I have found myself in a very sad situation and I am hoping I can get some help to tell if I am being unreasonable. I am new here and feeling very emotionally fragile at the moment so please be kind.
I am 37 and have been with my now-husband for four years. We got married in July, so obviously not a long marriage. I knew he was bisexual from the beginning and this wasn't a problem for me. However, after the initial phase at the beginning of our relationship, he has pretty much refused to have sex with me more often than very grudgingly once a month.
Sex has always been important to me, and while I am a bit overweight, I am not huge or hideous. I take good care of myself and I do not look my age. I was disappointed and it did, if I am honest, impact my self-esteem when I realised how uninterested in sex he was, but I tried to 'rationalise' it and just make the best of things as he was nice to me and in other ways we were happy.
After we got married, he said he wanted kids. He even said he would consider leaving me if I could not or I refused. I pointed out that I am 37 and we should probably try, then. He agreed, but the sex was only more grudging. Afterwards, he would shower immediately and took off to the spare room. When I confronted him, and told him it hurt my feelings, he just shrugged. I then looked at his computer ( wrong to snoop, I know) and found that he continually watches gay porn of men around 20 or so ( he is 34). I also found suggestive comments on pictures of young gay men in topless poses on Instagram that he had made, and that he had a Tumblr which was following mostly pictures of the same.
I took screen shots of this and I asked him wth was going on. He told me that it was not because they were men, but because he finds sex 'stressful' and doesn't enjoy it. I offered to watch porn with him, and he refused, telling me it was a 'private thing'. I asked what I could do to make sex less stressful, and he said 'nothing'. He denies that he finds me unattractive. I don't think I believe him, though. I have spent about three years trying to be understanding about his 'low sex drive' but now I think it was all just a lie.
I do feel unattractive now. I also feel tricked, as we have been actually ttc! I hope I am not pregnant. To cut a long story short, we have had a horrid Christmas and though I have tried and tried to be an understanding person and sympathetic, I now just feel used, and completely confused as to why he demanded we have kids.
I feel so devastated. I have actually been on antidepressants for about a year and have thought there was something wrong with me. I don't know, now. I have often felt gaslighted and he has told me it is all my fault.
I was so desperate for a baby and wanted this to work but now I am alone in our bedroom ( I kicked him out to the spare room) and I think I should separate from him. This will be hard because I was made redundant in October and have no money, and I feel a fool and I am so afraid. But how can I stay?
Please, any thoughts would be good. Sorry this has been so long. Thank you.
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Please help - Should I divorce him?
19 replies
nickyangel · 27/12/2014 07:44
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