Affair, the aftermath and now this.

[suchabloodymess]

Dear mumsnetters, I need help, please. Have NC'd. i don't know what to do.

My husband and I have had a rocky marriage for some time, following the birth of our first child... Thence: my subsequent PND, lack of sex life, him being disrespectful, controlling rude and hurtful for a long time. Me then , inexcusably having a (fairly brief) affair, him finding out, forgiving me, (but not really, actually) lots of arguments and upset for the past 18 months as a result.

Not excusing my actions in any way, but trying to give some context...

We've had counselling for over a year, it hasn't really got us anywhere.

We still don't have a sex life - there have been issues in the past with him basically nagging and making it such an unpleasant issue that I ended up having sex with him when I didn't want to, and I can't seem to get over that to the point of wanting to, with him, again.

We're either cordial but distant, or arguing, or he's basically trying to get me to have sex. Is how it seems to me. He says that's not what's important to him. But it feels otherwise.

Saturday night we reached a new low point. We'd been for dinner at friends. During the meal I said something (about visiting the poppies, FFS) which lead him to be really rude to me at the dinner table. And basically launching into a full character assassination and yelling at me in the car. I asked him to stop the car and let me get out – basically I couldn't be near him for another moment or listen to it any more. I didn't have any money on me (stupidly) but figured I could get some at home when I got there (cab) as my mum was at home babysitting. He lost it, demanded I get back in the car. I refused so he attemtpted to forcibly pick me up and out me in the car. I didn't want this, so tried to push him off.

At this point passers by (bust street, Friday night) yelled at him to stop, saying something like "you don't handle a woman like that". He said "She's my WIFE, it's none of your business" but as this was going on I could walk away.

Police car pulled up two minutes down the road - flagged down by the passers by, I think. Took statements from both of us. I guess we're on some kind of database now. I don't know.

He's tried to justify it since, saying he was just concerned for me and what else was he to have done. I said that he didn't feel "concerned" he felt angry, and that there were many other things he could have done.

I don't know how to feel about it. Or what to do about it. I feel mistrustful of him. He says I'm blowing out of all proportion and that he didn't hit me etc.

It just feels so hopeless. I am bombarded every minute I'm at home with words, how he feels, what he wants, how much he wants our marriage to be a success. I just don't know if after everything that's possible. Especially now.

I'm fearful of divorce. I feel sure H will go for full custody. He tells everyone who will listen (including my mum) that I am unstable and how he does everything for the children. He doesn't, and I'm unhappy, not unstable. He drives me round the bend, going on and on until late in the night, nd sometimes i lose it with him. But that's not the same thing. I think he'll use my history of PND against me.

I don't know how I'll keep things going. I run my own business, which, while it has huge potential isn't the secure monthly income I'll need. Bt it enables me to collect the children from school etc.

And anyway, I don't think he'll leave, and there's no way I can make him, so I would have to leave - with the children...

I just don't know what to do. I feel desperate. I'm sorry it's so long. I did try and keep it brief, and failed.

I don't know what I'm asking. probably asking if I'm blowing out of all proportion. If I should just get over myself for the sake of the children.

I don't know. I keep crying.

TIA.

[nrv0us]

"I don't know what I'm asking. probably asking if I'm blowing out of all proportion."

Nope.

[Hassled]

God that sounds bloody grim - I'm sorry you're going through it all. It doesn't sound salvageable, either - you've said nothing positive about the man (and really, why would you say anything positive?) . So if staying put is flogging a dead horse, then you need to leave for the sake of your own sanity.

You mention your mother - is she able to help in terms of a loan for a house rental deposit or could she house you and the kids for now? Do you have any savings?

It's called residency rather than custody these days - this link is useful. And as it seems (to me) unlikely that anyone would think his having sole care of the children is in their best interests, I wouldn't worry - he's saying that to scare you.

[dadwood]

I'm fearful of divorce. I feel sure H will go for full custody

I am wondering:
How would he look after the children if he had full custody?

[TrousersSchmowsers]

I've just ended an unhappy marriage, after years of wondering whether I was just taking the wrong approach, and am managing with kids on a very low income. There is support out there. Leaving with the kids is absolutely possible for you. PM me if you like. Good luck.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Sooo... he doesn't work then?
All the financial strain is on you?
going on and on until late in the night, nd sometimes i lose it with him
Well that's hardly surprising is it.
I couldn't live like this.
You have one life and right now you are completely and utterly unhappy.
Why do you have to live like that?
Live you life to the fullest, the way YOU want to.
Do not accept shit from anyone.

