how do you choose a councillor?

[DannyShouldHaveChosenRizzo]

I have come to the point in my marriage where I feel that I or we both need to talk to someone outside of the marriage.
How do you go about finding a councillor?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I hate to be pedantic but you need a counsellor (therapist) rather than a councillor (elected official) - when you do a search. Relate is one option. Your GP may be able to suggest others. Good luck

[GoatsDoRoam]

shop around! All counsellors have different styles; try 2 or 3 and go for the one that you feel most comfortable with.

Also, shop around for yourself. If your spouse wants counselling, they will seek it themselves: it's not something you can do for another person.

Unless s/he has agreed to joint counselling?

[DannyShouldHaveChosenRizzo]

Oh gawd, didn't notice my phone had done that!
I have heard that relate are not that good, how do you know if a counsellor is any good? I have no experience so probably wouldn't realise if I had a duff one!

[DannyShouldHaveChosenRizzo]

Cross post there Goats.
Yes he actually suggested counselling, I think I need to go on my own first as I have got myself to the point I am not sure of my own thoughts!
My G.P is next to useless with things like this so is there a 'list' where you find good 'accredited' counsellors?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Whether they're any good will largely depend on how you feel when you meet them and what you want to get out of it. It's a personal relationship based on trust, expertise, compatibility ... there's no one size fits all and the counsellor that is good for someone else may not be good for you.

What has brought you to the point that you think you need one? What has gone wrong with your marriage?

[DannyShouldHaveChosenRizzo]

Good point.
Without going into pages of detail,
My husband lied to me about something fairly minor. I was annoyed and said if he did it again we would be over. He did it again over something different. I asked him to leave, he was sorry etc I took him back, 4 Dcs and having been together since teens and the fact I love him meant I wanted us to be together.
He lied again about something else. I again asked him to leave. This time he says he has had a 'revelation' and thinks he has realised why he lies, he panicks and does it in the misguided thought that he is protecting me. He has always been emotionally withdrawn and now says he has only just realised this. He has cried over how he has behaved and about our situation and in 25 years together I have never seen him cry.
Now I am in the position of loving him but needing to protect myself and our DCs from being hurt again. I think I believe him that he has had some kind of revelation but I couldn't go through this again. I have no idea if even with the best will in the world I would even be able to trust him again.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Mistrust kills relationships quicker than anything else, I think. To me, someone who lies about minor stuff is more of a problem than someone who lies about really huge things where a cover-up may be more understandable. My interpretation of someone in the former category is that lying/secrecy/deceit is their default response.... the 'panicking' he claims. I would be less trusting of a person like that therefore.

Without going into details, what would have happened between you if he had been up front about these minor problems rather than deceitful? What would have been the consequences for him personally? Would you still have been hurt enough to ask him to leave? And I wonder, what does 'emotionally withdrawn' look like in reality? Sulking? Secretive?

If he has truly had a revelation, I think he would be the one here asking where to find a therapist.

[DannyShouldHaveChosenRizzo]

If he had been truthful then we would probably have had a minor disagreement and got on with things, definitely would not have asked him to leave. Consequences for him would have been him 'hurting' me. But I wouldn't have been hurt at all! That is what he thought but not what would have happened.
He is emotionally withdrawn in the fact he doesn't show emotions, never cried, never been one to make shows of affection never really said he loves me. He says that the practical things he does is his way of showing love. He really is a fantastic dad though.
He is a lovely man if only he didn't lie. I didn't know he did until this past year.

[DannyShouldHaveChosenRizzo]

He has been to see his gp about how he feels and mentioned counselling after seeing his gp.
I hadn't thought about it until this point

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

To me it sounds as though the only way he will win back your trust is to engage in the counselling individually as a first step and - very important - put it into practise over a long, long time. I don't know what kinds of things he's been lying about or how minor is minor but, whatever it is, he has to be honest and above board, regularly and consistently. It's going to be a big effort on his part and he'll have to think about things like showing affection and expressing love in the process. That's all part of being emotionally connected ie. thinking how his actions are impacting on others and taking responsibility for their feelings rather than hiding behind lies and hoping they won't notice.

You don't need counselling to deal with mistrust because it isn't a personality defect. It's a natural consequence of being with someone who is untrustworthy.

[whatdoesittake48]

Going on your own is really helpful. That is my experience. I chose someone with relationship experience and someone who had worked with controlling men. She had made me realise that my issues stem fromfearThat has gone and left strength in its place. It hasn't changed my husband just made it much easier to deal with. Don't expect your counseling to change him.
I used to lie about small things too and mostly because I feared consequences. That was from my childhood and relationships. Realising that was a big important step. I don't lie now. I just apologise and get on with it.

[JannerBird]

Google counsellors in your area, perhaps putting 'relationships' into your search too. You should look for counsellors who are registered with the British Association of Counsellors and Psychotherapists (BACP) to ensure that they are properly qualified.

[DannyShouldHaveChosenRizzo]

Thank you all very much.
Even writing this has been helpful and your collective insights have been great.
Cogito thank you especially.