My first post!! Should I say or should I go?

[Mrwillywonkasbitch]

My first post! Ya see some moody old cunt runs my life now a days he decides what I can and can't do, he even decides when we have sex! most of the time it's not when I want it but go along with it anyway owts better than nowt isn't it? He moans at our children when they're doing something he doesn't like. nothing seems to make him happy unless it's something he wants to do, or its all going his way :( but I keep my mouth shut because owt for an easy life

[Mrwillywonkasbitch]

*stay sorry

[Mrwillywonkasbitch]

Anyone?

[PedantMarina]

It's always tease, tease, tease
You're happy when I'm on my knees...

Sorry, but I'm going to gave that tune on the brain for the rest of the night. Thanks.

[PedantMarina]

On a note practical note, ask for this thread to be moved to relationships, where there are many wise people.

And can you describe some more. Examples, for instance?

[Mrwillywonkasbitch]

Well at least you've cheered me you :)

[Mrwillywonkasbitch]

Well he lost his mum then his job so has been suffering with depression but it's really dragging me down I've 2yr old twins which are a handful and he's just adding to the stress, I've been supportive and done everything I can for him but I'm at the point where I can't take much more

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

When you go the 'owt for an easy life' route with a selfish bully all you end up with normally is a bigger and more selfish bully. What you're describing is Domestic Abuse, not an easy life. No-one should be controlling you, running your life and telling you what to do. If they're telling you when to have sex when you don't want it you can add Sexual Abuse to the list of problems. If you want help to get out of this horrible situation rather than keeping your mouth shut then you might try Womens Aid 0808 2000 247.

Is he getting treatment for the depression or is it just a convenient excuse?

[UpWithWitchIWillNotSpook]

I see you had this moved now. Don't worry, people will be along eventually.

OK, let's start with the "when you have sex" part. I don't know if you meant he never wants (and you do), or if he doesn't care that you don't want it. If the former, yes, a problem that needs to be dealt with. If the latter, we're into rape territory.

Depression and job loss are tough to deal with, of course. But many an abusive arse has cloaked it behind "I'm soooo deeepresssed, waah".

Right now, still not sure if you simply need to have some good hard talk or if it's LTB and call the cops.

Have a little trawl around the threads, look up emotional abuse. See if the specific things he's doing ring a bell. Come back and give us more details.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'...it;s not when I want it but go along with it anyway...' suggests some kind of sexual coercion or pressure. Back to 'owt for a quiet life' but, at the same time, very disturbing

[UpWithWitchIWillNotSpook]

Sorry, I didn't see that bit, Cog. Yeah, that's not good.

[dadwood]

He's not going to make you happy! It sounds as if he is emotionally abusive. You will be consigning yourself to feeling unhappy if you stay with him and life is too short for that!

Have you heard of Lundy Bancroft? He's a man who writes books about domestic abuse based on his experience as a counsellor to both sides.

His book "Why does he do that?" can help you recognise the red flags that indicate emotional abuse. I bought a copy for a friend and I read some of it first. It's very eye opening.

[Mrwillywonkasbitch]

Thanks for the replies. sex wise I want it he doesn't, so basically do it when he wants it so yeah I guess he's controlling never looked at like that before. I've been in a violent relationship before but the physical side but this seems completely different :/ I've tried talking to him many times and tbh yesterday he mentioned he'd been depressed all week. To the treatment question yes he's on antidepressants which were helping but I'm not so sure now. My heads a mess why do I always pick men that treat me like a princess then end up total wankers!?! Thank you for the book advice I'm going to get on Amazon now.

[UpWithWitchIWillNotSpook]

First off, a lot of abusers never (or rarely) raise their hands. They don't need to.

As you do more reading you'll learn that abusers can hone in on somebody who has boundary issues. Having come from a previous relationship that was abusive, your defences were down. A normal, decent guy would have respected your boundaries, an abuser pushes right through.

So (to answer your question) You won't always pick men like this. It's possible you hadn't picked this one, either - he may have targetted you.

Right, I want now to say something about depression. It can affect a lot of things, but much of what I'm reading above has nothing to do with it. Many depressives can manage to live their lives without ruining others'. I'm leaning more and more in the direction of "abuse dressed up as depression".

Time to do some hard talking. Try to separate support for his depression from accepting unacceptable behaviour. Try to take back control over your own life, and that of your children.

The Lundy Bancroft book will certainly help, but whilst you're waiting for it, do some online reading as well.

[Mrwillywonkasbitch]

Thank you you really don't know how much help you've been. I started to think that maybe it was me that made him like that. I've got to get out Don't I?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

That's entirely your call. Be assertive, don't stand for poor treatment and remember that you don't need anyone else's permission to make the best of your life.