Been doing the right thing for toooo long , just woke up to life , is it wrong?

[maeggee]

I am 43 , married with two kids, good financial cushion stop working to look after husband , houses , businesses, kids , in laws and went back home this year after almost 15 years .still kept strong ties with family but my trip coinciding with my brother wedding reunited me with my childhood sweetheart that I never told I loved to death and surprise , he always felt the same .we grew up together our dads were best friends but we both were brilliant in school had scholarship and left home , never thought About him for 30 years , the very day I spoke to him on the phone to meet him with the kids the day after I was so sick I could not eat , when we met I nearly fainted when he told me he always loved me and never forgot about me , we were very young Nd he never thought he could even dare approach me .We are both marrived with kids , with lives apart but after 6 months we strongly depend on each other every morning to talk and tell each other we love each other , I know it's wrong , but one word I never stop loving him and he did not how do I explain that to my husband?

[charlie2405]

Hi there.

I wonder if its the thrill thats keeping you so hooked. You say you never thought about him in 30 years so you must have been happy with your husband and life. The excitement of someone making you feel wanted and sexy and the links with your youth are making you relive that amazing teenage haze perhaps? I don't mean to be mean but do you think that the day to day with this guy will end up like you have with your husband after the honeymoon wears off? If you do think of the hurt it'll cause to all involved and go cold turkey- cut off all contact delete his number or better get a new number. If your totally sure it is love and your willing t give up everything- and that means your children too, because they will be really upset- then you need to have a frank conversation with your husband. Be honest and open and make arrangements to be civil for your childrens sakes.

Best luck and I hope you find happiness xx

[maeggee]

True it was excitement and thrill to start with I did think of all of it ,why jeopardise the good things I had and then I realised that my husband actually was not inspiring me much, I spent the last 5 years building a business with him , dropped everything work, studies and devoted myself doing everything around the house I mean everything , my husband doesn't even change a light bulb no kids runs , shopping , sports ,in 13 years he has bought me Xmas pressies once , bday twice nothing for Mother's Day I mean I went on holiday to get away for him he thinks he works bring the money and that was it ,he does not even buy a toothbrush for himself I do everything for him even his pedicure, and the man never took me out for a drink , why, so I did fell out of love a long time ago and I kept on doing all these things for the kids sake , sex? No he wants to do it like in 2000 get excited for 3mn have it his way and get some sleep I tried to introduce new things he said no , so I did not feel guilty at all letting my feelings pour out , we argue less now seeing that I don't give in .

[Fingeronthebutton]

How old are the children? It sounds to me, if it's not your ' lost love' that you find 'a life' with, it will be someone else. Life's too short to carry on as you are. You are still a young woman.

[maeggee]

I am sorry did not check my messages , been away and been suffering from bad back , damage discs , but hey life goes on am up and running , kids just turned 9 and 11, am trying my hardest with them , I do everything for them too but it's a joy and they are good huggers and mummy's girls.I actually found a life as you put it , for the first time since 2001 my husband bought me lingerie for Xmas present ( second Xmas present. Since then) never bothered now he feels that I am confident to ignore his indifference Bicos of another man he tries a little bit , still hard for him to offer anything or be spontaneous , I get to breathe with my long lost I hear about love and passion every single morning though we are miles apart , he knows what to say to make my heart smile, I am calmer , I am a better person , I feel loved I feel gorgeous. My skin is glowing I yell less at the kids I mean my whole attitude has changed, I am going back to uni to complete my postgrad in interpreting ,I am happy!

[maeggee]

Don't know what it is but don't think I can get rid of the love I have for him , we just complete each other and I can't think of any other time I felt happier in my whole life

[Milllli]

It's a case if the grass is greener and he will make my life better. He wont. He probably won't even leave his wife and kids for you. It's a fantasy. Escaping from life.

[maeggee]

Oh I am not at the point where I want to leave my family and ask him to leave his , we both respect each other's lives that we already built and the responsibilities that we have towards our children , things get way too complicated when you think of the positions we both have in our family ( he is practically family , there is no wedding or christening in my family where He won't be present ) and he has a very high profile job as well , so i am quite happy to look after my business kids and houses and any responsibility that comes along , he is as well , but we break down crying of love and joy everytime we meet , I cherish every second we share and feel fulfilled for the next few weeks when I am in my lifeless boring marriage . I reckon even people in loving marriages are not happy 24/7 , I will take what life gives me and make the most of it , not gonna spend another 15 years trying to teach a man how to be a husband

[alwayslookingforsomething]

I think it is a fantasy. I have been in a similar situation myself. He won't leave his wife and kids. It makes life a lot nicer thinking he loves you and you love him. It is going to lead to heartbreak.

It is not going anywhere, he is not willing to leave his wife and kids and you don't want to leave your family either. So where do you think this is realistically going?

[ImperialBlether]

I don't understand - who are you talking about when you say he's practically family? Your new/old boyfriend? But you hadn't given him a thought for 30 years - how can he be present at weddings and christenings?

I think what's happened is that you're in a relationship with your husband which is very boring and unsatisfactory and unfulfilling. Nobody could blame you for being unhappy with that.

