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Relationships

Can you ever go back?

161 replies

BumpyNGrindy · 23/10/2014 22:47

I've NC for this as I'm actually a very level-headed regular on relationships but I seem to be having a rush of blood to the head and need your help

About 10 years ago I met and fell head over heels with a man who became my DP. We were both single when we met. We had, for 7 years, the kind of relationship that used to make friends vomit a bit. Very loving. Very close emotionally. Amazing sex. Never argued (well, very rarely and only silly stuff)

For various reasons (all legit and agreed between us) we never lived together. We both had (older teenage) kids that we full-time parented and big work commitments that prevented that. But we were very much together and often talked about a time when we would grow old together

Then, completely unexpectedly, it turned out there was an OW. In a different city to where we both lived but where he often worked. It was the biggest shock of my life. I ended it immediately and, after the confrontation where I told him I knew, I have not seen or spoken to him for 3 years. It's like we both disappeared out of each other's lives.

Until now

He contacted me and we met for a coffee ( I know, I know!) He is full of remorse, regret and apologies. His relationship with the OW did not last and was not happy. He claims that he realised his mistake very quickly and never stopped loving / missing me. He does not blame me or the OW, only his own selfishness and stupidity which he now regrets. He is begging me for a second chance.

I have never really hated him. Possibly idolised him in his absence. And struggled to ever find a man / relationship who could match up to what we had.

So. My question. Would I be mad to consider it? Can a leopard ever change its spots. Is it possible to go back?

OP posts:
BobbyDazzler1 · 23/10/2014 23:16

Eeeeee that's such a tough one.
Has he had affairs before this? What is his track record on faithfulness?
Do you trust him deep down?
It would be so sad to pass over the love of you life as you get this second chance. BUT worse still would be to let him back in, only for it to happen all over again.
If this is not his first affair, I would tread very carefully.
Some men are perpetual cheats in my experience x

Isabeller · 23/10/2014 23:22

Your question is the wrong tense. You are considering it. Can you live with not trusting him 100%?

If you can you might get the happy ever after or a whole new world of pain.

How difficult, I do wish you loads of luck whatever you decide. Flowers

Stupidhead · 23/10/2014 23:23

He contacted you after three years? If he had made a mistake with the OW and realised quickly then why wait?

I'm all for second chances. Just make sure his story is straight.

winkywinkola · 23/10/2014 23:28

Hmmm.

There was an ow which to me suggests his love for you wasn't as all consuming as your love for him.

It took three years for him to contact you again. So he tried hard with the ow? I bet she binned him.

I'm sorry but he sounds like a chancer to me. He was full of the growing old together talk and was actually shagging someone else.

Now he's back. I would be suspicious , unwelcoming and not bother, personally.

He WILL do it again. But not to you this time.

BumpyNGrindy · 23/10/2014 23:32

The relationship with the OW didn't last long but he says, Stupidhead, that he was nervous of the response he would get if he contacted me. Plus he could see (via mutual friends) me making a new life for myself. My circumstances have recently changed and he saw that as a good time to contact me. To test the water I guess

Bobby, never any kowledge / suspicion of infidelity before I found out about the OW. Nor any history of it before me

Isabeller - that's what's holding me back. The nagging nagging doubt that I can never trust him. That I'll be living on my nerves forever more

Trying to answer you all so as not to drip feed. I have answered so many posts in relationships but it's a different matter to start one yourself and know what to say and how much info to give!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 23/10/2014 23:33

You'd be nuts. It didn't work out so he just thought he'd pick up where he left off? You get to be the fall back? Not very flattering...

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 23/10/2014 23:37

Do you want to be the fall-back girl?

BobbyDazzler1 · 23/10/2014 23:38

The thing is because you've loved him before, you won't be able to dip your toe in and test the water of this relationship. It'll be straight in with your heart - you won't be able to control that. So the stakes are very high for you. You should be cautious.
Do you have a mutual friend that you can confide in? Someone who knows your ex well and will be honest with you?
All the best. It must be very hard to resist I imagine x

BumpyNGrindy · 23/10/2014 23:40

Cognito his realtionship with the OW finished a long time ago. I don't want to give the impression that he's jumped from me to her and back to me in a matter of weeks. This has played out over three years of silence between us. Basically he's been waiting for a long time for me to be single before he felt her could talk to me again.

He says he knows we can't just "start again". That he will have to rebuild my trust and win back my confidence and that this will only happen over a long time. He is basically saying and doing all the things that on Relationships we ask a cheating OH to do if they want to rebuild the marraige - remorse, taking responsibility, a willingness to address their own issues (he has had couselling). It's very confusing!

Thanks all for the input though. I'm so glad I posted now

My head is screaming what Cog said. My heart is not so sure though so all of this really helps

OP posts:
SpanielofDoom · 23/10/2014 23:41

Why has he contacted you now? After 3 years?

