Hello, may I please ask for your collective wisdom and advice? I’ll try to be as brief as possible, but so as not to drip feed, this will necessarily be very long. Please bear with me and thank you in advance.
Background: DH is the oldest of three brothers. They lost their father as children and had an extremely chaotic upbringing where they were not taught any life skills. However, despite this, DH and youngest brother are now fully functioning adults with careers, homes, long term partners and children.
Middle BIL is not. He lives in squalor because he cannot clean and refuses to learn. He has a very poor diet because he cannot cook and refuses to learn. He is financially incontinent. He is sporadically self-employed as he is incapable of holding down a job long term. He blames their mother for all his problems, saying that she is toxic (she may very well be Narc.) but will not go NC as she subsidises him financially in addition to benefits. He has been an in-patient at psychiatric hospital and has medication, and for many years has been involved in an extremely fundamentalist evangelical church. This has led to numerous disastrous, short lived relationships.
He and my ex-SIL have a sixteen year old daughter, our niece. She was unplanned, but they married. When niece was a baby, SIL and niece left BIL as one day, SIL had asked him to keep an eye on niece whilst she was in the bath; BIL left niece unattended and wandered off to smoke a cigarette in her room. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back for SIL after numerous incidents (see second paragraph!)
Ex-SIL and niece however maintained contact with BIL until a couple of months ago. Niece told BIL that she identifies as lesbian, which is absolutely unacceptable according to the teachings of his church.
For many years, Niece and SIL were not in contact with us anyway because BIL is a master of divide and conquer, and had told SIL and DH and I separately that following their break up we each wanted nothing to do with the other. This isn’t the case and SIL and I, and particularly DD1 and niece now get on extremely well indeed.
SIL’s relationship with BIL has always been tense and he would ask after SIL and I were reunited that I act as a mediator between them. This I did willingly.
So, two months ago I got a communication asking me again to ring SIL on his behalf. When I did, she told me how he had rejected “The” (BILs words) daughter for her “sin”. Niece was devastated and went NC.
I sent BIL an email saying that I had rung SIL, and she had told me that Niece had gone NC with BIL and why, how very sorry I was to hear this and that I hoped that things would work out.
His attitude turned on a knife edge, he sent me very sneery, goady and smug emails including one saying that he wanted nothing more to do with niece and of course, since they are so close neither of my DDs!
I hit the roof. I rang him and as soon as he heard something he didn’t like, he slammed the phone down and refused to answer again. I told him that this had nothing to do with DDs, but that meant by extension he wanted nothing more to do with me or more importantly their father, his brother.
I challenged his homophobia (I detest prejudice and will always challenge it) and all I get in return are rambling about how god says it’s wrong, I’m deluded, I’m accusing him of homophobia (I’ve been very, very careful not to actually call him homophobic) I’m controlling, hate-filled – you get the idea. He’s very angry and prone to be a martyr. This whole situation, of course is due to his mother’s toxicity, he says. He has dragged both his brothers into the argument and has been playing them off against the other
MIL asked DH if we could go and see her in December (she, and the two brothers live overseas) but due to the season and short notice it was financially impossible so could we see her at Easter? No. She demanded that DH go, she’s paying for his ticket but can’t be expected to pay for all four of us.
I’m still getting emails from BIL, but on DH’s advice I’m now ignoring. They’re becoming more frequent though, and I’m getting concerned that BIL is going to divide and conquer, telling all and sundry that “Waaaaah, Solidur is meeeeean, she’s horrible and is ignoring meeeeee!” I couldn’t care less about myself, but I do not want DH to suffer any backlash.
I’m so tempted to just reply “Dear BIL, thank you for your emails dated the sixteenth and twenty-first. I’d like to reassure you that I’ve received and read them. Thank you! Solidur”
Please advise me. Thank you so much for getting this far!
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
BIL problems. Hugely, massively long: thank you.
