why do some people repeat the same patterns in relationships?

[dontcallnotdating]

Just pondering. I don't think I've ever had a truly equal relationship where both parties reciprocated evenly. I have also had some very similar relationships which were very intense and quickly extinguished.

Why does this happen? If you've had one abusive relationship, it seems you are more likely to have another. Others attract players and liars. Some people seem to walk into a relationship that is perfect for them. It doesn't seem to be to do with physical appearance - more high self esteem perhaps?

I am not asking this for myself, at least not yet, as I'm taking time away from dating. But I suppose, deep down, I feel I don't have what it takes to build a successful, happy relationship. I wonder what it is that makes people repeat negative relationship patterns over and over.

[elsabelle]

This is an interesting point. I don't have any answers but my therapist always says the fundamentally most people don't really change who they are and we all tend to live our lives in a series of equal loops. I'd like to draw it in the air for you to see but obvs i cant! But imagine a plane at an air show doing a series of small equal loops up and down, over and over.

[dontcallnotdating]

It's a bit depressing thinking of it that way, though accurate in most cases, I guess.

[Pandora37]

Childhood patterns? Low self esteem? Mental health problems? I have a history of attracting troubled men. Why, I don't know, perhaps because I'm slightly troubled myself. I do worry that I'm doomed to make the same relationship mistakes over and over and I can see that I'm very vulnerable to being abused. I guess recognising that is half the battle.

[dontcallnotdating]

Yes it's interesting. I am dealing with depression and am taking ads, having counselling and cbt. But I will not date again unless I'm very very certain I won't fall for the wrong types again. Tbh, I don't know if it's worth it at all. I mean that initial lust phase doesn't last and yes, it's nice to have someone to talk to of an evening, but I've friends and dc for that.

I wonder if, some people just shouldn't do relationships maybe? Because I know I can't right now (still too vulnerable) and when I'm stronger, I don't think I'll want one.

[gatewalker]

The unconscious will out.

No matter how much we are 'certain' we won't do it again, that we remain vigilant, we are driven by factors that are so well below our waking lives as to confound us, time and again.

Personally, I've given up trying to do different. I go to therapy. I make mistakes. Different things happen seemingly without my conscious intervention.

[dontcallnotdating]

Yes. I do think therapy can help a little. I feel like I need to dig to undo unhealthy patterns. But avoiding relationships completely is the only way I can guarantee I won't repeat them. And I can't repeat them. I sometimes look at happy couples and it just feels so OTHER. Just not me.

I think I consciously chose a Dh who I knew I wouldn't really be happy with, because I knew I'd never find happiness through a relationship.

Then I had a couple of short relationships where I behaved erratically, became completely infatuated and it ended, inevitably. I just don't see my own future with someone.

Deep down I'd want a happy relationship if I knew I'd get one, but I know I'd repeat the horrible cycle.

[gatewalker]

I can only speak for my own experience, and I am not recommending it as much as relating it.

Relationship for me has been singularly the most transformative part of my life; and it has not been simple, or easy. It has involved abuse and pain and lust and knock-down, drag-out falling in love. It has faced me with myself - the good, bad, and ugly - without compromise.

I do not want to avoid relationship for fear of what I'll meet. I want to go there and meet whatever is there for me. I am not going to wait until I'm sorted to enter it. I will never be sorted. Nor do I believe that being sorted is preferable. And while the alternative - being alone - has indisputable value, and I've been alone for a while now, I will go back into relationship wholeheartedly. I have had the most amazing experiences - high, low, and mediocre - and I wouldn't trade any of them.

[SexOrTaxRelief]

Interesting. Those airplane loops I imagine being the same shape, but each one progressively a little larger, and if we could colour them in, a little more colourful. But I can relate to that analogy. Or perhaps one of those planes on a Sunday afternoon, the little two-seater ones, drifting low in a single line going from one point in the horizon to the opposite one, and you think nothing because it is so normal, no loops.

[dontcallnotdating]

For me, I feel I have learned a lot from relationships. But some have damn near destroyed me.

I have noticed I'm avoiding an awful lot of things at the moment though. Some friends invited me round in a few weeks and I already know I won't go, because it doesn't feel safe. Dating doesn't feel safe and social situations with alcohol don't feel safe.

I think my plane has been making those same loops over and over, but now it's just flatlining.

[FolkGirl]

I know that I filter out or immediately dismiss anyone I deem to be too good for me.

