Difficult situation with a new friend

[FriendshipsTooMuch]

I recently met someone through a mental health message board. We both have the same illness, mines quite a bit more severe but this person has got depression on top of it and also an attachment problem where they cant be on their own.

I found it very useful to talk to someone who had been through similar things to me and they get in touch almost everyday. The problem I'm having is that I've been told as part of my therapy that I really need to surround myself with positive thoughts and interactions which I have been trying very hard to do, but I find that this person looks to me as if I'm a second councillor and they tell me they feel really bad about 4 times a day. Each time I have to try and reassure them and try and cheer them up a little. I'm finding it really quite difficult and also find it hard that even though I find myself devoting alot of time and also trying to teach them the things I've been learning about through CBT (they asked me to tell them, Im not pushing anything on them) they refuse to see anything we do as a positive (theres this thing we do where we have to list a positive from the day). I've spend hours talking to them, playing games with them, teaching them something they wanted to learn to do with our shared interest) which leaves me feeling incredibly negative in turn that after a day with them doing these things they will still say theres no positives from the day.

I'm not a professional, I'm ill myself and I feel so bad that I feel so negatively about this, it makes me feel as if I'm being selfish, its hard to hear someone complaining to me about things even though they are more able than me. Its just too much. How do I deal with this? I feel a little trapped as they sometimes say how suicidal they feel and have tried to commit suicide in the past, then theres the problem with becoming attached and if I don't talk to them in the day it affects them.

How do I deal with this?

[FarOverTheRainbow]

No advice I'm afraid but bumping for you

[FriendshipsTooMuch]

Sorry about the awful grammar there!

[RonaldMcFartNuggets]

Stop seeing her.

[Quitelikely]

I don't think you can carry this person for much longer tbh. You have been more than a great friend from what I can see but the boundaries have become blurred and you must look after yourself.

I would either be honest as you have in your OP or just cut all contact.

If she is a real friend she will respect what you say, I don't think you have anything to lose by telling her the truth.

Good luck

[shovetheholly]

You poor thing! You sound like a very altruistic person - someone who gets a lot out of helping others and finds that very affirming. But this is not the time nor the friendship that is healthy for you right now. If you aren't in a good place yourself, you can't really help others in this way.

Also, there are reasons that most counsellors don't see patients four times a day for hours at a stretch! Firstly, there's an attachment that wouldn't be healthy built up through that constant reliance, when the point is to help someone to be independent and healthy, which means people learning to be by themselves and to cope. Secondly, people need time and space away from counselling to process things that come up during therapy - this is part of the process. Thirdly, it is exhausting for anyone - even a trained professional - to deal with negativity like that (many counsellors have regular therapy themselves to deal with the job).

You need to step back very gently from this person and set some boundaries. They will probably react with some fear and panic about being abandoned, but you can reassure them by making it clear that you're not vanishing from their life, just taking a different role. Maybe tell them that you will still play games with them, but that you're not a trained counsellor and that you are struggling yourself and therefore unable to be there 24/7 to hold their hand. The key is to do it gently but firmly and not to send mixed messages.

Finally, I think you probably should try to explore with your own counsellor why you have got into this relationship, and why you feel upset when the person says you haven't helped. There is something a little bit codependent about it - a need to be needed - that may link up to other things going on in your life. You sound like you're trying almost too hard to please and help others, and that it's difficult for you to take time to care for yourself and to recognise that you too have needs. Please look after yourself.

[FriendshipsTooMuch]

Thanks, I was half expecting people to flame me for being selfish and impatient. I will definitely step back slowly and if questions are asked about it I will just have to be honest.

[Stealthpolarbear]

You need to be selfish
You owe it to yourself to put your well being first

[Thenapoleonofcrime]

You have been more than kind but actually you need to make it clear you can't be there four times a day, because you can't, no-one could, as the other people have said, not even a counsellor.

This is not remotely selfish or impatient, I would struggle with this if it were required by my nearest and dearest let alone a newish friend.

