Husband got drunk and I hate it

[Whereismyb12]

Husband goes out with his best mate/friends once a week. I prefer to stay home and read (not a big fan of going out). Usually he's had a few drinks but is still in 'talking' state if I happen to be still up when he comes back, or quietly takes his clothes off and goes to bed. Sometimes, and by that I mean maybe once a month or two, he comes really pissed and I hate it because he's illogical and stubborn like hell in this state, even though still no trouble other than a bloody strong smell of alcohol which I hate (smell, not alcohol).

A bit of background: his father was an alcoholic when DH was a child/teenager which caused many financial/psychological problems to the family. Father was also violent after he had too many so DH feels very strong about not wanting to become like him. I like to have a drink too but my maximum is 2 drinks (afterwards I will simply fall asleep and feel like shit the next day so it's not worth it). I am afraid of drunk people and don't trust them. They disgust me. Always been like that and DH knows it.

Yesterday DH went to see his best mate and promised to be back at reasonable o' clock as we had plans for the morning. I went to bed at midnight, he wasn't home yet. Woke up at 5am, he wasn't in bed. Got worried and went to check the living room. He was there, sitting asleep on the couch, all lights on. I wanted him to be more comfortable and get in bed so I woke him up. I wasn't even trying to sound like a loving wife as he reeked of alcohol and it disgusted me. He was really drunk, so much that he was mumbling and couldn't stand straight. I told him to get in bed in our spare room as I didn't want to share my nice clean bed with a beer brewery but he was bloody drunk-stubborn and decided to sleep in our bedroom as he always does. I got angry and started pushing him towards the spare room saying no way he's sleeping with me. He started pushing me back in defense. To his credit he wasn't aggressive or attacking me, just defending himself from my pushing him into the spare room like if I was an annoying fly. He's too heavy/strong for me to push him successfully and the bedroom door doesn't have a lock so I gave up. Took the duvet and let him have the bedroom, went to the spare room myself. I was so shaken I couldn't stop crying.

But when we were pushing each other I got a flashback of all these films, friends' stories and internet threads about drunk partners and of how I always swore I would not let myself get in that situation. I do not deserve that. I don't want to feel uncomfortable because some idiot had too much to drink. I will not enable anyone's drinking getting out of hand.

I think I'm just shocked at DH pushing me back as he would never do that when sober. Just to clarify: he was never (now or in the past) physically violent towards me and knows the second it happens (IF it was ever to happen(, I'm calling the police and getting a solicitor.

I haven't posted in AIBU because I don't feel U. I just don't know how to react in the morning.

[Whereismyb12]

My hate of drunk people is rooted in sone traumatic childhood experience he knows about

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I sympathise but, at the same time, I'm not sure how you get around such a serious incompatibility. Not simply the alcohol but the fact that you have very different attitudes to being sociable. People need time with friends and a responsible attitude to alcohol kind of goes without saying, but do you ever socialise as a couple? Do you have much in common? Do you have any leisure activities that you do together that don't involve alcohol?

[thaiglish]

You had an internet flashback? a film flashback? Really?

Anyway, you have a basic incompatibility. You prefer to read a book rather than socialise with friends. Your DP, who actually has friends is unreasonable enough to want to see them once a week, it being a bit of a prerequisite of having friends.

Clearly your husband is an out of control alcoholic who had the brass neck to want to sleep in his own bed, despite you trying to use violent behaviour to get him out of the room.

Your DP is a filthy, entitled shit, just what are you getting out of this relationship?

[Whereismyb12]

I didn't want to make the first post very long, but yes we do go out as a couple a lot, mostly doing other stuff: restaurants, sport, visiting new places, outdoor activities. I will sometimes go out with him and his friends but not that often as it involves either meeting people who have the same hobby he has and talking all the time about that, or meeting his mates in a noisy, busy pub to drink (no talking really as you can't hear a thing). Both possibilities seem very boring to me and I tell him so. I like to socialise but not to get drunk. When I go out with my friends we're talking for hours over 1 drink. I just don't like the focus to be on alcohol.

[BastardGoDarkly]

I think you were very unreasonable to wake a perfectly ok sleeping drink man at 5 am and start shoving and pushing him.

Why didn't you just leave him?

He wasn't disturbing or bothering you, it seems you were pissed off He had been out, and wanted to make a point.

You may have issues with drunk people that he knows about (got from films/internet) but did you make it clear he must NEVER get drunk?!

[Whereismyb12]

Thaiglish, yes, weird as it seems, I prefer to learn on other people's mistakes than on mine. Why else would I read forums than to learn things? I read forums/watch film, think about it and make an opinion on what is important for me. Saves me time on trying to live every situation 'for real'.

I don't understand why someone who knows they stink like hell and their partner hates it won't have the decency to sleep in a spare room (on a couch mind you! I'm not COMPLETELY heartless) until they can be bothered to get a shower? Why do I have to do that? It's not the first time I'm sleeping on the couch because DH reeks of alcohol

[claraschu]

I don't think he has done anything bad. Yes, he got too drunk, but it is a rare occurrence and he just went to sleep on the couch, didn't bother you in any way (pee in your closet, vomit on your pillow,etc).You should have just let him sleep on the couch.

