Relationship counselling - how many tries would you give it?

[TonightMathew]

DH and I have been together for decades but, if I'm honest, there's not a lot of love left. We went for counselling at the beginning of last year, which helped but, since then, we've slipped back into the same shitty vicious circle. (Not helped by the fact that, whilst having counselling for a separate issue, his 'new' counsellor told him that our original couples counsellor had broken every counselling rule by apportioning blame, and had misdiagnosed the cause of our underlying problems. Quite how this woman could make such a statement without ever meeting me or hearing my side of the story is beyond me, but she certainly hasn't helped our marriage. Maybe counsellors are like hairdressers - they have to slag off your previous one?)

Anyway, we seem to scuttle along from one argument to the next, interspersed with some ok times where we try and behave like everything is fine. There is so much baggage that keeps cropping up; we manage to ignore it for a while and then, in minutes and usually sparked by some pathetic argument, we can be back to our hateful selves. We have suffered and, supposedly survived, a huge amount of stress since we became parents six years ago - but I seem to spend half my life wondering if we would be better off apart and whether the only thing stopping me pulling the plug is fear of the unknown.

We have spent half our lives together and I would love for someone to wave a magic wand and for everything to be magical again - but I don't know if that is possible. Neither of us want to waste more time like this - God forbid that another decade goes by and we're still in this same place - but how do we stop this vicious circle? Is there a way out (would it be worth finding a new counsellor?) or has it got to the point where we should just accept that we are no longer any good together?

If you've been in a similar situation I'd appreciate your thoughts.
BTW, I'm no troll - just DH knows my nickname and my seeking advice on here would go down like a lead balloon.

[expatinscotland]

In your case, I'd give it A LOT of chances.

Also, I'm going to recommend a book that helped my parents' 42-year-marriage.

'I Love You, but I'm Not In Love with You'.

[expatinscotland]

I would DEFFO find a new counsellor, b/c I second what your husband's said, NO blaming.

[horribleisntit]

you could be me, we haven't tried counselling (yet) but the rest is all too familiar

sorry, nothing helpful to say but I wish you good luck

[TonightMathew]

Thanks. Can understand the no blame part - but how do you get around that one if someone has been being a complete arse - to the point where pretty much everyone they know thinks as much? Our couples counsellor didn't turn around and say "you are an arse" - but that first lot of counselling did give me the courage to turn around and say it in a way that made him listen. We both took all that we learnt in that time on board - but now I feel that any good has been undone.

[TonightMathew]

Bump

[murielheslop]

Hi - we've just started counselling, well gone for the initial assessment at Relate. To be honest, I don't know how long I'll give it. We've also experienced a lot of stress since becoming parents, so I find it so hard to separate out would we have been in this position without the stress, or has the stress/grief made our marriage really difficult, and we would be doing OK if we hadn't been thrown the curveball.
I'm trying to be philosophical and say 'what will be will be', but meanwhile keep plodding away at the counselling (if that makes any sense at all?)
Agree with all of the others r.e. finding another counsellor. It has to be someone who works for both of you, and maybe has some empathy for whatever stress you've experienced. Hope things get better for you.
I'm not a troll btw.

[Murphee]

TMat, I am a counsellor who has had couples counselling and is now getting divorced!!!!! I guess that probably qualifies me only to be completely ignored/scoffed at. IMO your original couples person should not apportion blame but if it is in the room should guide the two of you. If your DH's new counsellor did run down the couples person (?) then she/he must have done it taking the risk it would get back to you therefore the new counsellor is inflaming the situation, however, has it come back you to with DH's spin on it? You both need to feel pleased with the couples person you see, if not ditch them and start again. I sacked our first couples person and as time has gone on I wish I had done it sooner. Our second one was respected and liked by both of us and I really value the time/money we spent with him. To get back to the original question, if by session 4 you are not really engaged by the person - move on. Hope this helps.

[TonightMathew]

Thanks for all your replies so far.

Point is, he was happy with initial counsellor - well, seemed to be and things were much better - until, a year later, a different counsellor put a different schpiel on things.

But, then again, that's not the point really. Doesn't matter which counsellor said what - point is we keep falling into the same traps.

As for my original question, I appreciate that it can take a while to find the right counsellor, but what if you seem to find that person and things improve greatly only to disintegrate with time? I suppose what I'm trying to ask is, if counselling doesn't succeed in the long term do you try, try again with a new counsellor?

[SherlockLGJ]

Ok leaving counselling aside, what do you really really want ??

How much of this is tied into the other issue ?

[bambi06]

does counselling really work or just make matters worse
?! we`ve gon eover this idea a few times recently but never ever got round to it and i wonder whether bringing up all this blame and hostility will make it work or make it worse?

[TonightMathew]

I'd like to roll back the clock to a time where we adored each other - but don't know if that's truly possible anymore.

[Cassoulet]

We went to couple counselling for 2 years and would probably have carried on for longer if we hadn't moved out of the area. Our counsellor didn't apportion blame, but she did say a few things (but it's none of your business, for instance, when dh was complaining about the temperature of my bathwater!) which helped him to see that he wasn't exactly the utterly rational & reasonable human being that he thought he was - he had expected her to say I was off my trolley and he was perfect!

In your case I would say that you've both been together for a long time and you should expect change to take a long time. Try again. It is worth it.

[SherlockLGJ]

But surely most relationships go through phases like that ??

DH and I are going away next weekend to a wedding, looking forward to it immensely, we will be able to hold hands and talk without interruption. I will probably remember why I married him.

Don't underestimate the "damage" a five year old can do, not real damage but just no time for both of you together. When was the last time you had a conversation with DS around without him interrupting ? It gets very wearing.

I love my DH dearly, but sometimes couples just get bogged down in the minuate of life.

The argument thing can become learned/acceptable behaviour and becomes a cycle without you realising it.

Could you get your DS minded even for one night ??

Not going to read this back, just going to post.

[SherlockLGJ]

Right I am off to have a bath, will check back in before bed to check you are ok.