Thought I knew where I stood but not questioning everything *orientation stuff*

[ConfusedNameChanger]

Namchanged regular as this is so embarassing for me and I've not told anyone in RL either. Most people think I am straight. I've always known I like men and women. But men more so. I'm 24 now and have only every slept with one women and a lot of men. But this past year I've felt like there's been a massive shift and I can't get my head around it. I feel really abnormal. I presumed you knew what you were once you got past 20. I've had a 2 year relationship with a man but it didn't feel quite right. I don't want to come off troll-y but naked men make me quite uncomfortable/are a bit gross to look at for me I always presumed that's just because women are generally just nicer looking and straight women feel that way too. But it's gotten stronger this year. I used to consider myself a bi-woman who'd chosen to just not bother with women and that was ok (just because I found it daunting and had less experience). But now I'm single and can't imagine ever sleeping with a man again. I don't really want to. Not sure how I ever managed it either. Excuse the waffling. I just feel like my head's going to explode.

Basically, is it possible to have your sexual-orientation epiphany later than the "norm"? Has it happened to anyone else?

[ConfusedNameChanger]

Also, Pom Bears, Naice ham, lemon drizzle cake etc etc. I swear I am not a troll. Just a really disorientated MNer

[akaWisey]

Not to me but a couple of women I know have come out in their mid 40's or later. So yes, based on my very limited indirect knowledge, it is possible.

[akaWisey]

BTW if it's any consolation I'm straight and I'm not overly fond of the nekkit male body either

[ConfusedNameChanger]

Good to know. I used to find it a bit gross anyway but I made myself go on this date with a guy a few weekends ago and long crap story short I had to stay over because of weather but stayed on the sofa. He came down in his boxers in the morning and I wanted to vomit in my mouth! Especially when he tried it on. He was handsome, in that sort of obvious way and there was nothing wrong with him. I was so so surprised at myself.

[ConfusedNameChanger]

I used to find it gross as in, I used to think 'eww' a little bit and everyone's bits aren't the prettiest things but I didn't recoil and still wanted to sleep with them/felt more like sleeping with them when they were wearing less. If that makes any sense. trying really hard to explain it without sounding sleazy or mean

[ConfusedNameChanger]

I just needed to let this out somewhere. It's still a weird thing to talk about in depth with a lot of people. And most of my friends are straight. Just feels like something massive has happened to me internally lately but it's a bit of a secret as I don't even really know what's happening yet IYSWIM? I am seeing a woman at the moment, but just had a few dates so far.

[ArabellaStrange]

Ummn, this may sound odd but your not on any anti depressants are you?
Some can interfere with your sexuality.
But also yy to the women/men coming out in their forties, it is definitely a thing.
I like men and women equally but I go for men normally, as it is mostly ' easier'.

[ConfusedNameChanger]

Oh no, I'm not. But I have heard that

I used to just go for men because it was what I knew and easier but its just feeling like more and more of a chore and "unnatural" for me. I'm not even that old I suppose. 24. But the few gay friends I have knew from a stupidly young age that they only liked one gender and that was that.

I have met one other woman who didn't know until she was 28 but she said she must have been really kidding herself because once she gave it up (the front of being straight) she really went for it and is much happier now. She says she'd thought if she was gay she'd be physically unable to sleep with men whereas she could but just fantazied about other things/had her eyes shut/didn't enjoy it much etc. Which is pretty much what I do, excuse the too-much-info there. I thought a lot of women did. I know it's not just because I don't like sex, because the very few experiences I have had with women were much better. But it was years ago and I pushed them to the back of my mind, until recently.

[ConfusedNameChanger]

It reminds me of before I had DS. I never noticed other mothers/pregnant women and now they are everywhere. It's like that but with women in general. I never used to find myself attracted to many women at all wheras now it's how it is for straight women with men. And I do still notice if a man is good looking but it feels more and more like an observation than an attraction thing. (Not that I'm a total perv who eyes everyone up. I've just noticed the change in myself).

[JRShotMe]

I don't think it's unusual to 'realise' at a later age. My cousin had a few relationships with blokes in her late teens/early 20s before coming out at 24. She's been with her gf for about 18 months now, they live together and are very happy. She says she suspected before she came out but wasn't 100% certain, but now she is. A more surprising one was a friend I know from a previous job who left her husband last year to move in with her female riding instructor - she's in her early 50s and twice married with 3 adult children.

[ConfusedNameChanger]

Wow. I have heard of women doing it much later in life. It does help to know it's not just me. And I have just been ignoring it until it became un-ignorable if that makes sense. Always suspected but never this much etc.

I was a late bloomer with everything though, didn't sleep with anyone until I was 17! And it took me ages not to feel ashamed of my feelings towards women. My family would never judge but it's just one of those things that you're told is not normal. It's been a bit scary at times.

[Crunchybadger]

. Sounds like you are being really hard on yourself. Really hope no-one in real life has been telling you your feelings aren't "normal".

I think sexuality is a lot more fluid than society likes to pretend. I also hate that the vast majority of culture, including that aimed at children, is so bloody hetero. Makes me sick when other parents start doing that "oooh look at those too flirting, are they going to get married" nonsense when two under fives of different genders hang out. Got briefly excited when some Christian fundamentalists started slagging off Frozen for being super lesbian but I think Disney is wayyyyy overdue an openly non-hetero singalonga kids' film. They should get Russell T Davies on board to write it for a start .

Maybe some of the late-realisation thing is people just being exhausted of trying to completed with the Disney ideal and thinking, well that's not actually how I am or how I want to be?