You sound overly worked up about alcohol.

[BloominNora]

But he was asleep on a couch - and you woke him up.

Not liking him getting drunk is one thing and something you should have waited to discuss with him when he was sober. You should have just left him alone or chucked a blanket on him and turned the lights off, not woke him and then become violent and abusive towards him when in his inebriated and disorientated state he just wanted to get into bed

I actually think you owe him an apology.

[justmuddlingalong]

Why is it OK for you to push your DH, but you are shocked he pushed you back?

[simontowers2]

I got angry and started pushing him towards the spare room
And he pushed you back and now your miffed? I think you sound a nightmare to live with tbh. If i had gone out, had a drink and slept downstairs to avoid waking partner, i would be furious if she woke me up and started pushing me around. Take a long hard look at yourself OP and stop trying to blame your partner for what quite clearly are your own issues.

[Whereismyb12]

Bastard, I woke him up because I wanted him to be more comfortable (found him sitting asleep and this was also an indication of how drunk he was).

I am not comfortable with anyone getting drunk. Merry, yes. Drunk, no. Drunk people equal danger in my experience. When I was growing up I never ever saw my parents or relatives drunk. Even at university people I socialised with never got drunk to the point of changing their behaviour. After coming to the UK I was shocked at the attitude of many people to alcohol. Maybe it's a cultural difference but I can't get over it

[justmuddlingalong]

It sounds to me like you woke him up, not to make him comfortable, but to goad him. He was sleeping, so must have been comfortable enough.

[kittensinmydinner]

Has your dh just started this behaviour ?

[AmericasTorturedBrow]

I can't really see where he's gone wrong - even if he got drunker than he should have, he probably sat himself in the living room in order NOT to wake or disturb you. In a disorientated and inebriated state, upon being woken probably rightly assumed he was being take to bed / you say yourself he was acting in self defense when "swatting" you away.

If you don't want him to ever get drunk then you need to have that conversation. When he's sober.

[SolomanDaisy]

You probably need to calm down a bit and stop projecting Internet and film stories on to your own life. As far as I can see, your DH did nothing much wrong and you behaved like a bit of a brat. Your reactions to him drinking are quite extreme.

[Bowlersarm]

Maybe he could stay at his friends house on the nights he's drinking?

[sandgrown]

Your husband sounds a reasonable bloke who just enjoys a night out. If he falls asleep downstairs leave him to it. Whilst I am not saying you should take up drinking you do seem to have big issues relating to alcohol and maybe you should speak to someone about it.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I used to be married to someone who had no concept of 'just one or two' where alcohol was involved. His wider family contained a lot of alcoholics. I know how this behaviour progresses from being 'mildly worrying' to 'annoying' to 'upsetting' and how, over time, you can get sensitised to behaviour that others might see as just a guy having a bit of fun over a few drinks. It stops being funny.

There's very little room for compromise when you have different ideas about what 'moderate' alcohol consumption looks like.

[BastardGoDarkly]

I wasn't even trying to sound like the loving wife

[patienceisvirtuous]

YABVU and over the top. Poor bloke.

[lunar1]

You should have just left him alone. He wasn't bothering you. It sounds like you wanted to make a point and then got violent when he didn't do exactly as you wanted.

You don't sound very compatible.

[pictish]

Why you beetled him into going to bed I don't know. I would've turned the lights off and left him there, as he was obviously comfortable where he was. Let the silly drunk man wake up with a crick in his neck!

Seriously, I'm the goer outer here, and if I came home and fell asleep in the chair only to be awoken by my disgusted dh trying to shove me into the spare room, I'd tell him to back off in no uncertain terms! It would be like living with your mum!!

I'm sorry it ended up being a toil, but you are making too much of this, and being a bit heavy handed. Your problem with alcohol is just that - yours. You say your dh knows how you feel about it - but on top of that, you seem to think that carries weight that should influence what he does!

I agree with the others - this is an incompatibility issue really. It's fine if you don't want to indulge (I'm not much of a drinker myself) but I don't think you get to cast the final vote either.
I think in this instance you created the scene I'm afraid. Sorry.

[Whereismyb12]

Bastard, when I was waking him up, I wanted him to be comfy in bed because:

1. I just wanted him to be comfy
   
2. I wanted him to have a good night rest before our important meeting this morning. He needs to be thinking clearly, that's why we BOTH agreed he wouldn't be back too late and he wouldn't drink too much. The meeting is as important for him as it is for me.
   

If I wanted to have a go at him I would do it in the morning when we could understand/remember what I say, not in the middle of the night

[longjane]

Of course you are entitled to no like anyone drunk.

We all have our likes and dislikes.
I think you learn something tonight and that is not wake a sleeping drunk.
Let them be. Don't help them to bed. Leave them where they fall.

I think you might have to think hard if this a deal breaker for you.

Very few people in the uk don't drink ever but they are out there .
And as you have seen from your replies most people think getting drunk is fine. You don't have to accept as normal behaviour though.

[Whereismyb12]

Thank you all for your input. I am aware that I have issues with alcohol and I project them onto him. It's not his fault that I'm afraid of drunk people and don't know how to handle them. Yes he is a decent bloke and doesn't deserve that. I will speak to him in the morning