Don't Think I Have Ever Felt So Lonely! Angry! Bored!

[GirlInASwirl]

I am stuck indoors recovering from broken back and with broken foot. I am sooo bored! Depressed. Angry!

My bf has possible Aspergers syndrome (soon to be assessed).

When I recently broke my back - few allowances were made for my condition.

This last fortnight he has spent more time online than looking at/talking with me when he has been at home. I have been left with the devil's share of housework and childcare - no allowances for health. When I have tackled him about it he has pulled out every blame-shifting trick in the book. I find myself silently fuming.

I have raised with him that I am unable to go out of the house at the moment and that I feel lonely and bored - in one ear and out the other it seems.

Tonight he went out with friends (spontaneously -on way home from work) and returned at around 7pm -drunk. Tried to come onto me - and was rebuffed. He is now snoring his head off to the point where we can't share a bed (he has anti-snoring devices on his bedside cabinet). And I am alone again.

I am using my hands to write so that I do not order take - away and comfort eat.

I want to go upstairs and wake him up and give him what for - but I know this will not make anything any better - he scores minimally )e.g 1/2 out of 50 for empathy scores on diagnosis tools.

I just don't know if I can do this anymore. But I feel trapped because my health is not set to improve for at least the next 18 months and I am currently unemployed.

a chat would be nice....

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If you don't want him in your life any more, there's no real benefit to delaying. Even if he is diagnosed with something psychological, he's not going to change. Put him on notice and start making plans for when you're better perhaps? Give yourself something to look foward to.

[GirlInASwirl]

It's going to be a complete life change Cogito - new job taking my disabilities into account, new house (under his roof at moment), becoming a single mum (never been that before). Its going to be a real challenge. I am overwhelmed by the idea to be truthful.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I'm not saying it's an easy transition or that there are no risks attached. But if you have no plan & not even a vision of a better future, it's guaranteed that nothing will happen whatsoever. He'll get his diagnosis and probably carry on behaving exactly as he does now. You'll sink deeper into resentment and frustration.

[GirlInASwirl]

I am trying to just function at the moment (referral to depression). I know that I have to picture a better future and I will get there - I'm just down a dark well at the moment.

I was hoping that in discussing his diagnosis (its 90% + likely that it will be positive - he scores highly for autism/aspergers online) he would get access to someone who could help him to see things from alternative prospectives and then maybe we could have something to work with. But I just do not know if I have the time or energy to do that.

I also need more back (just for myself) from my partner. I'm not sure I can live without so many of my needs not being met and be happy.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He may get help to see things differently or he may point to the diagnosis label as permission to behave exactly the same way. 'It's my DNA. It's just who I am'... etc.

If you're down a dark well, living with someone who makes you feel rejected, ignored & more depressed is not going to help you get out of it. Does he ever spend time away from home? Do you feel better or worse when he's not there?

[StopStalkingMe]

Girl This is not going to go down well with some posters, but I have to say having a relationship with an AS man is very, very, very, very hard. And you will always feel lonely and frustrated.

I was married to one for a miraculous nine years, only because I gave, and understood, and gave and compromised and gave to within an inch of my life. I was a hollow shell of a person by the end of it (when he left me, coz it was too boring being a family man and the kids were my priority, not him)

It was like having a permanent Man-Child. He never grew and evolved and matured like you would expect someone to do over time. You expect them to act like adults and spouses and provide just as much support and input into the relationship as you would, but because of the lack of empathy, it is entirely one-sided.

If you can live with your emotional (and in this case, actually physical) needs never being met, then you will be ok. Otherwise, be prepared to feel lonely all the time.

I'm sure there are lovely AS men out there who might be good partners, but from my experience, it would be an absolute deal-breaker for any future relationship.

[StopStalkingMe]

Also, while they can learn in some ways how to be emotionally responsive (and it depends on their particular position on the scale), it will never be natural. It will always be like having recite your times-tables. A piece of knowledge to regurgitate at the right moment.
Knowing they have to try so hard and remember to think of your needs every now and then is a cold comfort. This is especially true if they only start to get the training as adults.
My hope is that now it is more in the public awareness, that children with AS will get the training and help early on, as children are more adaptable and can learn much better and over time it will be easier for them to grasp.

[GirlInASwirl]

Sorry for the late reply Stop. Thank you for your comments. I think its very difficult to explain the subtleties of a NT/AS relationship if you have never been in one. I am doing a lot of research at the moment as partner has been for his first diagnostic interview - been given heads up that he is very likely aspergic and other assessments coming up.

I wonder sometimes if I am just going to bleed myself dry trying to live with the condition. If I leave the relationship; I want to be of use to someone else (as seems to be your previous dilemma).