(I'm a bloody hetero ATM BTW so you could quite legitimately tell me I have no idea what I'm talking about. It's just that I'd like DD to grow up being happy whatever way she turns out and not be conditioned to think it's all about Prince Feckin Charming.)

Can you take a step back, shrug and think "oh, I feel this way now, how interesting, let's get on with it"? Give yourself permission to be with whichever gender you want. If anyone else has a problem with it, well then that's very much their problem. More shrugging :). And maybe an enigmatic smile...

[FoxgloveFairy]

I don't think male genetalia would win any design awards for visual appeal either, and I'm straight. Never had sexual or romantic feelings for women. I guess if you do, though, you might have phases where you find one more attractive than the other? Some people's sexuality does seem to change over time too, for example people who have always been straight, been married with children, find themselves same sex attracted in middle age. That's happened to a couple of people I know.

[BeetlebumShesAGun]

I agree with Crunchybadger, I'm 26, am bisexual, have been with more men than women, but I realised recently I am far more likely to "notice" an attractive woman than a man.

However, I've been with DP for 5 years and love him to the ends of the earth. So I have come to the conclusion it really is the person you're attracted to rather than the gender. I think thats something people around our age are more comfortable with (I really don't want to offend anyone with that statement, it's just my experience) as I have a few women who are "totally straight" in my circle who have slept with at least 1 woman.

To end my ramble, don't beat yourself up about it, just enjoy dating

[dirtybadger]

People aren't genders. Most people would probably say I was bisexual. I don't really like to call myself anything if I can avoid it. I just like who I like and whatever they have, they have.
You don't have to write off your previous experience just because you feel differently now. You weren't kidding yourself. If it felt real, it was real.
I identified as straight until I was about 22. I'm mid twenties now. Other people don't like it but I still say I was straight. I didn't fancy women.

Be with whoever makes you happy. It really isn't the be all and end all. If you don't know how to label it, don't. You are much more than the genitals of the people you fancy, honestly. It's only in relatively recent times we started taking that on as some weirdly important part of our selves.

[dirtybadger]

Also, I'm not sure that someone being in boxers making you feel sick is a sign you are gay, necessarily.
My friends and I frequently see one another in underwear and I don't think we repulse each other just because we aren't the gender that we each find attractive (I.e. Gay male friends dont feel sick looking at me, etc)- I hope not anyway.

Maybe he was just gross? I'm not suggesting that you aren't gay, just that this probably isn't the best indicator? Don't know how to express it properly!

Good luck with the woman you're dating by the way.

[Outtaideas]

Well there's been a huge 'married but think I'm gay' thread on here so you not the only one questioning. I have not read the thread but may be relevant.

[ConfusedNameChanger]

Thank you. I agree with Crunchy when it comes to everything being very straight culture wise. There is no/very little advise out there!

And I'm just going to chill out and do whatever feels right. It's just come as a shock. And it's not a one off that I've found men naked/semi naked realy uncomfortable to be around. It's just one of those times I really noticed And straight sex has always felt like a bit of a chore/like I'm missing something/missing the point. If that makes any sense. it's not that it feels terrible or they've been terrible but it's just always been mechanical and cold for me. I thought that might just be how it is but it feels much more emotional and "right" whenever it's been with women. I think the more experience with people I've had the more I've felt like it's less down to how they were "in bed" and more down to gender. Not entirely but it feels like more of a conclusion lately.

I am waffling and making no sense but it makes sense to me! Thank you for the replies. It really helps to just talk out loud sometimes.

[ConfusedNameChanger]

I think it's confusing because a lot of people are a bit bi-curious. You get lots of "straight" people saying women do look nicer naked and making similar comments and saying they all appreciate when a woman is very pretty etc but then it's just when that stops. Most of those people wouldn't want to actually sleep with a woman but for a long time it made it more confusing for me because I wondered for ages if maybe I was just bi and it was normal to feel a bit repulsed by men/fantasize about women. I don't think that's actually how you're meant to feel about someone you're sleeping with or having a relationship with. Certainly makes for a bad sex life anyway

That is what I feel has "clicked". Like I've just realized that I had it all wrong IYSWIM.

[rumbleinthrjungle]

I was late 30s before I really came to any clear idea on my orientation although had started to realise at 18, and I've had many friends who were happily married with a person they loved and only gradually realised in later life that they were gay or bi and there was more to the sexual and emotional experience than they'd previously realised. It would be so much easier if there were a blood test to take or someone who'd tell you 'you're that, go with it!'. For a lot of people it takes time, experience and maturity, and that's fine. You don't actually have to come up with a clear label at all!

[ConfusedNameChanger]

Thank you. It does feel like something that has gotten/is becoming much clearer the older I get and the more experience I have. I should just try not to worry about labels as much and go with the flow.

[CuriouSir]

People's preferences change in all sorts of ways as they get older, mine certainly swing one way or the other. Nowt to worry about.

[Twinklestein]

A friend of mine identified as gay until he was 24 then realised he was straight.

And my old next door neighbour realised he was gay after a long marriage.

[Twinklestein]

I think men look great naked but that's presumably because I'm straight.

[ConfusedNameChanger]

I would have thought so Twinkle

Yeah I just bought into the whole teens-are-the-time thing and thought any age past that was uncommon. It's not like it's a widely discussed thing! I wish it was. It would be way less confusing.

I've always thought women were more beautiful but that men are ok in their own way, from the navel up. That's how it's always been to me anyway!


There should be a handbook you get given in your teens...