Fed up with PILs and DD1

[Allhallowspeeve]

Two separate issues, maybe long winded (sorry)

Firstly dd1 - I'm really ready for her to leave home . She is 19 and actively looking for an apartment with her bf. I had her when I was 16 and raised her by myself. As I was very Young and growing up myself I probably made a few mistakes along the way. I think one of those mistakes was giving her too much say in our home so it kind of feels on some level she thinks she is one of my peers.
I did my best to get her in a great schools and give her every thing I could afford. She wanted for nothing.

Friends and family tell me how well I've done, she is a credit, wish their kids were so well behaved and in that sense I'm very lucky - I'm immensely proud of her.

The issue is although we get on great when all is well but when there is an issue (when I'm doing what she wants)she has no respect for me at all. Throw away comments, looking at me as if I'm a piece of shit, getting annoyed when I say "pardon ? I didn't hear you." It feels as though she thinks she is in control of the house.
Last night we were watching a film, her bf rang she started talking loudly, I asked her to take the call in her room or kitchen as the telly was already on low as dd2 is a very light sleeper . It blew up, I was trying to talk quietly to her but she started shouting knowing dd2 could wake up and I'd keep quiet. She has started getting involved in discussions me and dp have. Dp is not her dad. I'm fed up with it. I've babied her waaaay too much. Always over compensating because her dad wasn't in the picture. Talking calmly on a separate occasion doesn't help. Tried it. She just looks at me as if I'm an idiot and says I'm patronising her. I love her to bits but I don't want to live with her anymore unless she can show respect or at least pretend it! I would like advice on how to deal with It. Should I put up and shut up till she goes OR put my foot down now and how? with out strangling her

2) issue PILs - they have devorced. But both have taken to calling in EVERY FUCKING NIGHT. Mil will call in from 4-7 and after saying for at least an hour of ' I better go in a minuet' then FIL will rock up about 7 till 8,9,10 most nights he eats with us (he is NOT short of cash) I'm sick off it. Sometimes on a weekend they will both be sat here with mil throwing little grinades of spite or sly digs.

Dp bless him has had it in the ear tonight. I actually mentioned to mil that we were having a night in as we hadn't had the house to our self all week and he started melting as she was giving him the snake eye and wimped out. His dad has just rang saying he has just finished work , couldn't see dp car in drive where was he?? I explained he was out getting take away , he cheerily said 'ok see you in a short while!!'



I'm clutching wine - I have bad endo pain. I'm fucking fed up!

All suggestion welcome!!

[Allhallowspeeve]

Wow! Did realise it was that long! Blue peter badge if you managed it!!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think falling out with DCs at the age your DD is at is just nature's way of telling everyone it's time to get their own place. So don't soft-pedal. Insist on better behaviour, be consistent,keep the pressure up and make independent living seem like a terrific idea.

Similar applies to PILs. You're not obliged to nurse maid them. Listen, be sympathetic and then call time.

[Allhallowspeeve]

As aways cog the voice of reason - just getting fed up with the power struggle. Last nights shouting while baby was a sleep pissed me off no end as she knew she had me over a barrel.

Pils - it's just getting the bollocks to say something that they don't take offence at.

[Nanny0gg]

PiLs - start off nice and if it doesn't work, be firm. If they take offence then so be it. Or suggest that your DP goes and sees them and he can decide when to leave. They are clearly lonely but that's not your problem to solve.

Suggest to your DD that she either respects you in your home or she can find temporary accommodation till she sorts out her new home.

[Allhallowspeeve]

Dp can't really visit them as they are both living at friends ti they get sorted . FIL is a lot easier to drop hints to eg I'm tired going bed soon dad. Mil on other hand is different kettle of fish . It would be strops and tears and storming out.

Dd I'm going to start being stronger with her. I need to.

[Quitelikely]

Tell your dd that while you love her very much that you will not tolerate being spoken to in the way she talks to you. Explain that you are her mother, not her verbal punch bag. Explain in your home you say what goes and if she doesn't like it then she better hurry up with her own place. She has a distinct lack of respect for you and it's not on. Tell her you wouldn't accept it from anybody else and your not going to accept it from her.

[ElsieMc]

PIL's need telling. They are clinging on to their former life and need to move on. They are not your responsibility and your DP needs to sort this out.

Your DD is another matter. It is absolutely nothing you have done I promise you. My DD2 was exactly like this with me, even my swallowing when having a drink annoyed her, searching for my glasses annoyed her. It was time for her to move on and it is just two adult women getting on each other's nerves. She also spoke to me in the way you describe and I sometimes felt I was treading on egg shells in my own home. Sometimes the unkind way she spoke to me brought tears to my eyes.

This will sort itself out when she moves out and you will be friends again. You have done a great job, she needs her mum but you have done nothing wrong!

[Allhallowspeeve]

quite I really wouldn't take it off anybody else. That why I'm so frustrated but your right .

Yes elsie that it! Glad you can resonate xx

[DeckSwabber]

I wonder if your DD is feeling a bit overwhelmed with the baby taking up so much of your time and the in-laws taking up every evening. Its your house but its her home too.

Not to excuse bad behaviour.

I think its your partner who needs to deal with the in-laws. Is he an only child?

[2rebecca]

To the inlaws "sorry but you coming round all the time isn't giving me time to get on with stuff, you are both doing it and I'm not getting any time to myself. Can we just arrange in advance when to meet rather than you coming round every night. I think you need to look at finding stuff to do with your evenings now you are separated that don't involve us"
It will upset them but the current arrangement is upsetting you. You are not their entertainment, they need to learn to entertain themselves/ develop hobbies etc. You have to think that in the long term it is better for everyone for them to be more self reliant even if they whinge in the short term.