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This is a dead relationship isn't it??

14 replies

FayeFruitLoop · 31/10/2014 19:44

Not sure there is much point anymore.

We were trying to reconcile. Live apart, seperated 4 years but never formally drawn a line between us and had been talking about him moving back in and more kids...

But this evening I send DH a text saying "I need milk" shortly before he arrives round to watch our son while I go out for the evening.

He already knows iv ordered him a takeway and paid for it and that I'm getting ready.

Upon arriving he says: "I want to get this out the way, what did you mean by that text, do you mean I should go and get milk the moment I get here, what have you been doing all day?" And basically shouts in front of our toddler son till I tell him to get out. I said he was embarrassing me by shouting (neighbours block of flats you hear everything)

He did leave... So now I can't go out and just stuck at home brewing, oh and the shops now closed so can't pop out for the milk either.

He just doesn't take responsibility for anything... It's always someone else's fault for the way he behaves (he didn't turn up to his sons birthday because my sister sent him a text, he didn't come to spend Xmas with his son because I asked for his help getting things ready and was annoyed that he went on a piss up instead on Xmas eve...)

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gamerchick · 31/10/2014 19:51

I would say it was from what you've said.. you're both putting off the inevitable.

Maybe it's time to make splitting up formal so you can both move forward

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Quitelikely · 31/10/2014 19:57

I think you could have worded the text slightly nicer. His response IMO was slightly disproportionate. Are you sure he just didn't want you to go out?

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kusmile · 31/10/2014 20:01

Sorry you're in an unhappy situation.

It's difficult to say from your post whether your relationship is dead or not. Do you both want to work things out? Did you ever have what you'd consider a good relationship, one that you'd like to work back to.

From your post it looks like you both have communication issues. His response to your text was aggressive, and he shouldn't yell in front of the toddler. However, your text looks really abrupt. I'd be taken aback to get that kind of message from a partner - it looks like a demand, 'get me milk'. It looks like you're both looking for opportunities to get angry at each other.

If you both want to work things out, then there probably is hope, but you both need to work on your communication and stop blaming each other, probably with the help of some marriage counselling. If you're never happy with him, it probably is time to split up for good.

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EllaFitzgerald · 31/10/2014 20:05

It may have been a slightly abrupt way of asking him to pick up some milk on the way round, but if you've got to the stage where an argument erupts because you've asked him to pick something up for you, then I think you're flogging a dead horse.

Why did you start trying to reconcile? Was it because he was making an effort or because you didn't have to live with it, so it didn't seem as bad?

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FayeFruitLoop · 31/10/2014 20:05

I think it's probably time. It's hard to let go of the dreams we had I think eg more kids and perhaps we are clinging on in hope when there's little point trying to do it together

I could have worded the text nicer... It was a tag on text I sent a moment after the text saying I had ordered him takeaway so I didn't really think it would be read as more than an afterthought on that text iyswim

Maybe he didn't want me to go out... But since he walked out, he's gone on numerous drinking sessions, this was my first ever. Iv been out 3 times (without toddler)... Twice to church and this once was meant to be a drink with friends. It was long overdue for my turn

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trackrBird · 31/10/2014 20:07

Yes, that is a dead relationship.
Your text looks peremptory, but given your last para, it seems he doesn't take responsibility for his behaviour, and gets in a huff over trivia.
Time to cut loose from him.

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FayeFruitLoop · 31/10/2014 20:11

We started trying to reconcile mainly because we both couldn't let go I think. I definitely think we're both scared of what it means to be over for good.

When we first got together and the first year of marriage it was great... Then I had severe PND and we fell apart ever since really if I'm honest. He also has MH issues which I won't disclose but often play a part in his behaviour I guess so there's a lot of pressure from all sides

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Drumdrum60 · 31/10/2014 20:29

Nothing wrong with text if you're in a relationship. I just would assume you were busy with dc and getting ready so texted in haste so don't I wouldn't worry about that. Perhaps now know you can't assume this with him and change your communication style.

Sounds like he didn't want you to go out. Maybe he wanted too. Sounds really mean. I would be furious.

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Drumdrum60 · 31/10/2014 20:33

Well if he has MH issues you can't take anything for granted with him. He sounds emotionally immature but I know this is of no help. He sounds very unpredictable and insecure.