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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Sexual issues with my partner

54 replies

Puffypower · 04/12/2014 09:51

I am new to this so still learning the language.

I am 37 and my partner is 62, we have been together for 17 years, 3 kids - 2 boys, 1 girl . There is a backstory to this relationship that is very long.

My main concern right now is that I think some of my actions over the years (affairs) have led to a drop in confidence for my partner and it is affecting him sexually now.

Only once has he mentioned it and quite rightly blamed me for it but I don't know how to help him get his confidence back.

As a couple - people have often commented on how perfect we are, we are very good together but behind closed doors things aren't so great.

Is it worth going to couples therapy or a sex therapist? How do I suggest it?

OP posts:

Report

CogitOIOIO · 04/12/2014 10:10

If you've had affairs then, even if he doesn't mention it, he will have no trust in you and his self-esteem & dignity will be shattered. I feel very sorry for him - you sound very cruel & selfish and I'm struck that your main concern appears to be your sex life. Who would want to have sex with someone who despised them enough to have affairs?

I hope your partner takes up the idea of counselling but for himself, not as a couple. You - the person who has destroyed his confidence - are not going to be able to restore it.

TiedUpWithString · 04/12/2014 10:15

Wow cogit.

OP, counselling sounds like a good idea, for both of you. Perhaps individual at first then together. Would be go with this?

Puffypower · 04/12/2014 10:16

Thanks CogitOIOIO however as explained there is a long back story which I haven't gone into.

With regards to the affairs we have worked through some of those issues too.

The concern around sex is not for me, it is for him as this is a huge part of the way he shows his love.

I am looking at ways to help my relationship and not to be judged and whilst I appreciate this is a place where people can give opinions freely, negatives ones do not serve any purpose IMO.

OP posts:

Annarose2014 · 04/12/2014 10:25

Is he having problems getting an erection?

At 67 it could just be fairly normal age-related ED, loath as he might be to hear it. Has he approached his GP?

Annarose2014 · 04/12/2014 10:26

Sorry, 62.

Puffypower · 04/12/2014 10:30

@Annarose2014
Getting and keeping seem to be the issue. Unfortunately he is too proud and stubborn to go to the GP.

@Tiedupwithstrings
We have tried individual counselling before but more on the relationship front rather then on this specific issue.

OP posts:

Annarose2014 · 04/12/2014 10:32

Normally a physical cause needs to be outruled before counselling is advised. There could be a pretty simple solution.

Puffypower · 04/12/2014 10:33

Any ideas of how to approach this?

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 04/12/2014 11:15

If the problem is purely an age-related physical one and he won't go to the GP then you're stuck; if the problem is loss of confidence due to your philandering, and counselling hasn't worked, then you're equally stuck.

gatewalker · 04/12/2014 11:29

He needs to go to the GP, OP, and in particular get his prostate checked out. At 62, physiological issues underlying erectile problems are the first port of call to be addressed. If he won't, then there's little you can do about it.

FluffyMcnuffy · 04/12/2014 11:32

I wouldn't want to shag someone who had affairs note the plural .

Also, OP the man is 62, you're 37, there's likely to be some difference in libido given you're at different stages in your life. Possible he has ED too.

SolidGoldBrass · 04/12/2014 11:48

Have you tried the more accessible, basic aids for ED such as a cock ring? That might help. If the ED has been going on for most of your marriage and he has been refusing to fix it for years I am not that surprised you had other sexual partners. Also, with that much of an age gap, I expect you had spells of rebelling against him when he was more father figure than equal partner.
But do you actually want to stay with hiim? Other than sex, is your relationship OK? You're young enough to leave and find a man of your own age, if you want to.

TheHermitCrab · 04/12/2014 12:24

Agree with CogitOIOIO and FluffyMcnuffy

But at the end of the day it was his choice to stay with you. If you both really want to be together then yes counselling BUT as cogit mentioned I really think he needs to counselling alone too if he's never really dealt with your betrayals.

Puffypower · 04/12/2014 12:28

Libido is not an issue with him - his drive is higher then mine.
ED is a concern but not sure how to address it.
Thank you for pointing out prostate - hadn't considered.

@SolidGoldBrass - We get on really well, I am not sure I love him as he deserves and I am sure a lot of people out there reading this would say I have proved that in my actions.
There is something missing in our relationship but 3 kids and he is the primary carer as I work makes it hard to leave. It isn't perfect but then who's relationship is.
The something is hard to explain though. I was 20, he was 45 when we met.....wasn't a whirlwind romance.

OP posts:

GoodKingQuintless · 04/12/2014 12:33

To be honest, it may not be surprising that a cheating spouse whose body and touch has pleased so many over the years, fail to turn him on sufficiently. I would have thought you would be the last person he would be able to "perform" with. Too much disappointment and heartache. Not sure what you could do though.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/12/2014 14:37

Is the back story related to the fact that you were 20 and he was 45 when you got together?

That's a massive age gap and furthermore you were very young. You were at totally different life stages. He's now becoming an old age pensioner and you are still in your thirties. I'm not surprised that the relationship is disfunctional. Having affairs was awful behaviour but surely it tells you your marriage is done diddly done?

Puffypower · 04/12/2014 15:14

@Ehric
Just hanging in until we are both sure I guess.

OP posts:

losthermind · 04/12/2014 15:18

How many affairs have you had ????

Puffypower · 04/12/2014 15:33

1 physical and a handful of emotional entanglements

OP posts:

CogitOIOIO · 04/12/2014 15:41

I think you'll have to have a crack at explaining 'the something' mitigating circumstances because - sadly - all that's coming across is a desperate old man thinking he has to keep forgiving a cheating younger woman, suppressing his feelings and being (literally) emasculated and rendered impotent by the whole experience.

He may never have said anything but have you any concept of how gut-wrenching and soul-sucking it is to find you've been betrayed by someone who is meant to love you?

losthermind · 04/12/2014 15:47

I don't know how you realistically think that as a couple you are able to work through your numerous infidelities.
An emotional affair is just as hurtful as a physical affair.
You have done this more than once, so in his eyes you are more than capable of doing it again,
What excuse do you have for betraying your partner on numerous occasions ? ?

Puffypower · 04/12/2014 15:51

Yes I have some idea as to how he is feeling. As I have said we have talked about it a lot.
I understand the betrayal he is feeling and without bad mouthing him, he betrayed me every time he took thousands of pounds from me to gamble online.

As I say we do not have a perfect relationship, on the whole it works and with 3 kids you try a little harder.

I am looking for a way to give him confidence and address a specific issue. I am doing this for HIM

OP posts:

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EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 04/12/2014 17:28

Your. Relationship. Is. Dead. Just up to you how long you want to keep flogging that very dead horse.

CogitOIOIO · 04/12/2014 17:31

Are you saying that your affairs were some kind of payback for his gambling? Two wrongs making a right? You keep mentioning the children. What really messes up DCs is not so much whether or not you stay together but the way you relate to each other. If your relationship is frosty, unhappy or hostile as a result of you both betraying each other in various ways then that might be something to consider

Twinklestein · 04/12/2014 18:28

Has he ever worked OP? Has he always been a SAHD?

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