Veering wildly....end it or keep trying?

[Sparrowlegs248]

I have posted before. Aged 37, husband 38. Together 13 or so years. Married 18 months. Husband has 'issues'. No idea if actual issues or him being difficult. Bit of both I feel. Brief history.....he has always lived with parents, poor work history. Doesn't like my family (reasonable due to historic differences but should have got over it by now. They have helped us LOT) Doesn't socialist. No real friends. Does a lot with his dad but endlessly criticise him. (they are very similar) gave up work a week after we married, just as i thought life was moving on (been held back during to his la k of employment) he gave up as he has high blood pressure. I have a heart problem and a stressful job. He just doesn't have the same work ethic as me and my family.

He semi hoards. Second bedroom is full of his stuff (magazines cover the floor) dining room half full of boxes, kitchen side covered in bits. Living room had a number of boxes, large pictures stacked. 4 sheds full to bursting (can't access my stuff in one shed) 2 sheds inaccessible due to stuff in front of them. Long list of outstanding jobs in house that my dad builder) would do in an instant. Negative and critical.

But. I love him. And he CAN be great (less and less so these days....)
Was thinking I should lay it all on the line to him and give him the chance to change things. But honestly, I don't think he CAN/Will. Then this morning he tells me he is having nothing more to do with my family.

We have no children (waiting for the right time, never came ongoing due to his lack of work) but have been ttc, not been successful, down to him as it turns out.

[Sparrowlegs248]

Realise I shouldn't be ttc but hoping I did, want a baby with or without him.

[Sparrowlegs248]

Forgot to namechange. Oh well. Meant to say, I feel that every aspect of my life in compromised. We had a little tiff on Tuesday and he's sucked, tonight he has done the usual. He is 'over' it and wants to chat and carry on as usual. I don't.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

This may sound harsh but I think any plan that includes expecting someone who is almost 40 to change personality is doomed from the outset. Either accept him warts and all or reject as wholly incompatible. Don't waste your time on anything in between.

[Sparrowlegs248]

That's really what I have been thinking. But I guess I am held up on the fact that when he's good he is pretty good. Last time i posted under a different name btw.
The good stuff seems to have disappeared though.

[Sparrowlegs248]

I don't mind harsh...I feel like I am rubbish as just making a decision, and even that I can attribute to him. I just don't know how to start. And I worry about him. What Will he do? Go back to parents and live with them forever?

[30somethingm]

Does he work now? What does "poor work history" mean? Never worked, constantly fired, or low pay?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Few people are terrible all the time. If they were the would be no second chances. Optimism is a nice enough personality trait but not if it's keeping you trapped, vainly hoping that he'll improve.

[patronisingbitchinthewardrobe]

Come on, you know you've got to get out of there. If you don't, you'll be hidden behind his 'stuff' for the rest of your life. Get out, go to a sperm bank, get a baby. This is life, you need to live it.

[Sparrowlegs248]

Poor work history - out of the years we have been together I had 18months of pretty rubbish but constant work, 18 months good job working from home well paid, 10 years of current employer, security, pension, working my way up etc. He has had about 4 years employed 'on the books) in 3 jobs. One he list and refused to take their alternative offer (pre mortgage) second he quit for third, third he walked out of after we married. Highly unrealistic expectations of other colleagues. No he isn't working now. Criticise my self employed dad for taking too many jobs on the( he takes every job he can, works evenings and weekends sometimes, but in winter often has little work)

[Sparrowlegs248]

We've just been referred for fertility treatment.

[30somethingm]

Thanks Nottalotta. If you fell pregnant now, do you think he would pull the finger out work-wise and get on with it?

[Sparrowlegs248]

Well, i did think.so once, but then I thought once we had a mortgage he would too. Then he gave up his good job for a crap one (because he can't cope with people) then he gave up the crap one just after we married, and against my wishes
so no, i guess not. He's pretty useless around the house too - has washed up 3 days running because he knows something is up. Otherwise, last nights washing up is left for me to do after work before i cook dinner.

