My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Sticking to my decision, anyone else?

16 replies

everonwardsagain · 21/01/2015 10:00

Hi, I can't find the thread from early in January where those who had decided this was the new year, new start had posted, and were looking to support each other.

I haven't changed my mind, I have been in a very unhappy and dysfunctional relationship for years but am being subjected to a lot of emotional blackmail from dh. He has been trying hard to change after we split for 3 months last year and give him credit where it's due, he really has. However, I have come to acknowledge that it's just not enough. He did way too much damage in the years before of treating me badly and I can't do it anymore, I just don't love him enough. I've had counselling, I'm on anti-depressants and my hair is falling out with stress and anxiety.

He thinks that I am rushing the decision and making a mistake, when actually, despite feeling gutted for our children, and worrying about the practical matters, I feel an inner calm of knowing that for me at least, this is the right thing to do. He however, is keeping me up night after night crying, pleading, and making a very strong case for why I am being unfair when he has started to change. I am at heart a nice person, probably too nice, which is why I've put up with it for years 'to keep everyone else happy, keep the family together'. BUT I JUST CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!!! I don't want him to kiss me, touch me, I know in my heart its over.

How do I get through this? I will be gutted with myself if I cave in. I do love him but not in the right way. I've always looked after him, emotionally, practically, everything, he will be like a lost soul, but I do know he is a grown man.

He is a nice guy, just too much gone on, we've grown up differently. I want more from life than this half life but can't bear to see him so devastated.

Not sure what advice I'm after really, but feel better already for getting it off my chest x

OP posts:
Report
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2015 10:20

I think if you're being subjected to such direct and overt emotional blackmail, you have to work out a way to either get him out of your face or you out of his environment. If neither of you can physically leave, then you have to harden your heart, get support around you, be with people who tell you you're doing the right thing, and plan to spend as much time as possible where he can't bend your ear with his sob story. Separate your lives. I also suggest you get into that solicitor's office and start the divorce process before you change your mind. IME solicitors are really good at dispensing with all the confusing emotional crap around a problem and presenting it to you in a very clinical manner.

Report
everonwardsagain · 21/01/2015 10:25

Thanks Cogito, always the voice of reason! I have managed to get a cheaper house to rent, and move in in around 4 weeks. I have said he has to find somewhere else but it's difficult as he works for an agency and doesn't have a permanent contract. However, I can't keep sorting everything out for him! I do keep having to remind myself that he is a grown man! We sold our house to clear debt, and he won't be able to afford to stay in our current house. What a mess :(

OP posts:
Report
CogitoErgoSometimes · 21/01/2015 10:30

Most of the mess appears to be his mess, to be fair. You're obviously struggling emotionally but, where the practical things are concerned, you appear to be in control. I'm glad you've got a house sorted out. If he hasn't done anything about his accommodation, you're right, that's his problem.

You can hold on for four weeks. Come Easter you'll be in your own home with your own front door, no debts (?) and just yourself and the DCs to take care of. He treated you badly for a long time and he's reaping what he sowed...

Report
everonwardsagain · 21/01/2015 10:32

You're right, four weeks, I can do this. He has to take responsibility for the outcome of his actions. I need to look after me. I am good at saying these things, just got to power through and believe them! Thanks again.

OP posts:
Report
Deckthehallswithdesperation · 21/01/2015 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KouignAmann · 21/01/2015 11:14

Hi Ever just a quick burst of solidarity from me here. I got out nearly five years ago now but I remember how XH escalated the emotional blackmail towards the end. I begged him to let me go to sleep at night but he saw it as a time to harangue me out of ear shot of the DC. He was genuinely distraught but couldn't see he was driving me further away. Be strong and count down the days. It will pass !