I think you have to just think that it is best if you get better, hopefully your friend will come along for the ride, but set boundaries about what you are going to do- so tomorrow, I'll be busy so won't be able to chat all day, or I'll be around for a game from 12-2 but not after that and so on. Or even just cut them off if you really can't cope- ultimately they did do ok when you weren't there and there's no point you both going down with the ship.

[CaramelPie]

What a nightmare! If I was spending so much effort and energy on someone and they still had 'no positives in the day' then I would feel pretty hacked off. I suspect you will find it difficult to withdraw slowly and would prefer to end things abruptly so as not to have the ongoing stress in my life.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

I don't think anyone should be a person's stand in therapist to be honest, but least of all someone who has fragile mental health. She will chew you up and spit you out if you let her, not on purpose of course but she will.

[Twinklestein]

From 'attachment problem' I read codependency. That's their problem.

From my own experience of illness when I was younger, some people do try to take advantage of your time and understanding to get free therapy, it was part of my learning curve not to let them. It's exhausting!

The fact is, you cannot help this person. They can only help themselves, that's what they need to learn to do,they are trying to latch onto you so they don't have to.

You may have to jettison this person altogether to save yourself, otherwise they will simply try to pull you down with them. They need to learn to deal with their own issues rather than depending on non-professionals for succour.

[Twinklestein]

I guess equally you need to learn your own boundaries and being able to say no, with the understanding that that does not make you a bad person.

[Coyoacan]

I have no mental illness and I still had to put limits on a severely depressed friend because she would want to tell me about how awful life was at 9 in the morning and it really would ruin my day.

[shovetheholly]

I don't think it's perhaps helpful to see this in terms of selfish or not selfish. It's important to recognise that sometimes the most lovely, altruistic actions don't actually help someone. You're not really aiding this woman by being there for her so extensively - you're really kind and you've invested loads of time and energy in this - but essentially, you're just a rock for them to vomit their problems over, not a crutch to help them walk by themselves. You're part of their self-abusing routine, not a solution to it.

Even in really, really extreme circumstances, counsellors will rarely do daily counselling. They'll also tend to limit sessions to under an hour. That's not because they're horrible - it's because emotions are things that happen in time, and it takes time to work them through. There's also only so much that a person can tolerate: three hours of therapy, in many cases, would actually yield less than 45 minutes.

[FriendshipsTooMuch]

Thanks everyone. Last night I decided to be honest with them in a nice gentle way. Not sure exactly how its gone down, bit worried about the fall out. I also went back on to the site I met them on for the first time since I met them and saw that almost every day since we had spoken they had updated their status saying they never had anyone to talk to in the day and wish they did which felt like a massive kick in the balls for me really. Don't really understand it at all but I think I've done the right thing.

[Coyoacan]

Don't take it personally, OP, depression and being totally self-absorbed go together, and I say that as someone who has seen their fair share of bouts of depression.

[CaramelPie]

Oh god - you've definitely done the right thing! If you were helping her then she wouldn't be posting like that would she. It doesn't mean she is a bad person that she is like this, but she is sick.

[Twinklestein]

It shows that this person takes what you give them without a second thought, and still feels sorry for themselves.

This person has massive problems, OP, you can't fix them, you can't even be there for them because they're so demanding.

[PeppermintCrayon]

I think you've done the right thing. For the record you aren't responsible for anyone else even if they tell you they feel bad. It's a hard thing to learn but having good boundaries means you can be understanding but not take personal responsibility for trying to change someone else's feelings. A good strategy is to encourage and empathise self-care eg "sorry to hear that, I hope you are being kind to yourself".

Depending on the forum, moderators can be helpful at giving advice in situations like this. You sound like a really kind person and I'm sorry you've been burned.

I think they have twisted the description of their attachment problem in a rather self-serving way. Attachment issues make people cling or push others away. It doesn't mean you are harming them by not being in constant contact.

[PeppermintCrayon]

Emphasise, even.