Ways to stop being bloody silly about someone

[LoisPuddingLane]

Some of you may remember that I was on about a bloke a while back whom I've known for a while. Despite his seeming to really like me at first, it's never got beyond friendship. I've now moved but we are still in regular contact, usually instigated by him. (I have this mantra in my head DON'T CHASE DON'T CHASE DON'T CHASE.) He contacts me a lot and we talk about him coming to see me. And then nothing happens. I am aware that this probably means he's not that interested. The question is how do I stop my feelings? I know I tend to go for men who are or who make themselves unavailable, and it's really unhealthy.

I want to not think about him. I want to stop crushing on him. I fantasise about him sexually to a really stupid degree. Any tips for getting him out of my head (and other parts)?

[GoatsDoRoam]

God these situations are so frustrating. You're right not to chase, and I would recommend you keep busy with lots of activities and people that make you feel good about yourself.

I also recommend you confront him. Ask him to shit or get off the pot. He clearly can't make his mind up, so put it to him directly: "Dude, I like you. I need to know if this is going somewhere, or if I should stop liking you."

And if he answers anything less than sweeping you into his arms for a kiss, then stay the f### away from him until your feelings have died down. Because staying in "friendly" contact with someone you have feelings for just messes with your head.

[LoisPuddingLane]

Yes yes to all of the above. I just need to be brave enough to have the "Dude" conversation. I think it's not helped by his being one of my longest standing friends in a strange country and he would leave something of a gap. I need more friends .

Oh god, the dude conversation. I just know it's going to be horribly embarrassing. I've had before the horrible response of "I just don't think of you in that way." Some things you can do without hearing. But yes, it would be a good idea to know for sure. Although his lack of...anything...might be answer enough.

[GoatsDoRoam]

Good, so you've done it before. You know you can do it again, and survive. It will put your mind at rest one way or another.

You are a bright and lovable person, and you will be able to make any number of friends in your new country, I have no doubt.

[LoisPuddingLane]

Oh that's a lovely thing to say. Thank you.

[GoatsDoRoam]

[zigazigah01]

I have a "friend" like this. He lives in a different city and messages me quite a lot - all instigated by him basically. He talks about how we should meet half way or how the next time he is in my city we will do x, y and z. Never happens!
Basically I think he knows I like him and if he's bored or feeling down likes the attention I will give him. He has no intention of us ever meeting half way or whatever.
I liken myself to a goldfish that comes up to the surface of the pond immediately to gobble up his crumbs of attention.
Recently I've kind of taken this situation in hand a bit. I'm polite but I no longer 'jump' and I close conversations down. I don't allow him to weave fantasies about meeting up half way or whatever. It's not perfect - probably better just to go NC altogether but it works for me better to kind of phase him out.
What I would say is to have a hard think about whether this guy is really a friend or whether he is just using you as an ego stroke. A real friend would not make promises he has no intention of keeping or lead on you if he is not really interested in a relationship.
I wouldn't even have a conversation with this guy - would just begin to phase him out. If he wants a relationship with you he will show you that.

[LoisPuddingLane]

mm. Wise words there. I'm always so bloody happy when he messages me, it's ridiculous. I play it cool but yeah, maybe I'm his ego-stroke. Arse.

[SaucyJackOLantern]

Why don't you just stop with the "playing it cool" games and ask him out? Men are people too, and they appreciate a no-nonsense show of interest as much as we do.

If he says no, or won't give you a straight answer then you'll know he's just been playing silly buggers the whole time and you can then draw a line and move on.

[LoisPuddingLane]

It's not really a game, more a protection thing. Also I don't want to be like an incontinent puppy every time he messages me, it doesn't look good.

But yes, point taken.

[zigazigah01]

I mean you could just have the conversation for your own peace of mind but if he says he doesn't have romantic feelings then it's time to stop jumping.

[SaucyJackOLantern]

I wasn't suggesting you strip off and stand on his lawn with a sign saying take me now hung round your neck

But next time he says something like he really should come and stay, just message back that you've got nothing planned for the first week of December (for ex) so why not then?

His answer will tell you what you need to know.

[LoisPuddingLane]

Although the sign round the neck might be useful. I think you're right. Bull by horns and actually offer a date. I've waffled around about an early Xmas dinner sort of thing. Need to put my shepherd's pie on the table, I think.

[LoisPuddingLane]

When I say offer a date, I mean with a small "d".

[CheersMedea]

Ask him to shit or get off the pot. He clearly can't make his mind up, so put it to him directly: "Dude, I like you. I need to know if this is going somewhere, or if I should stop liking you."

I wouldn't bother myself. It's a universal truth - if you have to ask the question, you already know the answer. "Do you love me?" Nope. "Will you ever ask me out?" Nope. "Does my bum look big in this?" Yep.

Seriously though, unless he suffers from genuine crippling shyness/ social phobic (which is extremely rare in humans generally), if he wanted to ask you out he would have done.