Report
everonwardsagain · 21/01/2015 11:16

Let's get each other through it then Deck, I'm also not strong or confident either but trying to be! I am feeling brave enough though to try and listen to my gut inner voice, that tells me I'm doing the right thing by me. I just keep thinking how if I go back now it will be for all the wrong reasons, and I bet the same for you. We deserve better, hang on in there, I'm finding good and bad days but got to be worth it in the end x

OP posts:
Report
Somethingtodo · 21/01/2015 11:28

Here you go join in....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2267937-2015-A-fresh-start-Anyone-leaving-there-partner-in-the-new-year-Can-we-support-each-other?

I am 10 days in -- up and down - but try to have "eyes on the prize" - which is a life worth living (....expecting it to get worse before it gets better, 2 steps forward, one step back etc) expect to be there finally in a year or two....

Report
Somethingtodo · 21/01/2015 11:43

I have also put in a no conversation policy with my STBXH - if he wants to discuss anything with me I ask him to text or email.

He is being compliant with the separation but always "needs to talk to me about stuff" - however he chose not to hear me, acknowledge my desperation and basic needs for a very long time - so I am not now available to him for discussions as he has not been available to me for years.

You say you have done loads for you STBXH over the years and you are worried that he is not getting himself sorted out I am the same - but that is why we are separating -- so you must resist the co-dep urge to fix his issues....

Report
everonwardsagain · 21/01/2015 13:00

Thanks Kouign, it's exactly that, our only chance to talk out of earshot of the kids but I am shattered! I have to believe it will pass and hang on in there. Thanks Something, I'll look the link up. Eyes on the prize is one of my sayings too! And no doubt it will get worse, but it has to be better in the long term than this half life I've been living. If it takes a year or two, it will be a price worth paying for all of us. Good for you for no conversation, we're still living together so can't do that at the mo but am determined to stop listening to the blackmail.

OP posts:
Report
Somethingtodo · 21/01/2015 14:41

Mine is here 7-8.30 every evening and then 9-9 on sat and sun in sole charge whilst I make myself scarce ... but I still wont converse with him - as he just needs me and it drains me....so texting in the house - otherwise I would explode.

Is yours like this...?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2275725-Anyone-else-end-up-as-an-angry-banshee-after-living-with-Mr-Nice-passive-irresponsible

Report
everonwardsagain · 21/01/2015 15:47

Just read the link Something, and abso-bloody-lutely!!! Only difference is he has OCD tendencies and extremely tidy around the house, but only because it suits his needs, not mine. He's always keen to tell me he's hovered twice in one day, but that's for him, not me, if it's done every couple of days I'm happy.

Haven't had time yet to read your other link but I will. The man child bit is so spot on, I am so sick and tired of being the only adult in our relationship and I am tired of having to justify why I've had enough and having to feel like the bad guy. Seems we have a lot in common! Can't get on here much as he's around in the evenings and kids home soon, had a rare work at home day today. Stay strong, sounds like you are doing really well Flowers

OP posts:
Report
Somethingtodo · 21/01/2015 21:20
Report
Todayistheday15 · 23/01/2015 09:04

Haven't read other replies yet.... But wow op I could have written your post! However I did cave for awhile after Christmas but nothing has changed and he is making I effort at all! Feel shit today but also like I have really decided this is the end!

Report
everonwardsagain · 25/01/2015 12:03

Hi Today, sorry to hear that you are in a similar place, it's not nice is it? Keep listening to your inner voice and do what you know is right for you. I'm really struggling these last few days with guilt at seeing my dh suffer but I have to hang on in there and be true to myself. I haven't done that for years, and he's had so many chances. Still hard tho. Stay strong!

OP posts:
Report
tiredvommachine · 25/01/2015 12:27

I had the same with my ex H. Was insanely jealous and very selfish during our marriage but when I decided to end it, he went nuts crying and pleading for another chance and would keep going on and on at me whilst I was trying to sleep to get me to change my mind.
He kept putting stupid stuff on Facebook and friend requested all of my male friends, which was highly embarrassing. I knew it was over but I also felt bad that I could stop his crying and upset by saying I'd give it another chance but I knew I didn't want to and it would be for the wrong reasons.
We were also stuck in the same house for months so I had nowhere else to go.
Stick to your guns sweetheart, it won't last for ever Flowers

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.