This largely means anyone with high self esteem, anyone confident, anyone fully functioning... because I don't feel like I deserve someone like that.

I don't think they'd be interested in the first place, or would stay interested once they got to know me..

I've always done it. I've only recently realised that I do it, though.

I always end with men who are damaged in some way because I'm damaged too and I feel more comfortable with my own kind! Makes for a shit relationship though!

I couldn't go out with someone 'functioning' because I'd feel intimidated by them and, frankly, wouldn't have a clue. And would feel inferior.

So yes, patterns do repeat and I know why. But I don't know how to change it meaningfully.

Hence, staying single.

[GoatsDoRoam]

Watching thread with interest.

[SexOrTaxRelief]

Change you, FolkGirl Just a thought, when I read your post.

[FolkGirl]

You're right, of course. But can't afford the therapy, can't do it alone, SexOrTax. Spent years trying. I understand myself a lot better, but don't know how to change.

[SexOrTaxRelief]

I guess it is not about changing you, just the way you feel. So this awesome person is standing next to you, doing their awesome stuff (whatever that is) and all you need to do is be there, not push their emotions away. That space between your body and their body is always going to be there, but its nothing really. You wont die of being exposed to awesomeness. Give it a chance. There is a film with Matt Damon, cannot remember the name of it, reminds me of this kind of thing, there is a bit where he spends his time locked up in his room reading books and can tell the geology of every rock around the world (or something like), and Robin Williams says he doesn't know the world at all because he hasn't experienced it.

[SexOrTaxRelief]

Ha...just popped into my head...Good Will Hunting

[SexOrTaxRelief]

I suppose if you understand yourself better now, than you did a few years ago, then you are changing. Go with it, the changes might accelerate and all we all really have is time. The rest of it is what we do with what we have. I think ?!? Bit late to start philosophising deep thinking.

[SexOrTaxRelief]

What we do with the time that we have, I meant.

[FolkGirl]

Can't really disagree with you! Just hoping it will happen with time. Not sure what else to do.

[Lovingfreedom]

I've noticed that a lot of the smart, successful, attractive women I know get together with men with much less going for them on all counts. It happens too often to be 'beauty in the eye of the beholder' and it's not that these are guys with great personalities either. I know I have been known to do the same. Hoping to meet someone with whom I have more in common...but tbh I'm not sure I would know what to do with them.

[DioneTheDiabolist]

It's ok and expected to make mistakes. The key is to make different mistakes. Therapy can help you stop making the same mistake over and over again.

I think sometimes our view of relationships are too skewed towards Happy Ever After.... Forever! The reality is that we have relationships for lots of different reasons, confidence boost, because we're lonely and bored, because it's what friends are doing, to improve social standing, shared interests etc. Once you realise this, you can understand that the end of a relationship that has run it's course is not a failure. It's not a disaster, it was beneficial at the time, but now it's over. And that's good.

While it's good to look at what went wrong, it's also necessary to look at what was right. Work out what you liked and then add one what else you would like in a partner. And once in a relationship keep evaluating it. How did it feel a week/month/year ago? What has changed? How does it feel now?

[elsabelle]

Ooh SexorTax that reminds me of my favourite from Lord of the Rings.

Frodo is saying he wishes the ring had never come to him.

And Gandalf says:" So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. "

That quote has helped me through some dark times.

[SexOrTaxRelief]

That's a good post Dione
They are not really mistakes, I guess is the outcome. I think like that these days, and just that it is important to be complete and decent by people, then our choices are honourable (sorry couldn't think of a more appropriate word so late and I have done loads of tax but no sex today). Time for bed, but this is an interesting thread, thank you OP.

[SexOrTaxRelief]

Elsabelle yes, time is an incredible thing. I think it truly is all we have, and when people have addictions such as drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc, then yes they harm the body and the finances and all those things....but they rob people of time doing those things. Time they cannot get back.

There is a line in Vanilla Sky when Sophia (Penelope Cruz) says "Every minute is a chance to turn it all round". Time is the canvas against which we play out our colourful lives.

[SexOrTaxRelief]

I also think that if one hangs around positive people, it rubs off. If one hangs around negative people, guess what, it rubs off.

[dontcallnotdating]

I think that I'm personally so frightened of getting into a bad relationship, that I just won't do it at all. It's not worth it to me. I know relationships that have run their course can be viewed positively, but I've had enough of my self esteem being chipped away by men who say things they don't mean.