Help! Lying, cheating dp behaving as if nothing has happened!

[notsogoldenoldie]

Hi all. I wonder if I could ask for some insights into this situation?

A couple of months ago I found out 'd' p has been cheating on me with another woman. He admitted it. I was so shocked I didn't know what to do so I asked him to leave me alone to my thoughts for a while while I considered my options. I've taken legal advice, spoken to friends and generally come to terms with what he's done. I've detached and in a way I'm quite relieved that I now have permission to dislike him.

Bit of background: it's his house, I'm not married and we have a dd, nearly 13.

What's bothering me, though, is his behaviour. I just don't get it. He's still working long hours but when he's here he's behaving as if nothing has happened. Additionally, he's doing stuff round the house that doesn't need doing, such as washing unused items, tidying the food cupboard and, for the first time in years, has bought dd a fairly expensive (and totally unnecessary) Christmas present. He's also paid for some dental treatment for dd and is being generous to her (he's tight as a badger' s arse normally).

It's quite refreshing, but I'm not sure what his game is. Does he want to get in my good books? Is he pandering to dd out of guilt?

I'm a bit nonplussed and I don't know how to handle it. He hasn't said sorry or shown any remorse. And he has this way of kind of shrugging things off (he did this when I confronted him about the OW).

My worry is that he's shrugging off what he's done in the hope that it'll go away and things will return to normal.

What do you wise people think?

[Jan45]

I think that is exactly what he is doing, you can't possibly move on from this until he puts all the cards of the table, what exactly do you know about the affair?

Just because he is cleaning, tidying, buying means jack shit with regards to trust.

[DandyHighwayman]

Yes he is totally waiting for you to get over what in his opinion is a bit of a huff

What's your Exit Plan? Obvs you are financially terribly vulnerable atm

[AMumInScotland]

"he's shrugging off what he's done in the hope that it'll go away and things will return to normal."

That's it in a nutshell. If he doesn't mention it, it isn't real. If it isn't real he doesn't have to deal with it. If he doesn't have to deal with it, it will all just be like it never happened.

Except that you hopefully aren't going to allow that to happen, because you have no hope of repairing a relationship (Assuming you want to try to do that) unless you both agree that it needs work. And unless he faces up to the reality of what he did, his reasons for doing it, and how he is going to change to ensure it doesn't happen again. Oh and how he's going to convince you that he really means that.

[Twinklestein]

Has he actually broken it off with the OW or is that carrying on as normal too?

[HelenaDove]

A cheat AND a tightwad. What a catch

[Wrapdress]

My dad bought me a brand new sports car when he was caught cheating. I was 15 and didn't even have a drivers license. Guilt! And, no, he didn't end the relationship with the OW. He just kept using both women and they both let him. And I got a car.

[notsogoldenoldie]

Thanks all, for your comments. Twinkle: I've no idea if he's still seeing OW. Tbh I don't think I want to at the moment. He certainly has every opportunity. I don't know anything about it: how long, where, etc and my gut feeling is that this is not the first time (I have no evidence of that, though).

I do not want to rekindle my relationship with him. He's not the kind to discuss things whereas I'm quite direct-confrontational even-and I know that, if we try to discuss things rationally, his shrugging will end in me getting angry and losing it. This is why I want a third party present at any discussions that take place between us.

Another thought I had was that he's trying to curry favour with dd in an attempt to assuage his guilt and deflect blame awAy from himself, so that in the event of us living apart he keeps her on side (she dotes on him).

I have an exit plan of a sort-I aim to earn enough to be able to establish myself in a separate household in the fullness of time. But it's a longer-term plan and will take some time.

[notsogoldenoldie]

Wrap: wow! How did he explain that?

[CogitOIOIO]

He's taking full advantage of the fact that a) you're still there b) you're likely to still be there for the foreseeable future until your earnings increase and c) he's hoping 'leave me alone while I think' means you can be persuaded to forget all about it if enough water goes under the bridge. And for all I know, he may be right.

He's not taking this seriously, in other words. Sadly, I think you have to take the initiative and bring forward the end date if that's where you see it headed.

[AutumnDragon]

Being a paranoid person, I read this differently to sweeping it under the carpet / currying favour.

Could he be being the perfect husband/father so that when you leave him he is seen as the victim - after all the great stuff he does for you and DD you go and leave him - what a bitch!

I know a couple of people (my Sil springs to mind!) who feel that they will only be judged by their latest actions and not by their actions over the previous 15 years.

[arsenaltilidie]

he's shrugging off what he's done in the hope that it'll go away and things will return to normal

Agree with Cog, it probably worked in the past.

[notsogoldenoldie]

Cogit and Autumn: I think you're both right, in a way. I don't think he'll get away with pretending to be the perfect man, though, as too many people know what he's done. I have the offending text to the OW on my phone still.

Cogit: yes, I have to initiate things myself, but at least I've detached myself from him emotionally now.

[notsogoldenoldie]

Arse: yes, it has worked in the past. I need to be tougher this time.

[CogitOIOIO]

"it has worked in the past" .... is why he's doing it now