DH sleeps on sofa due to newborn

[LittleMissRayofHope]

Background: 6 week old DS, 2.3 yr dd. Dd is teething with molars. DS has reflux and were EBF.
2 weeks ago dd had bad teething pain and was waking in the middle of the night. DH would take her to living room as she was unable to settle and let her play or watch tv. But she to her pain (and probably some feelings due to recent upheaval with DS arriving) she would be naughty and misbehave and wouldn't let DH doze on sofa. He decided she wasn't teething but was waking and being naughty entirely on purpose with the goal of annoying him and making him tired. This of course can't be true... She can't wake herself up to annoy daddy.
Anyway, we had a huge row as he was yelling at her for being naughty and he scared her, made her cry and was generally out of order to her and me.
Arguement resulted in me getting this text 'I'm tired. He wakes me up when he cries and she then won't let me sleep so I'm going to sleep on the sofa until things get better' and that was 2 weeks ago.

Right, he works full time and I'm SAHM. So I'm fine with him needing his sleep and if the only way to get that is to sleep on sofa then ok, from that point of view I can understand.
But I hate it. I hate the way it was done.
There was no conversation at all. Just informed me in a grumpy angry way.
I am struggling to deal with DS. Most nights I'm lucky to get 4/5 hours sleep. Then I have to deal with DS and dd all day. DS is, of course, wide awake during DD's bap so I don't get to nap at all.
Dd is being very naughty and the day is filled with constant battles and tantrums. Tantrums might happen because I've gone to the toilet and she doesn't want me to.... It is attention seeking.

But then DH comes home and wants to relax. So I've still got to cope with 2 tiny kids cos he's been at work all day. Then when they are both asleep he sleeps soundly on the sofa and I'm up all night with DS.
I resent him. We made the joint decision to have a second child. Why is it now all my reaponsability?

Further to this. My mum stayed over last night and DH had to sleep in bed with me. He made it painstakingly obvious how annoyed he was by this. And when we went to bed he faced away and didn't even say goodnight. No cuddle, no kiss, no intimacy at all.
I had been quite looking forward to it as I thought we might just get to fall asleep together. But he was clearly not interested in even any physical contact.
Which has just made me feel so rejected.
His excuses for aleeping on the sofa over the last 2 weeks have been:

• so he can sleep as it's more important for him to sleep then me as I don't work
  
• so I have space to deal with DS
  
• incase dd wakes then he is already set up in living room
  

It just feels to me that he doesn't want to sleep beside me.
He huffed and puffed each time DS woke up during the night - which was only 3 times - and I did feel immense pressure to keep DS quiet. DH is a non communicator so he will simply stonewall for. Day or 2 now saying he's tired and refusing to talk about anything. If I try to make him talk he will yell and say I have started a row.
He does help out at home. Cooks, cleans, washes up tidies up etc. But he does it all in a huffy way and also says he is doing it 'to help you as you obviously need some help with this stuff right now' which also makes me feel inadequate and pissed off cos these aren't MY things to do to be 'helped' with.
I suggested that either Friday or Saturday night he has DS and brigs him to me for feeds and then takes him away again... But so far this hasn't happened and the suggestion was not met with a happy response.

I don't know what I'm asking. I feel this isn't normal and possibly indicative of deeper issues. I feel rejected and unwanted. I feel resent towards him but I also feel that he resents me and DS a bit. I feel he liked the status quo before DS and isn't adjusting. I'm doing all the hard work and he's getting off scot free.
Thanks for reading, I know it's epic long

[LittleMissRayofHope]

Just to clarify - I'm not co sleeping with DS so I'm not sure what the 'space' is that I need

[Cric]

I don't have any advice but I didn't want to ignore you. It sounds like your husband is being an idiot. He decided to have another baby with you and damn well know that newborn = lack of sleep (esp as this is number 2). I just wanted to say you have every right to be pissed off. I hope someone comes along with some great advice soon.

[Thumbscrewswitch]

He's an arse.

[1FluffyJumper]

I'd say you'd be well justified for giving him the kids for a few hours when he gets in from work so you can get some sleep. If he doesn't see what you do as work, would he happy to pay someone else to do it (as work) so you can go back to 'work?'

[aliciagardner]

Sounds like your husband is being a bit of an idiot. However - it's so, so hard in those early newborn days where you're both just ridiculously tired. I say that not to excuse his behaviour, but to explain why I think that you should not start thinking the worst about your relationship right now.

He should step up and help a bit more I think. But my advice is not to try to discuss when you're both knackered. If there is a time in the next few days when you have had a bit more sleep, then raise it in as much of a non confrontational way as you can. The clock change will not have helped either - I'm more tired than normal because my kids are waking an hour earlier still, and are totally wiped out on an evening too which makes it hard!

