About a year ago I heard about a campaign on twitter where women were holding up signs saying why they didn't leave their abusive partner. It was things like 'because he'd track me down and kill me', 'because I had no where to go' and 'because he slept in front of the door so I couldn't get out'.
The point of the campaign was to stop making the abuse the women's fault for putting up with it. The point is less, why don't women leave, more why won't abusive men let women leave. Or even, why don't men stop abusing women?
Reading that campaign made me feel so much better about myself. I've been on mumsnet loads, and every little thing I write hoards of people are telling me to leave that night.
I have left 3 times and been homeless twice, once with a 9month old baby, and once when pregnant with a little toddler. It was so unbelievably awful, that it was a welcome relief to get back into my own house.
My husband is still horrific, and I demand a divorce every night, but no way is he letting me go. I see the disgust on my friends faces when I tell them what he's like. But their disgust is for me not leaving. These are friends who saw when I was homeless before - where am I supposed to go when I've got a job to hold down and 2 toddlers to support?
This threat is less about what do I do, I'm now finally getting support through women's aid. But it's about people on hearing of the problem saying 'just leave'. It's not helpful, as it makes the woman feel wretched when she can't leave, as she thinks its her own fault.
Instead ask 'how can you arrange to get away from him?' It's a small difference, but it helps her work through exploring her options.
Is anyone with me here?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
Can we have some support on 'why women don't leave?'
Darcey2105 · 23/01/2015 15:33
There seems to be an enormous difference of understanding between those who have been in the situation and those that haven't.
To my shame, I know that when I started reading some of the threads on here, I just thought "well just leave" etc. It is only since reading more and more about it, the long to loss of confidence, the normalisation of abuse etc. that I have become less ignorant.
Where you have a cross section of the population, you are always going to have people at different stages of understanding.
to all those in such difficult situations.
So true, it's easy as an outsider to say 'just leave' but when it's you just leaving is never so simple. It took me years to leave, incidents would happen then everything would be fine for ages, then it would start again and stop, I was always made to feel like it was my fault, so in my mind to leave would make it all my fault and I would be making him and my dcs unhappy - all my fault:( that's a huge burden when you are emotionally and mentally drained, you forget about you and just go on, going through the motions of each day hoping the next will be better, but it isn't:( it actually took me four years to leave, i made my decision and set myself a deadline(sounds awful, but it worked for me)when that deadline arrived, that was it, subconsciously I was done and I did all the rubbish,filed for divorce and finally had to leave - he was vile to me and it ended really badly:( since then I have had a very difficult journey but I wouldn't go back, my life now has a purpose and I am so much happier,dcs aren't doing too badly either, but I did it when I was ready - not when everyone was telling me to, you have to be ready yourself to leave and you will know when that time comes. Hope that's helpful, didn't mean to go on quite so much
You have made some really good points.
It takes a huge amount of strength to leave everything behind, and as the OP says, why should she have to uproot her children, leave her job and home?
This week I helped a young woman leave an abusive relationship; she was helped by women's aid and a support worker for young adults. She left with nothing - just the clothes she was wearning. She had no money (obviously I gave her some). I have heard she is in a safe place but have been advised 'for my own safety' not to have any more contact with her. 
. The ex-partner has guessed I have had some involvement with her leaving and so far hasn't turned nasty towards me, but it might happen.
I hope she has the strength to stay away but imagine how lonely and vulnerable she will be feeling in a strange place, knowing no one, having no money and left her (few) friends behind. Needless to say she has little support from her family.
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.