Contact arrangements - rubbish

[eeyoreisgloomy]

I have posted a few times - always helpful advice:) I have a rubbish arrangement with (emotionally abusive and a bully) ex h for when he sees the dcs,it's basicly whichever weekend day suits him and he is supposed to advise me each week, some weeks I don't know until the thursday and often he doesn't see them either day. He refuses to comit to anything due to his work. Last time he saw dcs we agreed on dates for this weekend - he didn't turn up yesterday, I know he said yesterday. Have emailed him advising that we were there yesterday but he wasn't, told him children now busy today and now next weekend. Have suggested he emails me confirmation of when he would like dcs each week. Obviously it's my fault, he understood they busy yesterday and free today. That's not what was agreed, I know it wasn't yet I am left doubting myself and considering changing our plans for him:( I hate all this, this is why I wanted a more definite arrangement, to avoid a situation like this, but he won't have it:( any advice appreciated

[Cabrinha]

Does he have a good reason for not having a set day? e.g. variable work shifts?

I have this, and it works fine - there's a rough structure, and I always confirm at least a week in advance, and if he knows he can't do a particular day he'll tell me in advance and I'll arrange work round it.

If he's just clicking his fingers and expecting you to jump, the only thing to do is say no.

Email him, tell him it's not working and it's too descriptive.
Tell him a new way of working is what suits you.
E.g he has fixed, every Sat
Or he alternates Sat / Sun

If it's a genuine work issue, and he can be expected to know his weekend shift on, say, Tue, I'd do this:

Set up an online calendar - we use iphone shared calendar. Tell him to add his weekend day by Tue. If he has not entered it by then, then YOU enter "kids with OP" in Sat and Sun. And don't change it. He confirms, or they don't go.

But I'd really try to just go for a fixed day. This will not stop until you stand up to him.

[eeyoreisgloomy]

He chooses not to set aside a day to see the children, he could but he wants to be able to work if he has a choice, he is just doing whatever suits him basicly:( if I say they are busy on such a day he has to accept that but I can't do it every weekend, he usually decided what day suits him. It's ridiculous I know and reading what I have written it's just silly and very unfair:(

[Scrounger]

Confirm all arrangements made by email, "just to confirm you have agreed... Or DCs are at on xxxx on sat so if you want to see them.. Or as I haven't heard from you this week I assume that you are working and will not be able to see them this weekend. When would you like to see them the following weekend?" Treat it like a covering your ass email at work and confirm all arrangements. If he disputes it resend the email. Put the onus on him to respond if he doesn't agree to it but don't sound as though you are preventing access. It's a balance between being able to live your life and ensuring that your children seeing their father.

[Cabrinha]

So, why haven't you just said no?
If you say "fixed arrangements now - we alternate Sat / Sun. If you get an offer of work you are welcome to ask me to swap and I will happily consider it. But it's not guaranteed" - what will happen?
If he will stop seeing the kids (I presume this is the reason you haven't put your foot down yet?) then they're better off not seeing someone who will treat them so badly.
Just say no.

[eeyoreisgloomy]

I am trying to be firm,that's why I have not given in over the 'misunderstanding' this weekend. The children have to fit in with him, he doesn't priorotise seeing them. I don't know what I am frightened of really