Dh not understanding childcare problems GRrr. Just a rant.......

[Northerner]

I work Tues, Weds, and Thursdays. Ds is st school 9am - 12 pm. On my days off I collect him, dh has Tuesday off and he collects him. Weds and Thurs we have childacre issues and I have to give up my lunch hour to go an dcollect ds from school and take him to nursery, a colleague also have to give up her lunch break to take me as I don't drive yet. Dh can't do it as he is a chef and 12pm is his busiest time. Fair enough.

So today dh has a day off in leiu. He decides to go and play golf and expects me and colleague to collect ds as normal. I say he should not play gols and collect ds as he is off. He is pied off with me.

FGS I am at work, it's like me on a Mon/Fri saying I want to go shopping all day and he will ahve to leave work to collect ds. He would think I was barking. I wouldn't do it.

Why do men think they can opt out of parenting to have a 'day off'?

Pies me off no end

[foxinsocks]

yes, I would expect him to have collected ds

have you tried advertising for someone else to take him to nursery? there is a boy in ds's class who does this and the mum found a local granny who was willing to walk the child to nursery for some money each week.

[Northerner]

Haven't thought about that no. Not sure I'd want a stranger to do it tbh, thaks anyway though.

[CheesyFeetcomingtoGETyou]

for you Northerner

If I were you I would play the "I'm going shopping today it's my day off" card and see what he says, even if you don't mean it because of his working hours, then when he complains, say "How come it's OK for you and not for me?".

If he's anything like my dh he sometimes has to see examples of his behaviour directed back at him to understand why it's so fecking annoying.

Good idea about getting someone to do it - the nursery that dd goes to will do a collection from the local school (not sure about lunchtime though when they're just on half days).

[joelallie]

My DH reckons he has a god-given right to time doing what he wants. To the extent that if he has time off it won't occur to him to take up some of the slack for me. Have to say when I suggest it he is usually OK about it but it wouldn't come from him.

[NannyStar]

dont you live in manchester northerner?

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[tissy]

Well I think Northener has a valid point- Dd(4) goes to school full-time, and i pick her up from school when I can- usually Monday, Thursday and Friday. The rest of the time, Dd is picked up by a cm and stays at her house till I finish work. Monday afternoon is supposed to be my half-day i.e. finish work at 12 pm, but becuase i pick up dd from school at 3pm, I usually stay at work till 2.30, as there isn't time to do anything else. Dh works full-timeas well, but also gets a half day a week, but the day can vary. He has to be asked (told)to pick up dd from school on his half day, or it would nver occur to him to offer- he would assume that either me or the cm will do it. So I lose most of my half day every week, dh gets his (unless I nag him)and gets home early, puts his feet up in front of the TV until we get home.

BTW, we pay the cm a basic 3.5 days a week- if she does more we pay extra, if she does less we don't pay less.I think that dh assumes that as we're paying we should use the cm, but dd's face when she sees me at the school door makes the money insignificant, really - she loves the cm, too, just loves me more !

[Northerner]

Yes Dior the system is in place as there is no other alternative, and it means a colleague of mine giving up a lunch break, for which I am eternaly grateful.

However, today there is an alternative, dh is off. I would feel an absolute fraud taking up my friends lunch break to collect ds when dh is on the sodding golf course.

[Northerner]

Sorry Nannystar - no I'm in N Yorks.

[Dior]

Message withdrawn

[WideWebWitch]

I'd be pissed off too northerner, it's HIS child TOO and you have a childcare issue which causes everyone great inconvenience. He has a day off, yes, he should do it. Had you had paid, organised childcare and he had a surprise day off then I think it would have been ok. But in the circs, no.

[EmmyLou]

Hi Northerner - my dh makes the same assumptions. But he does do some stuff, when asked, if he's around (ie: in the country). When does ds start school full time?

[Northerner]

Hi Emmylou! Are you OK?

My ds starts full time in January. It's areal bummer this part time malarky!

