DP children living with new partner

[Bluetonic123]

I don’t normally post on here as I don’t have children of my own. I have a DP with 2 DDs and I come on to get tips on the best way to approach this but I don’t know how to approach this and thought I’d ask for advice.

His ex has recently decided that she wants to move in with her new partner. My DP is really upset as he doesn’t like the thought of another guy living with his children. Things that have come to light since the split make it very likely that this guy was the OM and was the thing that pushed her to end things (although the relationship had been broken for years beforehand). She has never admitted this and DP hasn’t bothered to ask as she swore there was no one else when they split (despite the fact that it really looked like there was) and he says he can’t bothered to go over old ground and it doesn’t really matter now anyway.

I want to support him and can understand his upset but I am struggling a bit with it as he wants me to move in with him and we are working towards this, although I have some stuff to sort out first. I think it’s a tad hypocritical of him to expect her not to move on when he has. I also think that as the NRP in some ways he doesn’t have to deal with as many of the day to day struggles of parenthood as she does (although he sees them a lot and is a good dad to them) and he therefore has forfeited some of his right to control their environment.

I am also a bit about the fact he is reacting this way over his ex although he swears it’s about the kids and not her it doesn’t exactly make me feel good! I want to make this not about me and my feelings as I think it’s hard enough for him as it stands and I want to support him. Any tips? Is there any one here who’s children now live with the probably OM or OW?

[Dirtybadger]

How long have you been together? How long have they been separated?

[Vivacia]

I agree with your feeling, probably even more so (e.g. he has no right over whether the new partner can move in or not).

I'd keep my own counsel on this, I can't see how any good will come of trying to change his mind. Let him work through his feelings.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think these kinds of situations expose what someone is really like. If your conclusion is that he's a hypocrite, it's OK not to like that in a person. If you think he's motivated by jealousy for someone he's supposed to have left behind, then he's not doing a very good job of convincing you otherwise.

[HowlCapone]

I agree that he is being a hypocrite. He is planning to live together with you yet he is upset that his ex is doing the same.

[WishiwasHenry]

Is it because the new man will see a lot more of his children than he will?

[HowlCapone]

Whether the partner is the OM is largely irrelevant.

[Quitelikely]

I think that if this was me I would feel quite upset that my children were going to live with another parent that wasn't me iyswim.

I mean it was supposed to be him living with his kids FT and being a ft dad. As if the marriage breakdown isn't hard enough I suppose it hurts a little more when another man moves in and takes over your 'role' if you like.

I don't think he doesn't want her to move on I think he struggling with someone else taking his place iyswim.

I suppose if you thought that person filling your shoes was also possibly sleeping with your wife while you were married then It would irk me even more!

[Bluetonic123]

To answer questions – they split about 2.5 years ago. I saw him casually for a few weeks about 3 months after the split but we ended it as he was a mess and I met someone else I thought I like more. We stayed in touch via the odd email and our paths crossed again about 15 months ago and we’ve been together ever since.

I do genuinely believe it is his children causing most of his feelings. He found moving out horrendously painful. He feels it is unfair that she is the one that most probably cheated and chose to end the relationship and he is one that doesn’t get to live with his children. I think there is a bit of him that feels worse because it is the OM. It’s just making me feel a bit insecure.

I do want to support him though and I do agree that unless he is willing to become the RP he will have to accept it.

[grocklebox]

He has to get over it. There is nothing at all he can do about it, not a thing.

[MaryWestmacott]

would he be prepared to take on more time with the DCs? If he's upset another man will have more time with them than he does, the best solution is he moves towards having them for 50% of the time, or perhaps even more.

There is no reason the children do have to spend the bulk of their time with their mother, it's just that's what traditionally has happened, if he doesn't feel he's getting enough time, then he should do something about that.

Sadly, there's nothing he can do about the OM moving in.

[Bluetonic123]

He has to get over it. There is nothing at all he can do about it, not a thing.

To fair that could be said about a lot of what is posted here. Most of it is stuff that people can’t change that they will have to get over. I am looking for insight on how to help him.

would he be prepared to take on more time with the DCs? If he's upset another man will have more time with them than he does, the best solution is he moves towards having them for 50% of the time, or perhaps even more.

They have an amicable informal arrangement. They live around the corner from him so he sees a lot of them. He takes them to school before work most days and often reads them a bedtime story in the evenings. He also sees them at least one day at the weekends, sometimes both and a couple of evenings a week picks them up after school and have them until bedtime when he takes them home.

He can’t afford to rent a place big enough for them to have a bedroom as well as pay for half the mortgage on the family home so 50 / 50 custody isn’t an option unless they sell the family home (which would mean more disruption for the children) and both parents (and I agree with this) think it is horrible unfair to expect the children to move between homes every week.

He sees as much of them as he can but really misses living with them and says it isn’t the same.

[Cabrinha]

What's horribly unfair? My daughter has two homes. She doesn't mind at all.

If he wants his kids to live with him too, he should stop grumbling and do something about it.

Can he really not house them?

[Cabrinha]

Oh and I'm not keen on the idea of my ex's gf moving in (in theory, it's not been suggested). I'm totally over him. Objectively I even think that as we have little family, step families will potentially enrich her life. But honestly, subjectively I can't stomach the idea of another person living with my child.