[patronisingbitchinthewardrobe]

So he fills your house with junk, makes a mess, and can't give you a baby.
Sorry to be so harsh (poor lad, I'm not on his side) but what exactly do you need him for?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Again, this is going to sound harsh but if you've decided he's the best/only/nearest candidate and time is running out for a baby, acknowledge the motivation. If he's not going to change (fair assumption) and you don't want to get shot because you want children what you're realistically looking at are ways to manage his bad attitude and bad habits short-term so that things are bearable while you raise a child more or less single-handed. Would that be a fair assessment?

[Joysmum]

You marry the man in front of you, you don't marry in the hope of people changing because their are core elements and attitudes that can't be changed.

I agree with cog, if you're doing this for a baby, acknowledge and accept the fact and stop fighting it but don't expect him to change.

[paxtecum]

Lotta: Don't base your decision on 'What will he do and how will he cope'.

So you go to work, earn the money, come home, wash up last night's dishes and cook the dinner.

He doesn't repair the house.
Does he do the garden?
The washing?
The cleaning?
The shopping?

What does he do all day?

You sound like his carer rather than his wife.

[tippytap]

Haven't you posted about this man before? And were given lots of good advice, inc not to marry this loser?

I agree with PP. He won't change, why would he? This will be your life until you decide otherwise.

[Catzeyess]

If you don't want to break up with him, the only way you are going to force him to buck up is to give him consequences to his bad behaviour.

Kick him out, tell him you want to be with him but he has 6 months to: get a job and keep it, sort out all his junk, learn how to cook and clean properly and see a cbt counsellor (he's got to have issues to work through). It's simple he does that or you are leaving permenantly . Stay firm, and if in six months he has sorted it all out, you know he is capable, and cares enough not to loose you. If nothing has changed/partial half hearted changes you have your answer.

[Sparrowlegs248]

Thanks for your replies. I don't think i posted before we got married. There has always been a certain level of 'stuff' for me to cope with, more than is usual i think. When we married, he had got his act together. Working, paying his way (less than me but I earn more so was happy with that) he had started doing household stuff, shopping washing etc (again less than me but it was a big improvement) then he gave up his job just after we married, against my wishes, and things have declined from there.

I think if he left of his own accord I would be fine with it. I just don't feel i have it in me to make any sort of decision.
We had a big conversation a few months ago where i told him he needed to go to Drs as he clearly has some MH issues. I dpn't even know how it got to be normal again after that, i didn't stand firm i guess.

And i think finding out that he is unlikely to get me pregnant naturally has added to it. It is harsh, its not his fault. But it is his fault that we didn't find out sooner.

I don't know what he does all day. The last few days he has washed up (because he knows i am passed off)

[Sparrowlegs248]

Catzeyes your suggestion is a good one thank you. I don't think he'd do it, he'd go back to his parents and sink into misery. But it would be his choice to not make the effort.

[Anniegetyourgun]

Look, he's been like this for at least 13 years that you know of. Do you really want to keep him cluttering your house up like some large, expensive, exotic pet with messy habits? Rehome him for goodness' sake.

(I think the poster you're thinking about only got married very recently, tippytap - and was a lot more, shall we say, confrontational than the OP here, who sounds ever so nice.)

[Twinklestein]

Rehome him like a very big hamster. I don't think I'd even want his sperm to be honest. If you really want a kid hotfoot to sperm bank. You're going to be a single mother anyway, you might as well be one without a deadbeat dad in the frame.

[Sparrowlegs248]

Thanks Annie

twinkle that's where my thinking has moved onto. I was so keen to get pregnant, and honestly expected it would have happened and I would have to work it out from there. He could be a great dad in the way that he can be great in general, and once upon a time a thought becoming a dad would 'make' him. I've changed my mind in that.

I need to have a talk, and I am cap at communicating this stuff. I've not Bernard home all day. Not helping I know.

[Sparrowlegs248]

Been, not Bernard!