Ex blanking me with mutual friends a decade after split

[IncognitoBurrito]

Ex and I were together in our early 20s. Had a pretty messy breakup at my instigation, lots of on again, off again hoo ha. I generally handled it pretty badly and unintentionally inflicted more pain than was probably necessary (new boyfriends quickly etc). He was really messed up about it, but I was hurt too. We haven't had much contact since then.

We met through our mutual friendship group, however, and still have those same friends. Now we are both married to other people and I have a DD.

Our friends have started getting married and having big birthday celebrations which has meant we are both invited to various things. Some small pub get togethers and some large weddings.

I had every intention of saying hi, and being pleasant, after all, it all happened ages ago and we did like each other once. He has completely cut me dead, blanked me, I don't even exist. This has really upset me for some reason. I feel very uncomfortable and humiliated. I'm not a monster, I didn't cheat on him or beat him. Why carry this hatred on for so long? It feels like he's trying to make me so uncomfortable that I give up on our mutual friends and he gets them, which I would be pretty gutted about tbh.

Mutual friends ignore this and tend to invite him out more than they do me if it's not a birthday etc. I feel let down by them too.

Not sure how you would deal with this? Any ideas? Should I just suck it up? Have another event in a couple of weeks which I'm dreading. Have pmt so everything probably feels worse at the mo! Thanks for reading.

[1Q]

Bad girl.

[getthefeckouttahere]

Suck it up.

Blanking you is perfectly acceptable. Its how he wants to play it, thats his choice. I'm puzzled a sot why it has had such an unsettling effect on you. Its not as if he is being narky or having digs at you, he just doesn't want anything to do with you. Seems fair enough.

[1Q]

Yep, you are not as important as you want to be.

[BolshierAyraStark]

Why would you be gutted to lose the mutual friends who are making it clear they prefer his company to yours?

Personally if I was you & it bothered me as much as it does you I'd be moving away from this group as clearly your ex isn't going to suddenly become friendly.

[AuntieStella]

My only advice is that you need to get used to it.

There is nothing wrong with his decision to be enduringly NC with an ex who hurt him badly at the time. It doesn't indicate any hang ups, or anything negative about him. Except that he doesn't like you any more and doesn't want your company.

If the mutual friends don't seem to like you either, then perhaps you'd be better off spending more time with other friends. I can't see anything particularly positive for you in trying to spend more time with people you think hate you. (I doubt they hate you btw, it's more likely to be indifference).

[elsabelle]

Oh, seems a bit harsh, i will give you a more sympathetic response OP. Being blanked by anyone is hurtful and upsetting (people know this, that's why they do it). Admittedly you dont have any control over how he behaves, but if it was me i'd send him a text / email / FB message saying that it makes you feel sad that you cant even say hi to each other and as many years have passed, you are both happy with other people yadda yadda, you would very much like to bury that hatchet and be able to smile and say hi when you see each other.

If that doesnt work then yes, no choice but to suck it up and keep your distance. Good luck.

[MagpieCursedTea]

Some slightly harsh responses I think!
Could you maybe send him a message saying that you're sorry you acted badly during the breakup but as you still have mutual friends, it would be nice if you could be civil around each other as you've both moved on and it was a long time ago.

[Annarose2014]

I blank my (long ago) ex at weddings.

He tried to smile at me the first time & I totally blanked him. Why would I smile & make nicey to someone who treated me so incredibly shittily? Yeah it was a long time ago & we're both married with families....but we're not friends. I don't want to be even acquaintances. Fuck him.

[elsabelle]

Great minds Magpie! Identical posts.

[MagpieCursedTea]

Cross posted elsa, you obviously type faster than me
Glad it's not just me that thought OP was getting some harsh responses, had to make sure I hadn't accidentally stumbled into AIBU!

[Roussette]

There's some unsympathetic people on here, no one would like to be blanked within a friendship group, it's very awkward and embarrassing.

Why do your friends invite him out more than they do you? Have you been moaning to them about this and are people taking sides?