[NettleTea]

will he still be as welcome to come round and read bedtime stories/put them to bed in her house once the OM moves in? It must be extra galling if its the old family home that the boyfriend is moving into - have all the finances been sorted out regarding that? After all, if they go on to marry will he still have the equity thats tied up in it or will the new boyfriend end up getting the right to stay in the house? Is he still paying the mortgage? I know many divorces seem to have a 'until a new partner moves in' clause for such eventualities?

[magoria]

He needs a sit down and get a proper legal work out where he stands.

I think it is unfair for his ex to move another man in and for your DP to continue to pay 50\50 on a mortgage while another man enjoys the property he is paying for but he cannot afford a place for them to have a bedroom.

Also how happy is the new man going to be to have DP come to the house every morning and many evenings to read at bedtime?

If she is at a stage where she wants to live with someone else things habe changed and he can get a bigger place and have DC more. Reducing the upset of another man taking his role.

[Bluetonic123]

Cabrinha would you be happy for your children to stay in one house and you and your ex move in and out of it? If not them that's why my dp and his ex feel it's unfair to put their children in the same position. His children live in an expensive part of London. Rent alone on a 2 bed flat is at least 1500 a month. He simply doesn't have the cash for it. His one bed costs over 1000 a month. He feels trapped in that area as he wants the children to be able to walk over to his whenever they want. I don't think any of this makes him a bad parent.

NettleTea it would be the old family home. His ex has said it will change nothing about his relationship with the children and he is still welcome to go and see them as much as he wants but obviously dp is worried.

Magoria he still pays half the mortgage. He agreed to do so until such time as his ex could buy him out. He was wants to retain his half of the house as he worked extremely hard to save up for it and it's all he really. He also wanted to make sure that the children could stay there.

I think perhaps the time has come for them to sell the house.

[Cabrinha]

I can't work out what you're saying the arrangement is.
No, I personally don't like "nesting" which I think is the popular term for children staying in one place and the parents moving in and out of it.
I don't think it's unfair to children though - I think it's a lovely idea - if you can afford 3 houses! No way would I share the other house (for the parent not with kids that week) with my ex!

But that's not what your partner does.

He visits them in their home, doesn't live with them.

I thought you said it was unfair for the children to have two homes? And that's what I said I don't think is unfair at all. Many children have this and accept it happily.

I think he has been foolish (if understandably so) about not sorting this out properly before the boyfriend came on the scene.

Now I could pop in to my ex's house - the old marital home, for which I have a charge on the equity, as I generously allowed him not to have to sell up, for continuity for my daughter. I don't, but emotionally I could. But... would I want to if her new gf was there, offering me a cup of tea? Maybe. But maybe not. And I haven't already expressed upset at the new partner, or think its an OW/OM. Is he really going to want to read to the kids when this guy is walking around in his boxers and slipping his arm round the wife's waist?

And is the new bf going to say "why the fuck do we have your ex wandering in and out, honey?"

Get it sorted legally. Protect his share of the house. Then stop paying the mortgage. Put it towards renting a 2 bed, and get 50/50 shared care agreed.

If she can't pay the mortgage, then sell up, or she can get her bf to contribute.

He is a fool if he doesn't sort this out properly.

[antarctic]

Now you've explained the contact arrangements, I can understand why your DP is upset. Given the current informal arrangement of him popping in frequently (which does sound lovely, by the way), rather than a more typical contract arrangement when he has the DC in his own place, another man living there could really change the dynamics of his time with his kids.

However 2.5 years after the split it would be unreasonable to expect his ex to stay on her own forever - whether or not this was the OM.

As others have said, I think maybe they need to sort out the finances and have a more formal contact arrangement.

[Mrscaindingle]

I think some of these replies are a bit harsh to your DP tbh, I totally get that he has misgivings over someone else taking over his 'role' if you like and don't think that makes him a hypocrite at all.
He didn't leave so its understandable that its hard but he will get over it once it becomes the new norm, people do, as long as he really is over his ex but only he can really know that.
I would give him some time and allow him to work through it. My ex left last year for an OW and although I am over him now at least I got to keep my DC and as he lives abroad don't have to deal with the OW yet.
Just because you can't do anything about it doesn't make it any easier, if anything probably makes it harder.

[Bluetonic123]

I thought people were a bit harsh too.

He's going to meet her to discuss things at the weekend. I'm taking the girls out for a treat. He's going to see if she's in a position to buy him out as he feels it's time to make the break financially. If not he will talk to her about selling the house so he can take his equity and buy a place he can live in. I think his ex will be quite resistant to the idea as she'll have to move to a cheaper area.

[Bluetonic123]

He will always feel immense sasness about not being able to live with his children. Another man getting to do it just makes it all seem worse.

[Vivacia]

Has he had legal advice OP?

[Bluetonic123]

No he hasn't. He wants to talk to her about it first. She is generally very reasonable and fully supports his relationship with his children so he wants to see where she stands.

[Vivacia]

Fair enough. I think I would err on the side of getting some legal advice first, given the huge financial and emotional stakes for all involved.