Broken marriage, mess in my head, sex for fun, where do we go from here...

[goodgirlgonebad1]

I will try to describe my situation as briefly as possible, although I think it still is going to be the long post.
I am 36, separated nearly 3 years ago, been with ex husband for 12 years. He was my ‘real love’ and I did fight ‘till the end’ to save our family. He was the one who chose, 2 times, to leave us. We have an 8 year old DD who loves her daddy to bits, he is a good dad although does not spend enough time with her. He is very different to the man I fell for, I guess I wouldn’t even consider him to be a good partner for me now. In brief, he has all the symptoms of early middle life crisis and cares mostly about himself. Still, I have years of good memories... he used to be my best friend, someone who I trusted 100% and would never ever imagine to hurt me the way he did.

Our marriage did not work out because of his ‘lack of motivation to live in a family’, his drinking and constant lying and eventually - cheating. We had one year of proper separation, when he led a happy life of a single male, entertaining himself to the fullest (got in debt, binge drinking, parties, women etc.)
After that he calmed down for a couple of months and was trying for us to get back together, claimed he realised that he still does love me, he is willing to do couple counselling as well as individual one to address his issues with alcohol.
We did become closer again, but were not properly back together because of two reasons: 1) I could not trust him, had a gut feeling he will disappoint me again 2) I developed feelings to a married friend, I think I was just hungry for some sort of ‘love’. We had an emotional affair for a couple of months but it all ended as my friend wisely chose his family, and I can only respect him for that.
I still care deeply for that man, he is like the ‘special’ one to me, and if he was available, I’d be more than happy to start on relationship with him.
Gradually, I started getting closer with ex, we would spend weekends together, sleep in the same bed, take our DD out, do shopping, cook together and so on. Basically, act just like a normal family would do. Still, we lived in separate houses. In the meantime he improved his lifestyle a bit, bought a new house, I helped him with all the paperwork, then removal, painting and decorating, also borrowed him money to buy furniture. He kept asking us to move back with him but I did not want to as I still couldn’t fully trust him, and my gut feeling was right...
We would have sex occasionally, but it was not the same as in our good years, I think the issues between us made me just want it less. In the meantime my ‘husband’ started a secret relationship with a 21 year old girl, 13 years younger than him. I discovered everything by accident. After I found out, he wanted to finish with her, claimed at some point that he loves us both (?) and she is just so much different to me, and with no issues, like me, but obviously family is more important. We spent Christmas together but he was distant and cold for me. After New Year he confessed that he UNDERSTOOD again that doesn’t love me anymore and wants divorce. He claims that he just wants to be alone and is not with that girl, but I surely know that she still visits him and spends lots of time at his house.
I decided to leave everything as it is for now and went NC with him. I only see him once a week through the door when I drop DD off at his, and we only exchange emails and texts about her. All that time when we were separated I was emotionally drained because of it all, went through many counselling sessions and tried to get my head around it all. And now it seems as if I just don’t care anymore in a way. The reasons I don’t care anymore are simple – I started hooking up with men just to have some ‘fun’ with them and not to sit on my own at nights when DD is with ex, and not to think that much about my messed up family life.
Ex was the 2nd man I slept with, last year I had sex only twice with another man (NOT my emotional affair friend) but it didn’t work.
In the past three weeks I met three different men and I slept with all of them. One man a week...
One of them was a proper date, and then sex, but it was all rubbish. I surely will not see him again. The other one I really liked and hoped for something more than one night stand, we were talking every day and he claimed he really likes me, on 2nd meeting had sex, and then he went no contact. The 3rd one I have known for a while and just met again early this week, we had fantastic sex, and still are in touch, and planning another meeting. This 3rd one is a really nice chap but I know he doesn’t want relationship, just FwB. All these men, I did tell them O do not relationship either, so I guess things were obvious from the very beginning.

My ‘problem’ is that I went from sleeping with 3 men through last 15 years of my life to doubling that number in less than a month... and I do not feel very much guilty about it. Does that make me a slag, an easy promiscous tart?
I told one of my friends about it and she is worried that I will pay emotionally for it, or that I will met some psycho, or that I will catch a disease. I am careful and I do stay safe in all that, but deep in my mind I know that what I do now is just not right. I would not want, for example, my DD or my friends to be doing it. I claim that I just want fun and do not want a relationship, but on the other hand I know that deep in my heart what I really want is someone who will love me, and I will love, and someone I could build up a strong family with, have another child. Someone as my husband used to be for me for years. I do miss my husband the way we was in good years, not the way he is now.
I know that I am not going to get a proper man and relationship by sleeping with random men, but I am just tired of being alone, tired of sleeping alone, and I must admit that I did enjoy the fact that men desire me and I did enjoy having sex. In terms of all everyday commitments, work and money I do cope quite well. I never had problems without being faithful, I can carry on without sex for long, and I do not need a man to feel good about myself. Why am I doing it all then, is it some twisted way of filling the emptiness in me? OR taking ‘revenge’ on my ex, showing him that I can have ‘fun’ and have a number of men as well (although he does not know about it and doesn’t care probably). And why I don’t feel guilty or ashamed about it all? What I probably feel about it all is just being a bit cynical ... I get what I can have, for now, make ‘the most of’ what I can have... but I do know it leads nowhere...

[AnyFucker]

I found that very difficult to read

I only have one thing to say to you

Have you ever spent any time just you on your own, without a man ?

I think you need to discover yourself and your dc for at least a full year without seeking the male gaze of any kind

All this time and headspace spent on fuckup men...how embarassing and headfucking

Get rid of all of them, do the Freedom Programme, get some counselling to find out why you prioritise a sexual relationship over your own and your kids emotional wellbeing and stay away from twats

[goodgirlgonebad1]

I do realise that this post is hard to read, there are just too many issues...

Answering your question: I spent nearly 2 years without a man. One year was time of proper separation, with very little contact with ex, I did counselling and I did my best to focus on myself and my DD.
I was slowly doing better and then bang! After one year ex started his attempts to get back with us, I still had feelings for him, he had good moments that gave me hope that maybe there is another chance for us... it was an emotional rollercoster as he was just being 50/50 in it all, he had times of being his old good self with moments of being a total dick.

As a result we were on-off, and it all just did fuck up my head, as you say.
Hence probably my attempts to try nsa 'relationship' with a friend, and emotional involvement with the other friend.

I guess it all was a mixture of lack of love and escapism. I wanted my family back together and my ex back, but felt that it might not end well. Too many pent up emotions...