[Monathevampire1]

Your DH is being a passive aggressive knob. He doesn't want to communicate but he needs to. He needs to decide if he wants to be part of the family and actually pull his weight.

[LittleMissRayofHope]

He was definitely happier about things when I was working part time after dd. But part of that was that he looked after her one day. And of corse they spent the whole day playing and doing fun stuff. He might do the washing up but he wasn't soing washing, drying, sweeping mopping, hoovering, putting clothes away, shopping cooking, meal planning, etx etc.
So he assumed I did the same and has made numerous comments about 'how easy you have it staying at home all day'.
So he probably doesn't really see it as work, but he also wouldn't be prepared to pay out the amount of money FT childcare would cost.
I think he's torn between wanting me to work and wanting me to be SAHM.

[Fairylea]

He's being ridiculous. He needs to help more and quite frankly, he needs to grow up.

[Handywoman]

How awful OP. I think your gut feeling is right: the way your DH is behaving is inducative of deeper issues.

Sod having a conversation when you are not so tired: that will be months away!

Tell him to sort his lame attitude out. Be part of a family or fuck off.

Don't do what I did and wait 10 years (I told my stbxh to fuck off on the end).

OP.

[Fairylea]

Also - I have a 2.4 year old and he is being entirely unreasonable to expect a toddler (who is in pain as well) to amuse themselves so he can sleep. That is totally wrong. If they are awake and need attention then that's what you do. It's just part of parenting.

When we had sleepless nights dh would take the baby for the early part of the evening so I could go to bed and would then bring ds up to me and I would take over so we both got proper blocks of sleep. It's not fair to leave them both to you. He's treating the house like a hotel.

[LittleMissRayofHope]

He has a couple of times had DS while I sleep. At like 10pm til midnight when he decides to be awake but that's ony cos DH is up watching tv or something. Other times if I've gone to bed and he's gone to bed and DS then wakes I'm up on my own in the bedroom with no help. It all feels very one sided.

This morning he is taking the oppourtunity to have a 'lie in' in the bed as he never gets to do that anymore.... Me either!!

[1FluffyJumper]

Tell him things just aren't working then present him with a range of options that you would be happy with, eg;

1. He moves out, continues to let u be a single parent and pays accordingly,
   
2. You go back to work full time, and show a list of what his house and child are duties would be
   
3. You work part time and show him a slightly shorter list of what his duties would be
   
4. Etc etc

[Meerka]

^He might do the washing up but he wasn't soing washing, drying, sweeping mopping, hoovering, putting clothes away, shopping cooking, meal planning, etx etc.
So he assumed I did the same and has made numerous comments about 'how easy you have it staying at home all day'.^

I'm afraid he's an idiot. And that was only with one daughter, not a newborn as well.

You've got a 1950's man there and he needs a kick up the arse. You need support.

I know it's hurting you but let him sleep on the sofa and don't welcome him back to bed. He really is being a twat.

[1FluffyJumper]

Child*care!

[evertonmint]

DH and I are sleeping separately at the moment as we have 4mo DC3 who still feeds 3 times a night. In return for getting a less broken night's sleep DH deals with the older 2 if they have any night needs (and one is currently in a bed wetting phase so it's not an empty promise - he does have parenting to do at night!)

It's not ideal and is similar to your set-up (at least your DH is ready to deal with your DD at night) but the difference is in attitude:

1. DH cooks dinner and fetches breakfast - just made me a much-needed fry up before he went to work.
   
2. he doesn't really complain when he is up with the other 2 as he knows I have it worse (he's learned to keep quiet when he's tired!)
   
3. he cooks most nights, does all the menu planning and shopping, stays up after I go to bed to finish the clearing up
   
4. he does the tidying and other jobs without any mention of doing me a favour etc. as it isn't a favour, just a job that needs doing by someone and he's better equipped to do it at the moment.
   
   He occasionally is a bit insensitive about it (harumphed at the weekend when we had to share a room due to visitors and the baby was awake a bit) but then redeems himself - at 5.30 this morning while suffering with a cold he heard me crying after the baby had been awake for 2 hours and just came and sat with me and cuddled the baby so I wouldn't be alone and miserable in the dark any longer.
   
   It's a hard, hard phase and if one of you gets more sleep than the other it is very easy to resent them. The better-sleeping partner needs to be more sensitive. Sounds like yours is pulling his weight which is more than some fathers - prepared to deal with DD at night, is doing household stuff - but isn't being as sensitive about it as he should as he keeps mentioning it. He needs to carry on doing, but stop chuntering on about it basically!
   
   You will get through this. It's hard. You have my sympathy, and my empathy!