Please contact Womens Aid and sign up to their Freedom Programme.
I think you'll find he's been abusive on a lot of occasions!

[suchabloodymess]

Can he use my affair against me in a custody battle? My PND? I just feel like he's quietly building a case against me...

The thought of the impact of this on the children devastates me.

Saturday night just tipped me over the edge, really. He says it was no big deal. It feels like a big deal. He's previously tried to stop me, physically, from leaving the room, leaving the house, during arguments. Making himself a barrier, restraining me. Saying it's for my own good and that he's just 'worried' about me. But this was something different. Worse. the last time I hit him. Not hard, but was trying to get out of the house and he wouldn't let me. He now talks of this as I beat him. I was just trying to get away.

And I am an adult. I should be able to go wherever I want, out of a room, a house, a car, if that's my choice... Surely... I shouldn't have hit him.

I just feel he will use all this.

Oh god.

[suchabloodymess]

hellsbells. No, he works. Good job. Is the primary earner, at the moment. Things have been tough in the business for the first half of this year. Better now.

He says he'll lose his job if we divorce because he won't be able to cope.

dadwood, they're at school, he can work flexibly (as do I) and use after school care etc. Not sure what he'd do when he travels for work. probably wouldn't as much.

He paints me as a bit hopeless, unable to cope, and himself as the put-upon hero. I do cope, and I know I'm a good, loving mother. But you start to wonder if he's right. When it's not just making me really angry.

[suchabloodymess]

Sorry that should say "has a good job". Not a good job he works. Although it is, obvs.

[suchabloodymess]

Thanks for the link Hassled. I'm trying to understand if this went to court what would be factored in to their decision and what wouldn't.

[suchabloodymess]

Trousers, Have the kids been ok? I may PM you. Thank you. x

[dadwood]

He paints me as a bit hopeless, unable to cope, and himself as the put-upon hero. I do cope, and I know I'm a good, loving mother. But you start to wonder if he's right. When it's not just making me really angry. I think he is gaslighting you.

That's a wikipedia link, I am sure a MNer has a better link

[suchabloodymess]

dadwood. I just genuinely think he believed he's whiter than white. Angry at myself for having an affair that allowed him to do this more convincingly.

[dadwood]

suchabloodymess I just genuinely think he believed he's whiter than white.
He clearly isn't that! Don't let him persuade you of it in any way!

[Jan45]

Time to call it a day, in fact it was time a long time ago, get out of this, it's not normal and it's not fair on your children, so unhealthy for everyone having to witness.

No he won't get full custody, having pnd or an affair won't even come into it, get yourself sorted out with that free half hour with a solicitor and get out of that awful situation.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Instead of having an affair you must wish you'd left back then. If you have been the primary carer why do you think he could reverse this and edge you out if you divorce? For starters if he's full time employed 50:50 is surely more likely than H taking charge. What makes you think outsiders will believe him not you? Courts hear all the time, he says/she says.

PND hasn't disqualified you from parenting so far. He knows that the DCs are in a warm loving environment. You aren't being monitored by professionals. He is desperately trying to put you off from ending the relationship by insinuating you won't be permitted to be main carer any longer.

This marriage ran its course some while ago and a year of counselling hasn't fixed it so the next logical step is to look into separating. He can't make you stay married if you don't want to.

[InfinitySeven]

You need to go now. As in, today.

The affair won't matter. PND won't matter. A history of violence, though, could very well be bought up in a custody battle, and it's looking like that would be his only option at the moment.

Your marriage is over. There is nothing left to save. At the moment, you are just waiting to see how far you can fall...and there is no success there. Make the move for your children.

[WannaBe]

Op the fact you had an affair is irrelevant here really, but I suspect that you’re using it as a stick to beat yourself with. I’m aware this is not a popular view on mn but affairs happen. No they’re not right or justified but they’re not black and white either. Sometimes, good people do bad things.

Whether your h forgives you is irrelevant really, what’s important is that you forgive yourself.

The courts aren’t actually interested in whether you had an affair. It can be a reason to file for divorce (but only within six months so you have nothing to worry about there either) but wrt whether you are fit to look after your children the affair has no consequence. And neither does your pnd unless it puts your children at risk which it clearly doesn’t given he’s obviously happy for you to have care of them at the moment.

Even violence has very little impact on contact if it’s not directed at the children. What the courts are interested in is that the children remain in a safe stable environment.

