sorted and move out from your family. living at home with parents in your late 20s wouldn't be seen that positively by many (my 20something female friends would never date a guy that age who wasn't living independently) and it does seem the relationship is quite financially imbalanced.

I could never face having lodgers when I first bought my own house, pre DC, but I know a couple of guys who did and had paid off their mortgages by their early 30s....

[AmonRa1]

I was renting with a friend but thought this is ridiculous, I was paying £600 a month and thought I'd be better off ploughing that money into clearing my debts each month. I am trying to shift them and save but I only earn so much (and I'm not on a bad wage for my age (mid 20s) ) so obviously it is going to take me a while. What happens in the interim who knows, all I could think is if I went and rented a house on my own or with a friend again then yes, that would make it more balanced but then I couldn't save for a mortgage so I just feel it's a bit of a hopeless situation. I think in just tired from the holiday and over thinking/analysing things.

I definitely did not pick apart his life and living arrangements, at all. He is tired and being over dramatic on that score. He took offence because I insinuated he was mercenary. I can understand why that might rile you, but in a sense, he IS mercenary!

[YvyB]

If this relationship is the real deal, he is laying down incredibly strong foundations for your future lives. Be patient and focus on sorting your own situation out so you can join him in a position of financial security. If it's meant to be, it will happen in time. My parents started married life working in a 3rd world country. They didn't come home for 3 years. I know my mum in particular found it very hard but they made the decision purely to save like mad whilst they were there in order to give themselves a secure foundation to build on. My mum is the first to say that everything that followed was possible because of those 3 hard years. I had a mum who could stay at home to look after me when I was small because of those 3 years. 3 decades later, I had parents who took early retirement and were able to support and help me when I very unexpectedly became the single mother of a baby born with a potentially life threatening condition because of those 3 years.

dig deep and keep reminding yourself that "this, too, shall pass". Whatever the long term future of your relationship, the short term pain now can only benefit you in the long term.

[BathtimeFunkster]

He took offence because you were being a dick.

His living arrangements are not your business.

Why the fuck should he lose out on hundreds of pounds a month to keep his girlfriend (who lives at home to save herself hundreds of pounds a month) happy?

You are being mercenary - you have given up your own place to save money, but you expect him to provide one for you for nothing.

Well that's not how he lives. He has lodgers and likes living in a full house and saving money.

And more power to him.

Your behaviour in driving over to his house to shriek about this is truly dreadful.

I think he was right to tell you to get the fuck out.

[YvyB]

Btw, being financially equal does not mean earning the same amount. It means both taking equal responsibility for living within their means and not spending money in a way that could jeopardise the future. Anyone, no matter what they earn, can be equal to anyone else from that position.

[Joysmum]

My dh had lodgers and that continued whilst we're were seeing each other but when I moved in and it was clear we were working they were given notice.

There's no way in earth I would ever have spoken to him the way you did with your BF

It's his home, his life you're not in a isotope to lose your rag with him like that when the poor sod had no clue.

I certainly hope you did raise the fact that he doesn't need the money! That's not up to you when all you're doing is dating and have debt when he doesn't.

It's no wonder he's annoyed.

He must love you a lot not to have told you to leave and give him space.

[AmonRa1]

I didnt drive around to shriek at him. I was going back to his anyway. I tried to put my points across calmly but yes, maybe my voice waivered at times but I certainly wasn't derogatory in any way or critical of how he lives his life. I said that him having lodgers made ME uncomfortable, that I felt like we rarely had any privacy, that it's been nice the last few weeks just us 2, that not right now granted, but if we were still together in 6 months time and all going well, perhaps we could then think about me moving in and sharing living costs. That is what I said, I didn't deserve to be told to get the fuck out. IMO it was an over reaction. I was expressing my views, being honest, not dictating to him or making divaish demands.

[Fairenuff]

he got so offended, told me I'd 'completely ripped to shreds his life and way of living without having ever mentioned it before for the past year nearly

I think he has a point here. You didn't really handle this conversation very well and you could have picked a better time. He should not have sworn at you and you should not have been 'shrieking' at him.

I would leave it for now and talk with him again tomorrow. It's fine for you to express how you feel but it is also fine for him to say that he wants to keep his lodgers. If you can't agree and/or compromise then you will have to go your separate ways.