Solidur · 26/11/2014 13:16
Thank you! 
Felicity, yes, I would be more than happy to go NC with BIL. MIL is difficult, but by virtue of being eldest, DH seems to manage to reign her in somewhat. She's a widow in her eighties who has already lost touch with one son, don't you know? 
Seriously, Middle won't speak to her or have contact with her but accepts cash via Youngest.
The December visit isn't actually at Christmas, Matilda it's between Christmas and the New Year; DH has banked enough holiday days to have a long enough uninterrupted break to suck it up, fly over and keep her happy. He would like to see youngest brother and his family too, my nephew's birthday is at that time. She wants to pay for it so...
It's primarily youngest brother's relationship with DH I'm most concerned about. He's always been very protective of Middle BIL and whilst Youngest and DH have a good relationship, there were ructions (now resolved) and Middle BIL will gleefully shit stir between Youngest and DH.
I don't want DH to go over and be confronted with "Oh, why is Solidur ignoring Middle? Poor Middle!"
I asked DH what he thought of sending the neutral, bland response to shut down Middle earlier, but he hasn't had the chance to get back to me yet.
And yes, Middle is a massive PITA!
Thank you.
Thank you, Attilla that's what DH says. Don't engage the crazy!
Believe me, I've composed vicious replies in my head and left them there because as you say, Middle wants to play the martyr.
I think the best thing is for DH and Youngest to forge still closer links and not allow middle to shit stir, but I've seen what he is capable of and I'm wary. 
Hi, BeCool and thanks.
The problem is I'm concerned that Middle will relentlessly shit stir between Youngest and DH if I freeze him out. I'm more than happy with my relationship with Youngest, his DP and my nephew, but DH has not forgiven Middle for dragging our DDs into the row because they dared to continue their relationship with their cousin (Niece) and I actually feel quite sorry for Youngest too because now he's stuck in the middle.
Thank you, tribpot, you've hit the nail on the head! He was using me as messenger, but no more. I'm fully supportive of Niece.
Hi, thank you Humble - I "hit the roof" because by saying he wanted nothing more to do with DDs, he was automatically saying that he wanted nothing more to do with their father - his brother.
I accept that I do not have the right to dictate other's beliefs but it broke my heart that he was so - cold - to niece, and she instantly became "the" daughter not "my" daughter.
When I say "challenged" what I actually did was gently suggest that it wasn't the end of the world if Niece identified as lesbian and he might just say, "we disagree, but I still love you" instead of ranting and sending her pages of deeply homophobic literature.
I know he has no power over me or me over him and I'd be delighted to step back if I wasn't afraid he'd then shit stir between DH and Youngest.
However! That's for DH and Youngest to sort out, no?
Thank you, Manatee
I'd love to keep my beak out, but Middle continues to contact me. I'm ignoring them on DH's advice.
I don't know why, to get a reaction? I'm certainly not mediating between him and SIL since he rejected Niece.
I can't do anything except continue to ignore, support Niece and SIL and keep things ticking over with Youngest and his lovely family.
I just feel sick when I get another email from Middle, they're so goady and sneery.
He then said, effectively "If you continue a relationship with Niece, whom I have rejected, I reject you too!"
Send him a thank you card? 
But seriously it is up to your DH & Youngest to maintain their relationship. If Youngest is going to be influenced by Middle's anger, spite, ignorance and stupidity, what right or responsibility have you got to put yourself into that relationship and try to 'fix' it?
Why are you taking all the responsibility for everyone, including the mentally unwell in this complex dysfunctional family dynamic?
Also you aren't freezing him out, you are just removing yourself from being the facilitator with his own XP and child, whom he doesn't want anything to do with anyway. Leave him to have his own family relationships (or not) on his own. You aren't responsible for this person or for Youngest.
Step back.
Don’t want to miss threads like this?
Weekly
Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!
Log in to update your newsletter preferences.
You've subscribed!
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.