New partners quizzing your previous sex life

[ProfessorPickles]

Last night my boyfriend started quizzing me about previous sexual partners, not about whether they were good etc but when it was and if they were a boyfriend or ONS.

It made me extremely uncomfortable and he wasn't pleased with what he heard as I lost my virginity at an extremely young age.
Personally I do not see the issue because I'd prefer to have had sex young with a boyfriend when I felt ready to, than for example wait til my 20s and maybe jump into bed with anyone because I felt desperate to get it over with! But if I'd done the latter I can't imagine it would have been an issue
He said that I'm not the person he thought I was (nice!) which is pretty much him saying I'm a slag.
I can't see the relationship lasting much longer but that's another story.

Anyway back to the thread!
Do you think it's ok for a partner to ask anything about your sexual history?
Is it always a red flag if they ask or is it sometimes ok?
Would you ever ask them yourself or be happy to answer them?
If you cheated in a previous relationship should you tell your new partner or is it irrelevant?

Personally I don't really want to know about a boyfriends sexual encounters, I don't see why you'd want to know!

[Annarose2014]

Don't ask: don't tell.

If asked, I would say it was none of his business. If he got shirty about that, I'd get even shirtier back cos screw that entitlement for a lark.

Please dump the loser with the whore/madonna complex.

[BertieBotts]

I think it's definitely a red flag, TBH, especially when you say he wasn't pleased with what he heard. What the fuck business of it is his??

Dump.

I don't think it's always a red flag, it depends on the context. If someone's just interested or you're sharing stories of your misspent youth or whatever and it's all lighthearted, then fine, no issue. It's when someone decides they have the right to start judging it that it's a problem.

I do think cheating can be relevant, in that whether you have cheated and what the circumstances were tells you/another person a lot about your attitude towards monogamy and how seriously you take it. It's pretty important to have similar attitudes IMO. But I don't think anybody should be required to "confess" anything which wasn't part of that relationship, because really it's nothing to do with the new partner.

[Leviticus]

Absolutely AnnaRose.

I don't know how many women DH has slept with previously and he's never asked me any questions about my past.

What good can come of knowing this sort of stuff?

[TooOldForGlitter]

Absolutely bin him.

Your past, sexual or otherwise, is absolutely no business whatsoever of anyone elses. Please don't gloss over this OP, you will regret it. Ditch him.

[Annarose2014]

Yup, myself & DH know no numbers. Neither cares or wants to know.

[DelphiniumBlue]

Dump him. He's not a nice guy if he's taking issue over this. Its not reasonable and is none of his business. His attitude sucks, and you can bet that he will bring this up against you in the future.
Get rid now.

[Aussiemum78]

I would tell dh if he asked, but in 15 years he hasn't. Dh started to tell the virginity story when we were dating and I stopped him, I'd rather not know.

We know of "significant" relationships and that's it.

I think it's a red flag...will you now have to prove you are nice? Will he be jealous? Possessive?

Unless he believes in saving himself for marriage (and has done it, not just expected you to) it's weird to ask.

[Missymum6]

Why would anyone ask that? Surely your never really going to like the reply so whats the point? And then for him to say "your not who the person he thought you was" cheeky fucker- I don't know how you didn't slap him

[Dowser]

Red flag. Dump.

My ex did this to me. I wish I'd seen it as a warning then.

[BuzzardBird]

Next time someone asks you all that personnel stuff, tell them you were a virgin until they met you and then dump them. None of their fucking (pardon the pun) business!

[CoffeeandNumbers]

OK personally, I know my dh has slept with only me, he's never asked me my number, and its not an issue now. We've been together ten years now and it feels like a lifetime anyway. In a good way, honest!


But if he died, or we divorced or whatever, and I started seeing someone new.....well I would ask. I think it kind of does change your opinion. I don't know why, but it would.
And I would want to know about ons from a health point of view, have they had random drunk sex and exposed themselves to STDs for example.

I don't know, its a very personal thing. I would be happy with someone asking me these questions, it would show they cared about their sexual health (hopefully)
But if they did respond in wankerish terms, then they'd be out the door of course.

[SunnyBaudelaire]

Speaking from bitter exp get rid now.
He will use it against you later

[ProfessorPickles]

I was gutted if I'm honest, I do not regret losing my virginity so young at all. It was an alright experience!

I couldn't believe he'd said I'm not who he thought I was and I said "well what does that make me then?"

I completely understand that it is a shock and I'd completely get it if he felt a bit weird about it for a while but to say what he said is so judgey and nasty.

I've never slept with anyone that wasn't a boyfriend or someone that I had known for years and years.
I couldn't be less of a slag, I am simply sexually active but being a woman that is shameful of course

[bettyboop1970]

I agree with *Sunny.

[ProfessorPickles]

Also, he asked me maybe a month ago how many people and I had no problem with that what so ever. I'm more than happy to discuss that and to be honest I didn't really mind him asking when it was.
It was just the judgey oh my god this woman isn't worthy of me attitude

I deeply regret not claiming I'm a modern Virgin Mary, would explain my DS

[gatewalker]

"I've never slept with anyone that wasn't a boyfriend or someone that I had known for years and years."

But what would it matter if you had?

The point is it is none of his business, and his interest and judgement smack of insecurity and a controlling nature.

[TooOldForGlitter]

You don't need to defend yourself here OP. You can have slept with an entire rugby team in one night if you like. Don't let this dicksplash put you in a position where you feel you have to justify yourself to anyone.

Please just tell me you are going to dump the bastard?

[AnyFucker]

I hope you dump him right now and if anyone else asks tell them to mind their own business

I have no idea how sexually active my H was before I met him and vv. The subject has never been raised.

[ProfessorPickles]

I like the name dicksplash glitter
I need to remember to use that one!

I am going to LTB in good old MN style.

I feel this is relevant but he didn't ask when I had sex for the first time it just came out because I was saying "I slept with someone before X" and I got together with X at a young age.
So he wasn't prying loads but it ended up that way and his response is unforgivable

[GoatsDoRoam]

Look, it's worked: he's managed to make you feel bad about yourself. Your last two posts are all about defending and justifying yourself.

You're on the defensive. Wrong-footed. Being made to feel guilty and having to justify your own damn life and your own damn choices, which are none of his business.

He is basically TELLING you that he is bad news, OP. Listen.

[TooOldForGlitter]

I must admit I stole it from someone else on here, has a nice ring doesn't it

Honestly, it doesn't matter how he got the information out of you, what is vile is his reaction afterwards. "You're not the person I thought you were". Well guess what shithead, neither are you, now there's the door, see ya!

[GoatsDoRoam]

x-post.

Oh good.

[ProfessorPickles]

Definitely going to have to LTB.
I don't have to justify myself to anyone, I literally have no regrets in my life. I'm happy so he should be happy too!

I'm dreading leaving him but I've got to. I know based on this thread he doesn't sound like much of a catch but he's been really lovely and I will really miss him.
He just seems to be incredibly insecure and unreasonably judgey and they aren't my issues to get dragged down with!

[Fudgeface123]

Pickles when you asked him what does that make me then what was his response?

[dominogocatgo]

I asked my partner their history, just to make sure they had the experience and skills necessary to satisfy me.