Siblings

[Pleasepassthewine]

I don't know if this is the right board to post this on. It's asituation that's really upsetting me and I just wondered if anyone else could offer any advice!

My sister and I have never really got on. We're both adults now with our own families. There has always been some tension between us, for as long as I can remember, but just recently it has for worse. I have no idea what the cause is. I would like to be friends with her.

When we were little my sister, who is older, was usually favoured, certainly by our dad. I always felt not quite as clever or pretty or as slim as she was.
As a result of this, which was deeply ingrained in my childhood, I have very low self esteem and no confidence.

We were both very close to our mum who sadly died some yeras ago. Mum knew of our difficulties but she didn't undestand it either. My dad became ill when I was still living at home and so I helped out a lot. Mum and I were then the best of friends and it remained like this until she died. Over the years I've tried hard to be a good sister, ive looked after her children for free when she went back to work, ive babysat so she can go out etc. I went on a spa day for her birthday (at her insistence, I didn't want to go as id just had a baby and was breastfeeding - my poor boobs were like rocks at the end of the day!!) she has never done anything like this for me and I would never ask a favour of her. Sometimes I have asked her to meet up etc but she always says no, it's on her terms only.

Now I'm married with my own kids. My kids like to see her children, their cousins and up until recently we would often meet and the kids would play. However suddenly, she stopped all contact. She's become very frosty towards me and I haven't seen her for months. My kids are upset and ask what's going on but I can't answer as I don't know either!

I saw her at my dds school today as her dc is also a pupil there. I smiled and said hello etc got a very curt response. I have no idea what I've done now but it's really getting me down, I was in tears as I left the playground.

So shall I just pretend like nothing has happened? I don't want an argument and if I try to speak to her she will argue etc. I'm likely to be moving house soon and leaving the area for good. She won't even know where I am - perhaps she won't give a toss? Maybe I've just bee a doormat?

[yougotafriend]

unless you ask her what the problem is it's likely you'll never know - if you don't want to talk to her face to face as you think there may be a row, can you not phone her?

My sister & I didn't get on until we were in our 30's (at 48 & 49 we now really are best friends) but that came from a realisation that we had both placed unrealistic expectations on each other and that as sisters (not parents) we don't have a responsibility to "be there" all the time. We talked about what we both wanted from our relationship, rather than dragging over old resentments and the just wiped the slate clean. I can't imagine us being any different now.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

It is NOT your fault your sister acts as she does.

I am unfortunately not all that surprised you have been left with no real self confidence and self esteem. The roots of all this go back many years to your own childhood (and perhaps even before you were both born); your sister was overtly favoured by her dad and your late mother did not understand (or perhaps even further enabled) this favouritism. They caused this dysfunctional relationship between sisters to arise.

You do not mention your dad; is he still alive and if so do you have much if any of a relationship with him nowadays?. He has an awful lot to answer for.

You have tried your best and have been far too reasonable here (she has done nothing but be curt to you in return) but it is more than okay to walk away from her now. She's not interested at all in your family and you cannot keep going back for more in the hope she will now say sorry sis I've been a twat or change. She clearly will not do so; such toxic people like your sister do not ever change.

You need firm and consistent boundaries re your sister; you wouldn't have put up with any of that from a friend; she is no different. I would not give her any forwarding address when you move house.

You all need to be around people who can love you and be life affirming; you do not need people like your sister and her own family keeping you as scapegoats for their inherent ills.

Work on rebuilding your own self worth and self esteem; you may want to consider seeing a therapist or counsellor about this relationship. This person should have NO bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

I would consider posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" because that could also help you too.

[Quitelikely]

I would send a polite text saying she has seemed a little off lately and have you done something to upset her?

You will only know if you ask. There is obviously something up

[Nomama]

Don't text her. Go and see her.

DSis and I have never seen anything eye to eye. Recently Dad did something that made her so angry she had to talk to someone, the nature of his actions meant I was the only person she could tell. She drove 4 hours to cry at me for about 8 hours.

We aired a lot of old stuff, from when we were kids over the next couple of days. Said all sorts of things we had long harboured. I hadn't realised just how much she had been put down by both of our parents, how much I was held up to her as the golden girl. My perspective was that she had been the golden girl, I was the one they practised on, she was the one who got everything handed on a plate...

We now realise that we were subtly separated by our parents, more so as we got older. Dad's actions were unforgivable, as far as I am concerned. DSis and I talk more, I support her to resist all blandishments from Dad, DH steps in if either of us waiver. She is on a much more even keel... he (Dad) wont' be able to con her again, ever.

But it took a big thing to make us talk to each other and say what we had to say. Don't let that happen, go and break the ice, let her get angry and get whatever it is off her chest.

If she won't then tell her you can wait forever for her to talk to you...