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Relationships

What was the last straw?

124 replies

MsRabble · 28/01/2015 15:20

Have been thinking on and off for weeks I need to leave but for practical reasons I can't for a while so have to grin and bear it for now. However I'm not sure even if I had the means to leave tomorrow, I would just yet. He made me cry in front of (shocked) friends the other day and that should have been the last straw but maybe because I can't get out I'm making excuses.
So what was the last straw for you?

OP posts:
invisiblecrown · 28/01/2015 15:21

I didn't need a last straw. Just the recognition that it wasn't making my happy anymore.

NickiFury · 28/01/2015 15:25

When no matter what I was doing I was thinking how unhappy I was. I used to be a keen runner, injury stopped it, but I remember being out running and stopping to sit on a bench and crying because I was just so desperately unhappy. I would be out with friends and I couldn't laugh or have a good time. I knew I had to get out. In the end he attacked me and all called the police and had him removed. That was the end but I knew it was finished long before that.

shovetheholly · 28/01/2015 15:26

When I was in the car on my own, and I turned up the music and drove through beautiful countryside, singing at the top of my voice, because I COULD, because he wasn't there.

Leaving was both the most terrifying and the most exhilarating thing I've ever done.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/01/2015 15:32

I don't think it pays to wait for a last straw when you're being subjected to treatment bad enough to make you cry in front of people. You've already gone way past the last straw and you're looking at it in the rear view mirror.... Hmm

I'd suggest you research the means to leave.... Make some inquiries. Take it seriously. Once you've got even a tiny part of a plan in your head, the rest will fall into place

MsRabble · 28/01/2015 15:43

I can't believe I've actually posted this now. It's been in my head for a while but when I read some of the responses in this topic it makes me so sad that I've got myself into this situation. Cogito, does it really sound that bad to you? I'm so embarrassed to have cried and they were too embarrassed to ask if I was ok. I asked him to apologize and he mumbled a quick sorry but only because it was in front of them. If we'd been on our own it would have been a full blown row.
I'm embarrassed for him as much as for me. How could he do that in front of other people, and then carry on as normal after? Awful.
Thanks for the encouraging words though. It will take a long time to make the first move though, because I'm stuck in another country and I can't just get up and go just like that.

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 28/01/2015 15:49

You have nothing to be embarrassed about Thanks

What happened?

Cabrinha · 28/01/2015 15:54

Actually, my last straw wasn't really anything he did, but practical reasons.

I'd known for ages he was a lying cheating arsehole, and knew it was when not if. But I had a small child, worked away so childcare a big concern... Etc.

So in my head I had my plan. Had worked out he could take on mortgage alone, I could afford to get a new mortgage without taking my equity out immediately - lots a detailed practical stuff. I had my ducks in a row there.
Then one day, I realised that if I lost my job, my plan could go tits up.
I could afford to PAY a mortgage on a lower salary. But I wouldn't GET a mortgage.

It wasn't only that, but it was like the stars aligning - that realisation at the same time as having saved enough for a deposit, for example.

It wasn't a straw, but a thatched roof.

I didn't go because something broke my back - but because my back was feeling ready to bear the load. It's a much better time to go!!

I was so close to ending it when I found more evidence of his cheating (it was an old phone, it wasn't even current evidence).

Far from being a straw breaking me, it was a gift from above, a convenient excuse!

Him making you cry in front of your mates? It's a new line crossed, but it's a GIFT. You are free to leave, free to say it's unacceptable now.

Sort out your practical stuff, how you could leave in another country. Once you know HOW, you'll find it much less daunting. Good luck!

MsRabble · 28/01/2015 16:09

I'm ashamed to give the details, really. And slightly pissed off our friends didn't step in, even indirectly, but understand why they wouldn't have I suppose. They were probably too shocked to process what he had just said to me.
Cabrinha well done for being so pragmatic and working it all out. I feel like I am a million miles away from that right now.

OP posts:
Ohfourfoxache · 28/01/2015 16:13

Sending very unMNetty

What practical stuff is there to sort? How quickly could you get out of there?

You sound so sad. You could be so much happier x

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 28/01/2015 16:17

MsR, I had a similar thing happen :( it was horrible, and I'm so sorry you went through that.

My last straw was when I said, "I'm not happy", and he said, "well I am."

I couldn't be happy if someone I loved was sad. It made me realise that he actually didn't care about how I felt.

Looking back I should have left him years before that.