The only benefit to you of asking him directly is that you may be able to use it as a trigger to go no contact with him. But really, is that going to help you?

If you ask him about it, there are three options here:

1. He will do aforementioned "sweeping". Very very unlikely. You know this. Would have happened by now.
2. He will not want to end the ego stroking relationship he has with you so will go for some general flannelling. This is the worst of both worlds because you won't be any further forward and he'll give you hope.
3. He will turn you down. You'll have your ego bruised or be humiliated depending on how you feel about it.

Bull by horns and actually offer a date

In effect you are chasing him and doing his job for him. If he was interested, he'd ask you out. If he says yes, then you'll never know if it was just because you asked and he's not that in to you but taking advantage of your interest in him.

My advice is to pull away and see what happens. Warm words, cool actions. So if he calls you be warm and friendly but get off the phone fast and back to your super-busy fun life.

Gradually phase him out of your life and you'll get your answer. He'll step up or he won't. If he doesn't, your gradual phasing will mean you are no contact with him, so you won't even notice.

[zigazigah01]

Good advice from CheersMedea - this is basically what I was trying to say to say.

The worst outcome is 2 - that is just pure selfishness on his part and if this is what he does then he is not a friend. 3 might be brutal but at least he cares enough to give you a straight answer.

[LoisPuddingLane]

If you have to ask, yes, you usually do know the answer. And I think I do know the answer.

Which really was why I started the thread - I'm sick of falling for unavailable men and trying to "make them notice me". I'm sick of there not being any other options presenting themselves. He's pretty much the only straight, single man I know of around my age. I want to be someone who doesn't get in this situation. I can trace it back to childhood and the first boy I liked. (And probably further back to my emotionally fucked up/unavailable father).

Getting a bit old to change, but it's just so desperately miserable wanting someone who shows only the most intermittent interest. For example this chap will make very positive comments if I post a picture on Facebook of me when I was younger. Say ooh foxy or something like that. But nothing at all if I post an up to date photo.

Oh god, I need to not be in this situation!

[MadeMan]

Is this the same man that liked your chicken and roast potatoes that time (last summer I think?) Lois?

[PitchSlapped]

You sound like me and its miserable. I dont want to play games but i have taken to not initiating contact as its always me who suggests we go out and i feel just like the poster who likened herself to the goldfish. I think i need a busier life then it wouldnt bother me

[MadeMan]

"For example this chap will make very positive comments if I post a picture on Facebook of me when I was younger. Say ooh foxy or something like that."

To be honest, perhaps you should give him the old heave-ho just for using the word 'foxy'.

[LoisPuddingLane]

Yeah it's roast potatoes guy. I clearly don't have much action going on, do I

[MadeMan]

"Yeah it's roast potatoes guy."

That's a great name. Maybe you could start calling him 'Roasty' as his nickname when you see him next, Lois.

Did he also have a habit of knocking on your front door at about 2 o'clock in the morning asking you to go out, or am I thinking of someone else's thread?

[LoisPuddingLane]

More or less, yes. Wow, it's spooky when people remember stuff, but nice.

Basically I'd get a text when he was already out with some pals saying did I want to join them. This happened three times I think. Not a booty call because we've never been in booty territory. But I would never just go out and meet anyone like that - I need time to get ready for seeing people. Classic introvert. Also, bloody cheek.

[CheersMedea]

I'm sick of there not being any other options presenting themselves. He's pretty much the only straight, single man I know of around my age.

Well OK. This is a different problem but a manageable one.

This is the root of your fixation on this bloke. You should be whirling from one date to the next, batting of suitors with a flick of your feather boa. Then you wouldn't notice whether he was commenting on your FB posts (stay off FB by the way!! no good comes of FB for those feeling a bit sh*t. it's full of fake "my life is great")

You need to meet more men and more people generally. There was a thread around here where someone was asking for her older mother/granny or similar for suggestions that has lots of good ideas on.

I would add here - focus on making new friends - including women. Remember that women have male friends; women have husbands who have male friends. One of them may be perfect for you.

Maybe sign up for a reputable online dating site (eharmony or mysinglefriend) but 100% do not focus on this as the main source of meeting men. Treat it with healthy sceptism - a bit of a game to distract you and fill up your extra time. An add-on like satnav!!

[CheersMedea]

This was the thread I was thinking of:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2216211-Locations-to-meet-men-like-cricket-matches-but-for-winter-time?

[LoisPuddingLane]

I'm off the online dating at the moment. I've found it very disheartening - people either just want sex or they discard you the minute someone more interesting hoves into view.

I am trying to focus on making new friends but it takes me ages to do it - I'm not exactly socially inept but I'm socially a bit hesitant. I'm trying to pick two or three interests to focus on, like volunteering, writing and zumba, or something.

I'm not desperate to meet a man, by any means. I am desperate to stop falling for the wrong ones though.