Long story short: I have a chronic illness and retired DM and I live next door to each other. She does a lot to help me which I'm extremely grateful for, I do what I can which is things like taking her shopping and to visit relatives and do the driving, and mostly we get along very well. However she is unintentionally quite rigid, something that is gradually worsening as she gets older, and she gets stuck on what her plan is for something and then can't adapt or take into account anything else on the way.
I work from home and she cannot process that me being home in front of the computer does not equate with I'm free to take her shopping or do anything else that's a priority to her. I am currently struggling with a big, difficult project that is important to me and takes a huge amount of not just concentration but creativity. I have a deadline of Wednesday early afternoon and a phone conference. On Friday DM made plans with Dsis and informed me that we would be having our Christmas day with Dsis plus her family on Christmas Eve. (Wednesday). I had to explain that I already had plans for that day. DM could not process that I might have plans; my diary did not say I was going out, I hadn't told her I had something specific to do between set times. She couldn't see my point was I hadn't been asked, she just assumed unless I was at a work appointment I'd just have nothing else to do. We've had this conversation several times before, there are boundary issues. After hurt looks she rearranged with Dsis for the day after Boxing Day.
This morning she's decided that since I have made a Christmas Eve box for Dsis (she is slightly obsessed with Dsis since Dsis has incredibly adorable young family which is v tiring for her) and I was stupid enough to tell her I was making it, that we have to get it to her before Christmas Eve. Tuesday morning she says is out because DC go to nursery that day and Dsis works from home and won't want to be disturbed. So we must go tomorrow morning, stay the morning because Dsis will want to do housework while we look after DC, and deliver the box. She will love this visit. Ideally she'd love to stay the whole morning and it probably will slip well overtime. Now I also lose more than half of Tuesday morning because of cleaners coming, so that will be two mornings gone effectively. And I tried explaining could we just drop in for coffee, stay half an hour and go - no, arguing got her to reduce it to 9-11 plus the 45 minute car journey each way as the bare minimum and she relies on me for driving her. She is so stuck on but we have to get this box over there and we have to have a plan that I couldn't negotiate anything less. Dsis would actually be fine with me dropping it over one evening and not having a plan at all, this is in DMs head much more about providing child care for Dsis than the box.
The thing is that the bloody chronic illness means I have to make choices on what I spend my energy on each day, by lunchtime I'm getting tired and concentration is getting difficult. So Monday, driving, caring for adorable but very demanding toddlers, driving - by lunchtime that's my energy gone for the day, I will not be able to do anything worth a damn by the time I get home. Tuesday, prep for cleaners has me on my knees, I have to get out of their way, by lunchtime I'm down a whole lot of energy and again can't rely on having much left, plus the nature of this bloody illness is I never know how I'm going to feel day to day so can't be sure one of those days will be lost anyway because it's a bad one, meaning I always over plan more time than I need just in case. I spent a lot of mornings last week taking her out doing Christmas shopping stuff relying on these days in hand but she's not going to let me have them.
Essentially she's just fixed me so that I have the rest of today to do this bloody project and I'm so angry and stressed I feel about as creative as a brick and can't concentrate. I don't feel I can refuse this too without being a selfish, nasty cow to someone who gives me a lot of support, and will really enjoy this visit, but I resent the stress it costs me and that she has to make her plan according to how she sees the situation and then push me along with it in her mummy knows best way. It's relentless. So I'm probably going to be working through the small hours all tonight, Monday night and Tuesday night because they're the only times I know she's going to leave me alone for several hours in a block and I can get it bloody finished, and I'll pay the price in pain/illness for that. Or as I'm getting sorely tempted to do, I contact the recipients waiting for this project and apologise now that I won't make the deadline because I'm a pathetic individual who is not able to protect my bloody time from my bloody mother. Or I move to the other end of the bloody country. That one is getting more tempting by the day.
Please pass the gin.
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Love DM but she's driving me mad
10 replies
rumbleinthrjungle · 21/12/2014 11:00
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