MsRabble · 28/01/2015 16:26

Thank you Ohfour Flowers
It's going to be several months. First I have to get back to the UK before I can take any steps, bit stuck now.
FuckYouChris, how can they be oblivious to it...? That's what makes me sadder than anything. I could be dead, don't think he would actually grieve the way he carries on. If I told him I wasn't happy he'd probably just laugh.

OP posts:
weedinthepool · 28/01/2015 16:28

My last straw was WEIRD. It was over work. I'd had to lie to him about working an extra 3 hours about 25 miles away from home because I knew he'd kick off about the cost of petrol. I drove past some windmills and thought 'I'd love to throw myself off there so I don't have to lie about working & the petrol'. I went home & left that afternoon.

This man had raped, punched, bitten & broke my ribs that month but it was being suicidal about petrol that was the final nail in the coffin. How ridiculous.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 28/01/2015 16:30

MsR :( they're not oblivious, they just don't care. Please don't stay with someone who doesn't appreciate you. It's soul destroying.

Life is so much better without someone like that. I hadn't realised how weighed down I was until I left him. It was like a weight was lifted overnight. I might have even skipped around the house for a bit :)

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 28/01/2015 16:32

Weed, it's funny the things that finally jolt you, isn't it? Don't ever go back to him!

Joysmum · 28/01/2015 16:34

I'm in full agreement with Cog.

Consider your exit plan. Work out the steps you need to go through to separate, know your finances and entitlements, consider your housing options and what you'd need to do there.

I think once you have full knowledge on what to do and how, you'll feel less trapped, more in control and will chose to stay or go rather than staying put because you feel you've no options or fear of the unknown.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 28/01/2015 16:35

I think decent men don't intentionally make their partners cry either in public or in private... Yes, it sounds bad to me.

FWIW I was once the woman in a bad relationship who was waiting for the last straw. He'd do something appalling and I'd deal with it, put it down to stress, call it a one off.... but was it really bad enough to end the relationship over? No... let's wait for the last straw. Then something worse would happen and the rationalisation process would repeat itself. Still not bad enough.... still waiting for the last straw. I look back now on things I tolerated or made excuses for and I can't believe it. I never did pluck up the courage to walk. Instead ... ironic or what? ... he left me.

MsRabble · 28/01/2015 16:36

Weed, how awful. Glad you had your lightbulb moment and could get out. H isn't violent but I understand the lying for an easier life.

OP posts:
moobieburger · 28/01/2015 16:40

Two straws.

  1. When my DP was angry with me for mourning the death of a parent - a culmination of events where DP found that my time taking care of business with my family due to an ill parent, followed by their death, was seen as a massive inconvenience to the DP.
  2. When my children told me they were scared of my DP when DP was screaming and swearing at me and the kids whilst trying to kick and force open a door whilst I was trying to protect them - I realised that I was also scared of my DP - and no matter how much I asked for DP to calm down, all it did was make them swear and scream louder and try to force, punch and kick the door more.
MsRabble · 28/01/2015 16:41

You're right, being the non-earner in my case has made me incredibly vulnerable and I've played right into it. I've lost touch of how to take care of basic, practical things.
Cogito, that sounds incredibly familiar.

OP posts:
Baddz · 28/01/2015 16:46

Do you have friends and family In The uk who could help you leave?
It's no way to live op :(

MsRabble · 28/01/2015 16:53

Yes I have family but I don't know who could help me Hmm
I want to stick my head firmly in the sand again.

OP posts:
Baddz · 28/01/2015 17:04

Reach out.
Tell them.
They will help you.
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Gfplux · 28/01/2015 17:05

Buy an air ticket (or get family or friends to do it) pack a Suitecase and go to the airport.
Are there reasons you can not do that. Do you have your passport or does he? You do not mention children so you should be free to flee.

GoatsDoRoam · 28/01/2015 17:21

You don't really want to stick your head in the sand, though. Yes, what you're facing in gearing up to leave is daunting, because it is unknown. But your present "known" life with him is so uncomfortable and unhappy... Tackle the unknown instead. It can't be worse, but it can (and will!) be miles better.

Baddz · 28/01/2015 17:21

Many years ago...
I was driving down a country lane near where I live.
I was stopped by a woman in the middle of the road who flagged me down.
It was past midnight so I was rather cautious!
Turns out she was running away from home.
She asked me to take her to the local airport.
I asked her if she would be better off going to the police station.
She simply said...
"He didn't hit me. I just can't take it anymore"
I dropped her at the airport.
She did it.
You can too.
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