I imagine that he’s telling you he’ll lose his job as a way to tell you that you won’t get any money from him if you divorce him. It’s not uncommon sadly.

This marriage is over. The only question you have to ask yourself is when you’re planning to tell him that.

[TrousersSchmowsers]

Yes the kids are fine thank you. So will yours be.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

This is an abusive relationship and it needs to end. I'd also strongly advise you to speak to your local dv organisation for support and to start an external record. Have a look at the power and control wheel and see how many areas resonate with you.

[Nillia]

It sounds like things all went downhill after the birth of your child. Im sure the post natal depression was hard for both of you. You said you had an affair so can I ask why you and your DH stopped having sex?

[suchabloodymess]

Sorry for the delay in replying. MNHQ decided to suspend my account. All cleared up now. Just, well. Not helpful.

Have collected the children from school, fed them and put them to bed. And now have come back to the office, because it's my only refuge at the moment. DH will just go on and on and on until I feel like I'm going mad at home.

Just do this, we need to do this and then our marriage can be amazing, I forgive you, etc. But on and on and on for hours. Until 1, 2am.

Yes, I wish I'd left back when and not had an affair. I wish that more than anything. What it did do was highlight how messed up things were at home. But in doing that I sacrificed any moral high ground I might have had. And I know that if/when I leave I will be painted as the scarlet woman etc. Which just makes it harder. And yes, I feel guilty and also that i no longer have any right to get angry or upset with DH about whatever he does.

I can't go today. I can't go until March probably. If ever. Because DH has a visit booked to his home country, and there's no way I'm letting him take the children there without me, in the aftermath of a split. It might be silly and an over-reaction but a part of me is worried he'd stay there with them.

And if I did it and refused permission for him to take them then there would be no hope of some kind of amicable co-parenting set up. It would be acrimonious from the off. So I have to stick it out until after then.

I'm dreading the holiday in part because my FIL is exactly like my husband at his worst. Or rather my husband at his worst is like his father. Manipulative, controlling, fond of shutting me in rooms and barricading the door while he berates me for some perceived 'transgression'. It's one reason DH's behaviour frightens me. Because his father frightens me, and I see him, increasingly, in DH.

I don't know how I can get through until March. And what the hell I'll do in March. Apart from try and get some money together in an account of my own. I don't currently have one, it's all joint and DH has control over it.

I also can't bear the thought of being apart from the children for weekends, evenings etc when they're with DH. The thought breaks my heart. Can one ever adjust to that?

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

I think your thinking is very skewed. You aren't going to achieve amicable
With an abusive, controlling man so it's a goal you need to let go of. You can leave immediately (or as soon as possible) and you can definitely recent him from taking the children out of the country, you can get a prohibited steps order.
He's not a nice or reasonable man, please stop expecting him to act like one.

And having an affair does not justify abuse. It means your relationship is fucked beyond repair but it does not mean you have to stay with him out of some misguided idea of reparation or self punishment.

[suchabloodymess]

Ehric - I just worry about provoking and inflaming the situation further. I've stuck it this far, I can stick it another few months... I need some time to sort out my feelings and the practicalities anyway. And gets some money together.

[Fairenuff]

OP I only got to this part before I had to post - He says I'm blowing out of all proportion and that he didn't hit me

He is saying that you should be grateful that he didn't hit you.

He is thinking about hitting you.

You have to leave before it gets worse.

You need to get legal advice. He can be made to leave the home if there is a risk that he could be aggressive. Get yourself a solicitor who has experience with separating from an abusive man.

[suchabloodymess]

Nillia, I had a difficult birth, with DC1, a long labour, traumatic forceps delivery, extended third degree tear, cervical and vaginal lacerations. It took me a long while to recover physically, aside from anything else. On top of a difficult pregnancy, when for ten weeks we thought DC would die or be born with severe problems. And then a colicky reflux baby, and basically no sleep for a year. During which point I developed pretty severe PND. To be honest sex was the last thing I wanted, or was even thinking about. DH wanted to start having sex again, and put a lot of pressure on me to resume when I was in pretty dark place. At the time I felt completely unsupported and like it was just another thing I was failing at and I had to do. That I was supposed to do it for him, but i couldn't. Not at that point. He would get quite angry and resentful because I guess he felt rejected. And I wound up feeling very resentful towards him about it. Because it felt like he made things worse when I was at my lowest ebb.

Sorry, long answer to a short question.