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Relationships

Setting Boundaries for DH's XW

106 replies

MummaMichelle · 25/10/2014 13:26

My DH has a young child with his ex. She repartnered years ago and lives with her new man. Because of the child. they have regular contact. Both she and her family are very disrespectful to DH who is a wonderful father.

The ex calls DH during the business day (he works for himself) to ask him advice on various things. She is sarcastic and not grateful for his advice. I do not even call DH during the business day as I know he will unlikely take my call. He seems to take all of hers however.

The ex once called DH at midnight while I was away and demanded that DH come and collect the child in the morning as she could not take care of the child for several days due to some personal issue. She was reportedly frantic. Then she hung up. And would not answer DHs calls and only responded via text when he said he was coming over to get the child now She said the child was sleeping and that she would call him in the morning, which she never did and only responded telling him not to come over. She has never said what the problem was and would not take his calls for days. This caused us both distress as we did not know what environment the child was in.

She sends texts saying she may need to go to hospital and he may need to take the child. When he responds what is the problem, she gets all petulant and says what do you care. When DH did not respond to this she goaded him, with "SUP" and other rubbish later in the evening. Her obvious attention seeking and controlling behaviour makes me angry. I am also disappointed that she seems to get all of her calls and text messages answered in a timely manner.

I have proposed to DH that he should only correspond to his ex via email unless there is an urgent issue.

Is it unreasonable for me to ask him to send her an email telling her to not to call during the business day unless it is an urgent matter related to the child and that furthermore he would like to keep the relationship to a co-parenting one, rather than allow her to use up his time and get him agitated with her abusive manner.

I would like to see email as the main communication as it is durable in case of issues down the track and also there is less likely to be the back and forth that makes me feel like fifth wheel.

It is unreasonable that she be told to stop charging items to his credit card for the child and rather submit an invoice at the end of the month with receipts? The whole back and forth of her calling to say she charged $40 for this or that without consulting him annoys me for some reason. I just do not want to hear from her.

Does anyone have any experience in successfully taming an ex who is attention seeking, greedy, needy, vain and abusive?

OP posts:
AlpacaMyBags · 25/10/2014 13:30

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BrucieTheShark · 25/10/2014 13:30

Oh dear. 'Taming an ex'

Sounds an awful lot like you need to keep your beak out.

Leave the finances to him. Leave the contact arrangements to him.

If you're pissed off he doesn't answer your calls/texts then deal with that separately.

Chaseface · 25/10/2014 13:32

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Squidstirfry · 25/10/2014 13:51

You need to leave out of it really, and accept that the mother if his child comes with him as a 'package'
I would be mightily peeved if my new dp thought they could dictate to me how i contact my ex.
If he seems to put his ex before you every time, you need to talk to him about that rather than insist arbitrary demands.

Squidstirfry · 25/10/2014 13:52

Mother of his child...

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 25/10/2014 13:54

The problem is your husband, I am afraid.

Mum4Fergus · 25/10/2014 14:03

I don't think you have any say to be honest. How he manages relationship with mother of his child is his business. If you feel he is not being suitably attentive to you,that's a separate issue for you both to work through ...

paxtecum · 25/10/2014 14:04

I wouldn't want to tell my XH why I may need hospital treatment.
The XW medical condition is none of his or your business.

Maybe he takes her calls because there may be an urgent problem with the child.

I don't understand the credit card thing.
Does he not pay her maintenance?
Why does she have a credit card that your DH pays?

How old is the DS?

MummaMichelle · 25/10/2014 14:12

In regards to the credit card. It is his card. He pays maintenance. He pays for all extras but when something comes up, like the child needs a uniform, she just puts it on his credit card, then calls him and tells him. But it happens quite a bit.

OP posts:
Quitelikely · 25/10/2014 14:17

Sounds like habit.

What did he say when you asked for email only communication?

MummaMichelle · 25/10/2014 14:18

These phone calls and texts from her agitate him. I hate hearing the way she talks to him.

In regards to asking her what the problem was, it was to ascertain how long the confinement might be. Her petulant reply of "why do you care?" and then goading texts for the rest of the evening ruined what should have been a pleasant night for us.

She sends him texts that say "I (meaning her) am a piece of shit" nd other startling inappropriate things. I don't like to see him agitated by this. Because he doesn't know what sort of environment the child is in at those moments in time.

OP posts:
MummaMichelle · 25/10/2014 14:19

I haven't asked him yet. I just sort of exploded when he told me he wasted an hour of productive time to give her advice while she sarcastically berated him and treated him like dirt.

OP posts:
MrsDeVere · 25/10/2014 14:25

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MummaMichelle · 25/10/2014 14:28

I'm a little surprised that people think that I should not be able to have a quiet evening with my husband and that people don't seem to think that having a clear email trail of correspondence with her mockery and hints at self harm is of value. I can see that there could be a reasonable chance of court action in the coming years as she becomes more unhappy with the choices she has made.

OP posts:
MummaMichelle · 25/10/2014 14:31

The child is 8. The woman is unbalanced and seems to think that $1600 tyres for her vehicle fall under child expenses because she can't afford them after paying for alcohol, smokes and gambling. DH pays generous child support.

OP posts:
GarlicGhoul · 25/10/2014 14:34

Fair enough, but you need to be discussing this with HIM, not looking to 'tame' an independent adult.

What's his take on it all - both her behaviour and your unease?

MrsDeVere · 25/10/2014 14:35

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MummaMichelle · 25/10/2014 14:43

Yes, I intend to discuss it with him further. How does he feel? Powerless. He has asked me what he should do. I said he should only email her, but he texts everyone. He knows I am unhappy and that stresses him. I have not yet said he should formally tell her that bothering him with crap that is separate from co-parenting is now off limits. He is looking to me for guidance, sort of. I just don't know how hard of a line I should urge him to take.

I do not the text messages that are unrelated to the child coming through like a barrage and I am shocked that people are saying I shouldn't be telling him that is unacceptable.

OP posts:
AlbaGuBrath · 25/10/2014 14:44

You're problem is your husband not his ex wife. He has to decide what he deems as acceptable communication, payments (credit card or other), and last minute child care issues. You, by all means can speak to your husband about it and explain what you would like but ultimately it's not your decision to make.

They both sound like they love the drama of it all though. What a couple of immature adults they sound.

MummaMichelle · 25/10/2014 14:46

The card that she has access to has a $50,000 limit. We consider our money joint. I do not want a coke-snorting drunkard to have access to that. It is a matter of principle.

OP posts:
AlbaGuBrath · 25/10/2014 14:47

Who is named on the credit card account?

HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 25/10/2014 14:47

This poor, poor man. Hounded by his exW and needing guidance by his current wife on where to find his backbone

he sounds like a terribly wet lettuce, OP

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HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 25/10/2014 14:48

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HappyHalloweenMotherFucker · 25/10/2014 14:50

if the exW is such behaving as you describe your H and you should be taking steps to get your stepkid(s) living with you full time

why isn't he doing that instead of pandering to her and leaving his kids at risk ?

AlbaGuBrath · 25/10/2014 14:50

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