[dmo]

wtf?
how come part time till jan?
our primary school start half day 4th sept for one week with dinner included then they are full time

thats so bad most children are now used to being away from parents as they go to nursery etc
cant believe they drag it out till jan

[EmmyLou]

All fine in Emmylouville thanks (dh working abroad at the moment so at least I can lurk and post on MN without him feeling neglected).

Our school does two weeks of mornings and one week afternoons, then full time. Its over quickly, I suppose, but don't know how working parents (woops - nearly typed 'mums' there - that's a bit telling as to who the responsibility falls onto isn't it?) work it out.

I can understand your feeling obligated to your workmate. If it was another mum at the school gates then you might have a chance to redress the balance and return favours. This sort of debt balancing seems to be one that women do all the negotiating over too. Are there any men that make all the childcare arrangements out there?

Should have a Harrogate meet-up soon eh?

[Bozza]

I think he is a bit out of order. It is only a few minutes out of the day - yes unfortunately right in the middle! He could arrange his golf for either before or after. In fact, if he arranged an early morning time he could collect DS at 12 and spend the afternoon with him.

[Northerner]

dmo - it's the only primary school in this town that has this kind of admission policy for every child with birthdays after 31 march.

Emmylou - a meetup would be great. What days are good for you?

[Crotchety]

Yes - are there any men out there who make childcare arrangements?? At our school the older children in Year R go for afternoons only until Christmas and the younger ones go morning only until Easter. So there's only a full class for the summer term. Fortunately I've only got to drive to and from school 3 times a day for one term, not two...(have older son there as well)

[tribpot]

Wow - can definitely see your point of view. If a friend/colleague was doing me such a huge favour I would MORTIFIED if she ever found out that on this occasion the child's father could simply have obliged by doing what he should have done, i.e. putting his child first on his day off.

To play devil's advocate slightly though, isn't golf one of those things that takes an absolute age, i.e. you would want to start at 10 in order to be done by 2? (Seriously, I have no idea, but maybe it is?)

I am totally clutching at straws, but was this a one-off, was there some other explanation like not being able to get on the golf-thing (green?) except at a certain time, is this occasional rather than habitual?

[cece]

I agree with you northerner and would have expected DH to collect DS from school...

However, I am not surprised at this type of story. IME men don't seem to compute child care issues into their thougth process very often!

[Judy1234]

You need to follow the Cheesyf approach. On Saturday or some day he's around you go off for the equivalent of the golf time. It's only by putting your own needs first sometimes you can get the right balance in most relationships and the hardest thing can be ending up moaning baout something but not thinking of the clever answer (if there is one) to solve the issue. He probably just thought there was an existing arrangement that worked rather than an embarrassing difficult favour done every time the lift is needed.

We have used people to take and collect children from school and it can work okay. Someone picks mine up from school and has them here at my house until 6.30 every day and it's not a stranger because after a time they get to know that person well.

[EmmyLou]

I think Xenia has hit the nail on the head - womens' lives seem to be full of those "embarrasing difficult favours" which men mistake for existing childcare "arrangements". Life with kids has a far more subtle ebb and flow of favour debts. Its not as cut and dried as the life of work. (Hmm, paid work....I do have a faint memory...)

Apology for thread hi-jack: Northerner, Friday afternoon was when we met up in Harrogate last time. Or monday and wednesday mornings are good for me now as DD3 is in playgroup. Should we start a meet up thread?

[Crotchety]

Absolutely EmmyLou. If my mother has picked up from school, taken the boys swimming and got them to bed while I am on a late at work, my husband fails understand why it might be nice to ring her to say if he's going to be late, rather than just assuming she has nothing better to do than stay on until he shows up. Makes me so cross and it makes it harder next time to ask her. Well she always does it, but I always feel awkward and try to ask in a way that shows I am not just taking her for granted. Also feel then I can't ask for merely social occasions as I rely on her so much for the necessaries. It's not as straightforward as just "well can't your mother do it"...