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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Thank you all - I finally called time!

19 replies

ITSL00KINGBETTER · 31/01/2015 16:06

I have regularly read the posts on here, and posted once in summer 2013 (under a different user name) about my domestic abuse situation (emotional, sexual, financial for years - and recent physical abuse prompted my post).

The advice was a resounding 'LTB' but I was too scared.

I carried on visiting this board - despite him telling me "it's a load of sad man-haters with fuck all else to do" and telling me to stop. The problems were so familiar, the advice the same, and every post strengthened me, educated me, and enabled me.

I threw him out on Monday. He has followed the exact script I'd expected, behaved exactly as you'd all said they do. Because I was informed and prepared I have been strong enough not to crumble and apologise for upsetting him, which is what I would normally have done. I have been strong enough to tell him "it is over".

For years and years I had tried to end things and things have got worse and worse, he blamed me and I believed him, he said I was mental, I believed him, he said I was unhinged, wrong, pathetic, useless, frigid, and I believed him. He told me I wouldn't cope, I'd destroy the children ("how could you, they worship me"), that I'd be alone forever because no-one else would want or put up with me, and I believed him. He degraded, humiliated, disrespected and belittled me, lied, undermined me, then reeled me in with scraps of kindness (which made me feel wonderful at the time, how sad is that). I kept thinking "it'll be different this time, he'll be different, I'll 'behave properly', he loves me".
Then the cycle would begin again and again and again.

Through reading posts and advice on here the scales gradually fell from my eyes and I saw the truth. Once you see it, it can't be unseen.

I can't ever thank you all enough for taking the time and trouble to post, you've saved my life. When I'm stronger I will contribute more and hope I help even just one person. For everyone struggling at the moment I truly hope your situation changes and you find happiness.

In the meantime - if you are unhappy in your relationship you don't have to be in it. No matter how trapped you think you are, how hard leaving feels, and no matter how powerless you feel, keep seeking advice, build your knowledge, plan your exit (or theirs) and there will come a time when you will be ready. Please seize that moment and change your future. It doesn't have to be the way it's always been.

Incidentally, my children are fine with what's happened, and actually seem relieved. The devastated tears and upset I had been expected just haven't happened. The atmosphere at home is so different, it's peaceful, relaxed and we're no longer walking on egg shells Smile

OP posts:
arlagirl · 31/01/2015 16:12

Oh well done.
You sound so strong.
I'm in a similar situation...told the children would be devastated.
Er no. Relieved that mum is happy.

Hope all goes well.

ineedabodytransplant · 31/01/2015 16:14

Congratulations. Flowers

Try not to give him any more of your hesd space.

Now you and your children can start living. Enjoy all the time for you and them.

And now he can crawl back under the stone he came out from.

ITSL00KINGBETTER · 31/01/2015 16:22

Thank you Arlagirl. I wish you and your children strength and good luck going forward.

The thing that's made be stronger - and which really, really surprised me - is that my family and friends believe me. He'd messed with my head so much I was sure that no one would. They not only believe me but tell me it wasn't my fault - I thought if I did more, had sex more, forgave more, became more subservient it would be ok. When the cycle started again I ramped up my effort and fell for it time and time again.

Not strong all the time, I'm grieving for what I thoughtI had, or could have had (if that makes sense), and cross I wasted so much time, but finally the future seems worth having.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 31/01/2015 16:56

That's a very positive story and I wish you well.

iwashappy · 31/01/2015 17:49

I am pleased that you found the strength to tell him that it is over. Well done and stay strong. You sound like you have very much made the right decision and great that your children are okay too. You already seem like you have a much happier environment at home.

As you know you will get lots of good support and advice on here. Take care. Flowers

AnyFucker · 31/01/2015 17:56
Thanks
Wh0dathunkit · 31/01/2015 19:08

What a great thread! I desperately wish that I'd heard of mumsnet when I was in an abusive relationship (I've figured out it was of the coercive control flavour). I lost only a few years of my life, and only a few tens of thousands of pounds, so in the grand scheme of things, I think I got away pretty lightly.

Stay strong OP - life is so good once you are free x

Lambzig · 31/01/2015 21:47

That made me cry OP, you are amazing. I wish you the absolute best for you and your childrens' future.

I hope this thread is an inspiration to others in your situation.

Many Flowers

Lweji · 31/01/2015 21:57

So pleased to read your posts. It's great to hear when people who have been here struggling finally make their escape.

Wishing you a very happy life.

PopularNamesInclude · 31/01/2015 22:03

you are amazing op!

bettyboop1970 · 31/01/2015 23:20

BrilliantFlowers. You are free!!!!

PacificDogwood · 31/01/2015 23:23

Thanks

Onwards and upwards Smile

theeternalstudent · 31/01/2015 23:27

well done OP
I wish you all the best and a happy future
Flowers

borisgudanov · 01/02/2015 13:34

"Sad man-haters"? Well I'm a man and you can tell him from me that he's a twat.

On second thoughts just get your solicitor to have his nasty misogynistic chauvinist prejudices right up that arse he keeps talking out of.

borisgudanov · 01/02/2015 13:34

*shove

rembrandtsrockchick · 01/02/2015 18:38

Well done my lovely.

ToastMakesMeHappy · 01/02/2015 18:46

Lovely to read you are free. Wishing you and your children all the best.
Flowers

ninetynineonehundred · 01/02/2015 18:55
Flowers
Somethingtodo · 01/02/2015 19:01

Well done.

Your children will be really proud of you and they will now know that when something is toxic they should walk away.

You have given them a great childhood by removing the dysfunctional stress and giving them back the lovely Mum they deserved who was trapped in another personality.

You have also reduced their own risk substantially of being the victim of an abusive relationship when they are themselves adults....so you have effected generations of positive change.

You F&F will be delighted to now be able to love and support you as they would have been blocked from doing this by your abusive relationship - lap it up, heal and nourish your children with all the love and stability you all deserve...xx

Go girl!!!

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