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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Paranoia or affair?

46 replies

sotiredofallthis · 29/01/2015 22:43

His PC and phone are locked. He has started to trash me (for something that happened 20 years ago). He is distant. A friend of mine who works at the same place as him (but not in the same office) has become very distant with me. He started talking about a new woman who joined and how great she was and has suddenly stopped mentioning her. When he has talked about this woman he told me something she had said about her DH and the affair he had which seemed completely inappropriate to me to discuss with your boss. We met 20 years ago and I was the OW. I have had no reason to doubt him in all that time but something is just wrong here.

Am I completely paranoid or is he having an affair?

OP posts:

Report

getthefeckouttahere · 29/01/2015 22:46

I can't say if you are right or not but instinct can be a powerful thing. Are his phone and laptop normally locked?

sotiredofallthis · 29/01/2015 22:51

No, they never were. He says it's because his son is around the house and he doesn't want him on his phone/pc but that doesn't really ring true to me. I've asked if he is seeing someone and have even talked to him about having an emotional affair but he denies it. I can't see how he would have the time tbh as he's never really out but it's really getting to me.

I feel like the talking about stuff in the past is demonising our relationship? Does that make sense? Make me sound awful which then justifies his actions?

OP posts:

handfulofcottonbuds · 29/01/2015 23:00

Guilt transference - my stxbh did it to me over a couple of months. My GP said that was what he was doing. I didn't understand but now it's as clear as day.

I'm sorry, from what you say, I wouldn't doubt your instincts.

makemineapinot · 29/01/2015 23:05

Agree with handful -sorry, but based on my experience with my X it all sounds very familiar. Stay on here, here, get advice, stay strong and get angry if he is. Good luck x

TengoSueno · 29/01/2015 23:09

Trust your instincts OP.

sotiredofallthis · 29/01/2015 23:15

It's crap when other people agree with you isn't it? I've turned into someone I don't even know. I google 'how to hack windows 7 password' on a regular basis. Not sure what to do now.

OP posts:

handfulofcottonbuds · 29/01/2015 23:18

Don't drive yourself doing that.

Instead, get your paperwork in order. If he is cheating then he will be 10 steps ahead of you so you need to get everything in order for yourself just in case.

Hacking passwords won't work. You can become obsessed with it.

handfulofcottonbuds · 29/01/2015 23:19

drive yourself nuts* doing that

worrieddadof2 · 29/01/2015 23:20

sotiredofallthis, dont worry, i think most of us go beyond our normal limits when we suspect something. Instinct often proves right in a relationship, i think of it as the sixth sense that developes.

sotiredofallthis · 29/01/2015 23:22

Yes you're probably right handful. Just can't believe my life has come to this tbh. I just wish I had some concrete evidence one way or another.

OP posts:

worrieddadof2 · 29/01/2015 23:32

If thetes something going on, he will slip up soon enough.

AnyFucker · 29/01/2015 23:36

well, to be fair you should recognise this behaviour

cast your mind back to how he treated his wife when the two of you met and the way he wooed you

is the thing he is beating you up about the fact you had an affair with a married man ? That was shitty, but boy, what a hypocrite he is

sotiredofallthis · 30/01/2015 00:04

Thanks for that AF - only a matter of time I guess before somebody said it but ultimately not really helpful to me right now.

No that's not what he's giving me crap about. It's something that happened right at the start of our relationship.

OP posts:

Lioninthesun · 30/01/2015 00:07

Sounds like you know the signs. I'd go with your gut.
Ask him. You need to talk about the relationship regardless. Rather be the one who is seen to know than the gullible party IMHO.
Karma, sorry.

FoolishFay · 30/01/2015 00:31

Is there really any need to take this opportunity to have a dig at the OP? She's in pain and asking for advice; I imagine she's already thought about some of those issues herself without anyone else needing to smack her round the head with them.

HadleyHemingway · 30/01/2015 00:48

Well it's sort of relevant to bring it up though isn't it?

Op you already know what he's capable of. You married a man knowing he was a cheat. And now he's cheating again. Not sure why you had such high rxpectations of him in the first place tbh.

FoolishFay · 30/01/2015 00:56

And in the meantime 20 years has elapsed, presumably without other episodes. Perhaps they've had a good marriage during that period, sometimes people can change.

I just think that banging on about karma isn't very kind to a woman in obvious distress.

AnyFucker · 30/01/2015 06:36

Nobody is "banging" on about anything. OP knows herself what he is capable of. She has lived through it before, albeit as the happy recipient of his adulterous "charm" last time. She knows what to do, I guess it can be difficult to accept that.

magoria · 30/01/2015 07:35

If he is bringing you being OW up has he conveniently forgotten he had to be in a relationship for you to be that so he was the dirty lying cheat.

If he is not yet having an affair he is paving the way for one.

If he is not having an affair where does the hypocritical bastard get off trashing you when he is equally or even more at fault for 20 years ago.

If he is not having an affair you still deserve to be treated respectfully and not trashed.

Everyone deserves better no matter what they did 20 years ago.

Perhaps you should have avoided someone in a relationship but he is the cheating sleaze historically.

minkGrundy · 30/01/2015 07:43

Op leaving aside the asking him if he is seeing someone and asking about EA., when he brings up what happened 20 years ago, have you tried saying :why are you bringing this up now after all this time?

Leave it open for him to explain hang himself rather than giving him something to deny. After all if he is bringing it up he should be able to give you a reason.

Stay calm. Make this his issue to explain his behaviour.

HellKitty · 30/01/2015 07:43

Could be that talking with this woman about her husbands affair has kicked up a shitstorm of guilt and he's blaming you? Whether it's that or an EA or an actual affair, he's being a cock.

Quitelikely · 30/01/2015 07:52

Sounds like something could be on the cards. Maybe he is thinking about it?

There's no coincidence that your friend is distant, maybe she knows something but wants to keep out of it?

He's criticising you - a classic sign when out of the blue

Pc and phone locked

Acting different.

All imply OW

If this was my dh I would absolutely insist that he gave me access to his pc and phone right here and now in the spot. Then have a good snoop. If he's nothing to hide he will give you immediate access.

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LadyLuck10 · 30/01/2015 08:41

You were the ow. What goes around...

FlatCake · 30/01/2015 08:50

I think it feels worse to be cheated on if you were once the other woman.

If you were the reason a marriage broke up, you convince yourself that what you had together was so special it couldn't be helped.

When you discover that he's doing it to you, there are horrible truths to face.

LIttleMissTickles · 30/01/2015 08:57

Wow, I'm amazed at all the 'kicking her while she's down' going on here. What happened 20 years ago is not really relevant to OP's dilemma right now. She is clearly distressed and needs MN support.

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