[lemonpuffbiscuit]

He has got her into a very bad routine by allowing her to get up and play in the lounge during the night and you are all paying for it now. He has in effect set you up and is now leaving you to deal with all the shit.

Instead when toddler woke, he should have tucked her back up in her bed, calpoled her, given her a chilly teething thing to chew, given her a big hug and then either sat in the darkness with her for a short while or slept next to her on the floor in her bedroom

Once she's back to normal and sleeping through I think it would be a great idea for him to deal with the baby Friday and Saturday nights.

As it stands you could have one lie in each at the weekends anyway.

What must be really upsetting for you is that he has got your DD into an awful routine and is leaving you to deal with all the fall out. Yet he really only cares about his own needs and your needs don't matter. He thinks his needs are far more important because he works.

Personally unless he is driving long distances for his job or driving dangerous machinery, a bit of sleep deprivation is ok

[milkwasabadchoice]

I absolutely sympathise OP. He is making everything more difficult, for both of you, ultimately, by being selfish and sulky. The bit about shouting at your toddler for not letting him sleep is quite telling - he wants dd to put his needs first, which is absurd and childish.

So what to do? A frank and calm explanation of the way his behaviour makes you feel (rejected, angry, unloved etc), plus the fact that you love him and do want to cuddle etc. A written list of all the things you do every day that aren't just "playing with te kids". A calm and unequivocal explanation that everyday life is going to be, for a long time to come, a relentless conveyor belt of chores and that you cannot escape that fact, you can only pull together to get through it (vividly remember the shocked look on my DH's face when I told him that in black and white one day). And then you ask him how he thinks he can make life better, easier and more harmonious. What can HE do to improve family life?

Lastly "he doesn't know if he wants you to work or be a sahm". What do you want? That's the more important point.

Good luck. Lack of sleep and sleep-envy is an utter bastard in the best of marriages.

[batteryhen]

If your Dh believes you do nothing during the day then that is what I would do. Nothing for him. No washing for him or cooking. I would on line shop and hire a cleaner which he can pay for. In the short term can you get dd into a nursery one day a week- which he can pay for? Might just give you a break. I have a 2.2 ds and am 17 weeks pregnant. If my Dh behaves like this when we have a new born he will feel my boot up his arse. Sorry you are having a crap time :)

[lemonpuffbiscuit]

Routine lack of sleep makes it very hard to cope and be cheerful. Low mood can fall into PND

[batteryhen]

Obviously meant :(

[lemonpuffbiscuit]

Sleeping on the sofa and allowing DD to play is very silly. He's being selfish and thinking of his own needs. He is making no effort in supporting your DD to get back to sleep in her room. He is enabling her to get into a routine of playing in the night.

[mariposaazul]

I think this is all down to tiredness & dealing with 2 small kids - (& think how yr set up will sound quite luxurious to single parents!) If yr toddler is waking in the night it sounds like it's time to give up the daytime naps or if you continue at least synchronise them with when the baby sleeps so that you can get some rest.

[LittleMissRayofHope]

He refuses to let her cry in her bed because he doesn't think it's fair on the neighbours. I don't think it's fair on us to have many many years of bad sleep habits (which will also be learnt by DS) because he doesn't want her to cry for 2/3 nights til she learns.
I sleep trained her months ago and she had to scream and cry and no one complained.
We live in an old tower block. The type made out of solid concrete. If they do hear her at all, it will be muffled but I personally believe this is a cover story cos he doesn't want to deal with sleep training.

He is prepared to deal with dd at night. Technically. But he does it with such bad grace and then the fall out is he is grumpy and moody for at least 24 hours 'cos I didn't sleep well' sometimes 48 hours...

[Fairylea]

Surely there's a middle ground between getting her up to play and allowing her to scream for ages? Surely he can stay in the room with her, lights off, no talking and just calmly settle her back to sleep giving her a cuddle and putting her back to bed? Would that be met by hours of crying?

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Dh slept in a different room for a while. The difference was he woke early (4.30ish) when ds wouldn't go back to sleep and took him downstairs so I could get a few hours sleep before ds needed another feed and dh needed to go to work. He also made it clear that he hated being in a different room and would much rather be together but this way we both got some sleep. In the end we both decided to cosleep. Dh came back into bed and we all slept better. When ds was a little less dependent and slept better he went back into his moses basket. It was hard at times, and of course we argued. Sometimes he was selfish. But he always knew when he had been (i made sure i bloody told him) and he made amends, changed, adapted, gave me a break, took ds more at weekends so i could catch up on sleep, did lots of housework etc. Your husband does need to wake up and start supporting you better. I can only imagine how hard it is with a baby AND a toddler.