What causes a young boy to turn into an abusive man

[Catzeyess]

It seems like in most cases men end up being abusive (rather than women) and I was wondering why that is the case.

Boys are not born into the world intrinsically abusive and so what goes wrong in their upbringing that makes so many men behave like this, whereas it's much less common (as I understand it) for women to be abusive.

I really don't believe men are inherently more abusive than women. Yet in practise they seem to be.

So what do people think is going wrong in these guys lives that turns them into vile human beings, who think they can behave the way they do. And more importantly what can we do as a society to help prevent this.

[cleoteacher]

I think children learn from example a lot of the time so if they see this behaviour from a family member or peer/ someone who has regular contact with them they copy it and it becomes the norm.

I also think if a child has a lot of anger hidden inside for whatever reason and they have never been taught/ given the opportunity to release this anger in a constructive and healthy way they do it in a destructive way instead.

[mrscumberbatch]

Well, I don't think that they all have the same circumstances for one.
There's no easy fix.
There's also abusive women as well.

It can be down to a number of factors- upbringing, mental illness, personality, physical illness, addictions or just an all out nasty streak.

[GoatsDoRoam]

I don't think it's less common in women, just that it expresses itself differently: women have less power in society, so abusive women express their desire to control others through less violent tactics. Manipulation, martyrdom, etc.

Whereas since men hold power in society, abusive men can be much more overt in their desire to control others. When they say they're right and others should do as they say, society confirms that position. And when they use their physical strength, again society confirms that that's part of being A Man.

What's wrong with any of these people is that they believe that they get to control other people. Fuck knows how they get to that belief: could be anything from being raised with a massive sense of entitlement, to the opposite of having had your ego so wounded that you spend the rest of your life trying to get your own back against everyone else.

[Sickoffrozen]

Sadly I think a lot of people are born into abusive families.

Young boys see that it is their dad who is making all the decisions, is not affectionate with mum, holds all the financial power, sees dad doing what he wants whilst mum does as she is told.

I was born into one of these and as a woman it took me years to realise that the way my dad treated my mum wasn't right. I still made and make some of the mistakes that she made though although I am totally different now than I was.

Most behaviours are taught unfortunately. I have just been reading the thread from the lady who lives abroad whose husband is clearly abusing her yet she still "loves him" why? What makes us cling on to the little crumbs we are often given? I found out the hard way that there is not a happy ever after for a lot of people.

Some of the decisions out mothers and grandmothers made to stay with abusive men through lack of choice more often than not, has led to this continuation of abuse.

[FayKorgasm]

Could be any number of things. Firstly boys are born into a world that favours them. So called girls toys are mainly aesthetic or domestic,whereas so called boys toys are more engineered towards developing skills and intellect. Their clothes are far more practical for everyday play.
Language used in childhood as in being a girl = weak, throw like a girl = can't throw,run like a girl = slow etc has a drip drip effect of some boys seeing themselves as superior to girls. Language used in adolescence is important too, slut,slag,bitch,tease. All aggressively derogatory towards girls.

Now I am not glossing over the fact that some may have had traumatic events or witnessed abuse themselves. This of course can contribute to abusive behaviour but I firmly believe that the constant for the most part aggressive deconstruction of girls and women is churning out high numbers of abusive men.
My sisters job specialises in pregnant abused girls and women and her workload is rising along with everyone else who works in a similar vein. And not just by small percentages,its leaping upwards year on year.

[BathtimeFunkster]

Because enough parents of boys are bringing them up to believe they are better than women and that women exist to provide them with sex and domestic chores.

[Pastmyduedate0208]

Lad culture and things like page 3 also perpetuate the notion that man do the decision making, choosing and doing while women are there for decoration and sexual purposes. What woman feel/think us irrelevant so long as the male is satisfied.

[FolkGirl]

Also a lot of boys are still discouraged from expressing emotions in healthy ways; because it's girly and 'boys don't cry'.

Some parents still don't nurture their sons in the way they do their daughters for fear of them becoming 'wusses' or (heaven forbid!) gay.

Poor attachments mean that children don't learn how to manage their feeling and actually affects brain development.

All the negativity towards girls/women, too. A lot of men won't accept a woman asserting herself. Why how very dare she?! You only have to read comments online to see how very warped some people's thinking is. Including women perpetuating very misogynistic narratives themselves.

[FolkGirl]

My firsr 2 comments were meant to suggest that boys' emotions can end up being played out in unhealthy ways.

[FolkGirl]

Agree with goats. Fewer women are physically abusive because women often lack the physical stature to be so.

But can be abusive in other ways. I think women probably have less opportunity to be abusive, eg financially because it's usually the woman who sacrifices financial independence to raise the family.

[chaiselounger]

Very interesting thread.
Do we really know?

I also remember that people are shocked with children do bad things. The James Bulger case was a big shock to many people because we hadn't heard that much about children doing horrific things to another child.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

I suspect that the reasons for either gender being abusive or violent are similar if not exactly the same.

[MissLupescu]

Looking at my brothers, it does seem like it a untrue thing rather than nature wrt to my narcissistic mother.

My oldest brother (the scapegoat) is always eager the please everyone, which has lead to depression and suicide attempts. He's now NC with DM and rebuilding his life.

My youngest brother ( the golden child) is emotionally, verbally and, we've just found out, physically abusive. Our 'D'M worships the ground he walks on and creates drama and conflict within his relationship and excuses his behaviour constantly. She was/is very controlling and abusive too but blames my brothers nature on my father even though my brother hasn't seem him since he was 4 years old.

He's a very angry man and no longer the person I knew.

[MissLupescu]

Untrue = nature
Stupid autocorrect

[MissLupescu]

Gah! Nurture I mean!

[Catzeyess]

Interesting responses, it's obvious a complex thing with no one size fits all approach. There is clearly something that goes wrong with abusive people's upbringings, but it seems there is little done to address the warning signs in boys until its almost too late. I dunno perhaps young boys need stuff at school empowering them to have healthy confidence, respect for women and to express emotions more healthily good role models etc.

It's interesting that some posters have said that women are more likely to be abusive in less overt ways eg manipulation etc. It does seem clear from some posts that some mothers can really screw up their sons, but I wonder if there is anything that could be done for these kids to break the cycle.

[bettyboop1970]

Patriarchal society

[unsettleddad]

Aside from abusive families, and poor parental roles...

We learn to 'hate' the things we really really want but feel are not obtainable. Some men just don't have the mental capacity to understand the complexities of women compared to men.... they really want a loving relationship, and to indirectly get their needs for affection met....but they can't see the game of chess required to get their goals. When they start to feel hopeless they begin to hate, and then try to control ... like someone with a broken car they can't fix...

A bit of a gender slant...., as men can be complex and some women can be a little low on mental capacity....but statistically men are slightly more straightforward to understand.

(Sits back and puts on tin helmet)

[CuttedUpPear]

What many other posters have said, and added to this, I think it's important to give our sons tacit permission to cry, whenever they need to.

We need to teach them to share responsibility rather than feeling they should be holding all the power. And that it's ok to ask for support.

[MarshaBrady]

The desire to be in control, but the inability to be in control. Which can turn to anger and get redirected at someone.

[MadeMan]

A friend of mine always seems to attract 40-something verbally abusive alcoholic women; you might say he has a knack for it.

[unsettleddad]

Quitethewoodsman - read my post again ;)