I think he sounds incredibly childish as it's water under the bridge and he needs to suck it up. A nod and a hello won't kill him, as you say you didn't cheat on him, beat him etc etc. Some people just can't let go and he sounds like one of those.

[BerylStreep]

It sounds like he is still hurt by your behaviour towards him (rightly or wrongly) and doesn't want to soothe your conscience by acknowledging you.

Or he might really enjoy playing the victim.

Either way, I would ignore his behaviour and don't give him an opportunity to blank you.

FWIW, my DH's ex gf keeps trying to force her way into our lives, to the point where she somehow managed to obtain our address and sent a smiley PA Xmas card with a round robin in it. It pissed me off no end, because DH just doesn't want to know her, and it seems that her forcing her way into our lives is less about what we want, and all about her feeling better about herself.

[Annarose2014]

Yes and sending him a message on FB is entirely ignoring what he wants - he's made that abundantly clear. If my ex sent me a message saying it would be nice if we could be civil to each other my first thought would be "nice for whom??!"

[getthefeckouttahere]

Not sure i agree at all Rousette.

Not having anything to do with people you choose not to isn't childish. Its a perfectly acceptable decision. Hardly indicative of not wanting to let go. Just a realisation perhaps that one can make their own decisions? You do not have to be polite or accommodating to people who treated you badly, unless you want to of course.

If anything i kind if feel that the OP is being somewhat controlling and has decided that this is how they are going to interact now. Her upset strikes me as based around not getting her own way.

From what she has described i can't see anyway at all that she could reasonably conclude that she was 'humiliated' by this?

[enderwoman]

The assumption that somebody should be over a big event because it's been a certain amount of time determined by another person really pisses me off.

Blanking a person is pretty rude but Ithink that life is too short to be fake with a person you actively dislike. I think your friends probably prefer your ex blanking you than you moaning to them that he won't be friendly back.hes made it clear that you are a nobody to him so suck it up for your friends or move on from the group.

[mynewpassion]

He doesn't want to play nice exes. That's fine. Awkward but fine. Mutual friends know the lay of the land.

You either accept it, confront friends, or move on. Leave him alone. He's made his position crystal clear.

[purpleponcho]

He doesn't have to be your friend or like you.

[1Q]

If your opening paragraph is anything to go by, you could start by apologising, and mean it (if you can).

[skolastica]

It's probably not hatred. He might still be carrying feelings of hurt and humiliation - of which you are a constant reminder. I've been guilty of blanking people from time to time, and it is usually because they've played a card that has been hurtful and that I don't know how to handle.

[SelfLoathing]

Sounds like you know you treated him badly and him blanking you is confirming that to you. Thus is upsets you. It's an in-your-face statement that you treated another human with feelings badly.

You want to pretend that because it was all a long time ago, all is forgotten and he doesn't think badly of you. Bad luck I'm afraid.

He's entitled to feel hurt and equally entitled to choose to ignore you if he wants to. Too often people get away with treating others badly because they are relying on the fact that societal pressure means that the other person won't blank them/publicly announce they are a shit/ etc etc.

Your attitude of "it was ages ago" says it all; why should he play "happy families" with you if he doesn't like you and wants to have nothing to do with you?

It's his choice and you can't control him. You've got two options - go to the events and avoid him or fight fire with fire and politically try to wheedle him out of the group by picking off friends one by one and turning them to your cause and against him. Whether you are capable of doing the latter really depends on how skillful you can be at manipulating people and whether the dominant people in the group are on your team or not.

Life is brutal.

[Joysmum]

You've got over it, he's still hurt by it.

Respect that and let him be.

[1Q]

He lost both a friend and something more.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

elsa and maggie

by sending any message she is ignoring his feelings on this, I realize that to some he is just a man and therefore he should "suck it up", "man up", "get over it", "stop being a child" or just not have feelings.

But I would like to know why should the OP's feelings about this trump his?

[BoneyBackJefferson]

selfloathing
Whether you are capable of doing the latter really depends on how skillful you can be at manipulating people and whether the dominant people in the group are on your team or not.

And whether she is a complete bitch.

[Enjoyingmycoffee1981]

I would be more upset by realisation that mutual friends clearly like him more than me.