SpanielofDoom · 23/10/2014 23:42

Basically he's been waiting for a long time for me to be single before he felt her could talk to me again.

X posted. That seems reasonable enough.

UnwittingAccomplice · 23/10/2014 23:42

I've been in a similar situation. And he was the love of my life. Totally head over heels.

The question I asked myself : would I wonder if it was a pattern, ie something about him that allowed him to do it.

My conclusion : actually he was self-centred enough for it to be a pattern. The way he loved me was different from the way I loved him - he held something back.

I'm glad I left him.

BumpyNGrindy · 23/10/2014 23:45

lonny that is not so much what I'm afraid of TBH. I'm more afraid of being a paranoid, untrusting, wreck! Because that is not my style. Our whole relationship before was based on a really high level of trust and laid backness. I don't want to becaome that anxious person waiting for him to cheat. I can't and won't live like that! And thanks for the kindness!

Bobby you are so spot on it's untrue. I do have one friend I'm talking to. They say - "go for it but with your eyes open"

OP posts:
WonOnBingo · 24/10/2014 00:20

I lost the love of my life. Not to an OW, but more to a mid life crisis "I need to be alone" moment and no, I'd not be able to take him back.

I miss the person who didn't leave me or jump ship when times were hard.
As much as I would love to have back what I once had - I don't think I'd ever have that. I'd have something else entirely. A relationship with a man who'd thought he could do better / be happier without me and then realised through trial and error that he couldn't? Ummm.....

StopStalkingMe · 24/10/2014 01:42

Sounds like he knows you are a sure thing. The fact you said you idolized him a bit when he left you for 3 years??? Really? After he banged another woman and lied to you about it?? Really?

You are the 'time filler/ego booster' until he finds someone more interesting to run off to.

magoria · 24/10/2014 03:22

Your relationship was never based on a high level of trust and laid backness.

It was based on you being very trusting and laid back and him completely abusing your honesty and decency for his own lying deceitful pleasure.

He didn't stumble and accidentally fall on OW he decided to pursue her romantically while coming to you, sleeping with you, looking you in the eye and saying he loved you etc.

How and why would you go there again?

BumpyNGrindy · 24/10/2014 07:02

Perhaps I mean I idealised the relationship, rather than idolised him. And he has not blamed the ow or minimised or said anything other than he is 100% to blame

He claims to regret bitterly what he did and be a changed man.

But the consensus is that that its not possible to change? That he will do it again?

Believe me, I have not rushed back into his arms. And I have not spent the last 3 years waiting for him. But I am now struggling to maintain my forward momentum.

OP posts:
LoveBeingGetAGrip · 24/10/2014 07:08

You want too otherwise you would not give it a second chance.

Has he said why he did it?

BumpyNGrindy · 24/10/2014 07:21

Of course I want to. I want to be happy again. But I am wary. And holding back. That's why I'm asking these questions and listening to the answers

He has said why he did it. Because he was selfish and stupid and thought he could get away with it. The usual reasons why anyone does it if they are honest with themselves I guess. He claims to have addressed that and the underlying issues with counselling.

I am listening to what you're all saying and I have said all this and more to myself and to him. (And worse!)

OP posts:
swingofthings · 24/10/2014 07:25

I would but that's because I idolise passionate love. However, I would do so making it clear that it wasn't a fresh start where trust is concerned, but the other way around, ie. I would start on massively on my guards and the relationship would only evolve to a normal strusting one after he could prove to me that he was indeed trustworthy. I would accept that it might not be easy to live with, that from his perspective, it would be much easier to expect me to start from scratch, but that's the price he would have to pay to show me his complete devotion.

WhereTheWildlingsAre · 24/10/2014 07:26

Has he told you what those underlying issues were?

That seems quite key to me. That and what exactly he has done to address them

BumpyNGrindy · 24/10/2014 07:35

Sorry but those underlying issues are quite identifying. They stem from his marriage and he has talked at length about them to a counsellor (and me) and seems to understand how they affected how he chose to act. He seems pretty clear headed about it all and has put some big changes in place in his life to avoid it happening again.

but I just can't help thinking that I'll never truly trust him. And I can't live with that level of anxiety.

OP posts:

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LineRunner · 24/10/2014 07:39

I can sense that you really want to give this a go.

But what he did to you was just appalling. I don't know how you would move on from that without either minimising what he did, or somehow subsuming your sense of self, or just acknowledging he's a bit of a shit.

Genuine question - how would you do it?

LineRunner · 24/10/2014 07:41

Oh right, he's saying he did it because he wasn't whole, or some such.

Calvaise · 24/10/2014 07:44

Don't do it, OP.

Hold out for a relationship that doesn't make you want to post on MN. They're the only ones worth having.

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