The thing is that it appears you have now gone mad! You have picked up this new relationship and run with it, but actually it's one that you gave no thought whatsoever to for 30 years! You are now living in fantasyland.

What will bring you rapidly out of fantasyland is your husband or his wife finding out. This is very, very likely - you are both acting out of character and I daresay there are clues miles long surrounding both of you.

Your children are still young. They would understand you divorcing because you are unhappy but if they find out their family life has ended because of your infidelity, you can be prepared for some very, very unhappy times.

[Leighhalfpennyisagod]

www.lostlovers.com

Be happy. X

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'Love' is such a tricky concept sometimes. You meet someone from your youth, they say they love you, it's exciting, it's romantic, it's s time-capsule back to an era before you were middle-aged and responsible for a family.....

If your marriage is really on its arse, then talk to your husband about that and make arrangements to go for a decent split. Don't pin your hopes on this fantasy figure from another life as your life-boat. He has to make his own decisions and you may find that he's not quite as prepared as he says to cut his ties.

[maeggee]

The reason why I said he is family is that his dad and mine are cousins and grew up together and stayed best friends until his dad died , my uncle is his godfather and was when we were teenagers his boarding school dean ( he went to military school) and every holiday when I came at my grandmas we would meet there , we both left home , when he was 18 and then I left after my first Degree at 22 , we never told each other how we felt , our family were very conservative and I was a virgin until 25 .I was kind of discovering dating for the first time I went to uni , by that he was long gone he is 3 years older than me so I never thought because families were so close I had zero chance but then he was not around either , so for exactly 23 years I travelled the world studying ad working and it's only the last two years that I returned home every year and the year before he was my brothers best man at his wedding that 's how we both found again each other .and it's true I have never thought that I stood a chance with him, he says his last memory of me was at his cousins christening I was 15. I am not trying to reason myself by doing the right thing Bicos it's not gonna end anywhere , I am just leaving the present ,this is how I feel and maybe I need to feel alive and not do the right thing for once and be happy .
I told my husband how unhappy I was with him not this year not last year not the year before ,it always has been a constant battle and I stayed for the kids or always taking his word that he was going to make efforts, he does not want to see a counsellor , no marital advice he thinks he knows everything and does not want to try anything .this came while we were going through all this and I am not gonna choose him when I have a choice of breathing for the first time!I am not organising the future and surely not pinning my hopes of happiness on him ,I am living right now and right now has been better than the last 15 years .

[upsetagain]

So what is it that you want to do?

Are you ready to leave your husband and be happy on your own?

Or do you want to still be saying I love you the OM every day and staying in an unhappy marriage?

[maeggee]

I would leave him if it won't unsettle the kids but he himself would not agree he would be lost without me and can't bear that idea he says he still loves me to bits but just can't show it , even alone I would be a happy woman with the girls we would have a very sweet little life , my whole family knows what's going on they are just telling me to keep my girls close and not to make rush decision ,they were never happy with the way that my husband treated me but stood by me Bicos of the kids .I am happy with my CSweetheart but my happiness does not depend on him I am a strong women Will take and deal with whatever life throws at me , I am just not denying my feelings for another man and taking full responsibility to be happy.

[upsetagain]

So you are staying with him because he would be lost without you?

[SensationalGirl]

Sounds like a fantasy. You're not picking his socks up off the floor or scraping his leftovers into the bin every night. Do you ever see him cranky, stressed, smelling of BO? There is no everyday reality with this man, it's just pure one on one "I love you" connection.

But that's not even love, you know that, it's passion and lust. It's Mills and Boon. If your marriage needs work to become better then spend your energy fixing it. Communicate with your husband, not the new/old guy, that will never fix anything in your life.

Affairs are almost always bad news and there is no chance of your marriage getting better while the new/old guy is around. Fix your marriage and the new/old guy will be less important to you.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Your husband is not going to agree to make the break, by the sound of it. You say you don't necessarily want a relationship with your OM although he seems to be taking up a lot of your emotional energy. So if you want an independent life and you truly believe it's the right thing to do then take the initiative rather than hanging around wasting time. Do some research, make some arrangements, talk to people that will support you, work out how to achieve what you want without too much distress to your children, see lawyers etc.

[maeggee]

I took what you said about trying to put that emotional energy into my home just to nestle realise that I do not love my husband of a love strong enough to continue having the same kind of sex he wants with a teapot .We talk or I talked about all my issues he says he will make more effort to live in the house and be more than a provider but won't talk about the sex part , he will not try aporia change anything I have to just get my head into it. We made peace to get on with the mummy daddy thing which is fine by me I never stopped anyway but I refuse to "give him sex" as he calls it. Spoke to my CS too and decided that I will leave him when I stop feeling that I love him to death and he is the man that rocks my boat eventhough we far away from each other .I should be able to define my happiness through my own terms and as I said am tired of doing the right thing , I talk to my daughters and we close enough for me to tell them what I need to when it matters.For the first time in 43 years I am at a very comfortable place in my heart and life.