What was the point of all that counselling?

[thatsnotmynamereally]

My H is clearly abusive and I can clearly see this. So why can't I just eject myself from this situation? I've just finished 10 weeks counselling via local WA I still haven't left and I'm feeling like I really have let myself and others down.

I've got divorce papers ready to go. I told him yesterday clearly that I felt we needed to end the relationship, I did frame it in a sort of 'it's not you it's me' way, that I wasn't sure of who I was or what I wanted anymore (which is clearly BS as it is him). It would just be so nice if he just decided to go himself as he's often said he would like to but I have no illusions there. I'm getting conflicting advice, I've been loathe to instigate anything because of all I've read about the most dangerous time being around separation, while others I've spoken to say (and my gut instinct agrees) to be clear and direct with him, matter-of-fact and that because he is a bully he will gain respect for me if I take control of the situation. I'm really going in circles right now.

On the other hand, I sometimes look at the situation and think I don't have it so bad... the kids (both young adults now) have done great so far, I'm just getting back into my career after a few years out, financially stable. I might break the spell if I change anything. I must be, as he tells me, a vindictive bitch.

Actually I'm cackling to myself reading that-- yeah right! He ruins everything on a daily basis, he is vicious and horrible. I'm limping along but if he were out of the picture it would be so much brighter.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Counselling is useful for increasing your understanding and for being able to express yourself. What it doesn't necessarily do is provide confidence, motivation or banish fear. Very often I read threads here where women are waiting to 'get in the right mindset' to leave. My firm view is that, when living in fear of a controlling bully, it's incredibly difficult to screw up any courage and confidence. Waiting for things to feel right and for mindsets to align can be a long wait.

I'm afraid you're going to have to not only instigate the separation but go ahead with it in full. Put the cart before the horse as it were. He is not going to do anything that benefits you or makes your life easier. He's not going to voluntarily up and leave, take hints or be swayed by ideas of 'it's not you it's me' etc. If he is a vicious bully - and you're right about the risk being greatest when they are told it's over - secure a place of safety, go there independently and then have the divorce papers and bad news sent once you are well away.

[Anniegetyourgun]

It doesn't matter if he gains respect for you or not; he'll still be a bully, whether he cuts down on the overt nastiness or what, so you'll have to be constantly winning minor battles over everything. Even if you win every single one, which you know you won't, it's exhausting and no way to live. You're not training a puppy here. He's not going to learn; he's just going to move the goalposts subtly when you aren't looking. There is no happy ending for the two of you together, you know that, but talk of "managing" his behaviour, looking for an equal footing, is clouding the issue and putting off the day you get on with the leap into the (relatively) unknown.

I massively sympathise though. It's a bit like standing at the fourth-floor window of a burning building, looking down at a mob of people holding a blanket like a trampoline and shouting at you to jump, and if I were you the flames would have to be awfully close before I could even imagine taking that step over the sill. It does have to be done of course - but if you wait the fire might die down... except fires, and abusers, don't do that. They carry on until they have consumed everything. The step will have to be taken. Shut your eyes, and go for it. It's a good strong blanket, you know

[Blu]

"I'm limping along but if he were out of the picture it would be so much brighter." And there you go: the very reason you want to (and need to leave) is the very thing that takes away your confidence to act on your own decisions and feelings, just as Cogito says.

Well done for getting the divorce papers all ready - that's one of your biggest steps in the practicalities. Forget thinking about him and your miserable marriage and treat this as a practical project. You achieved an important step, what are the next practical steps and what is a good timescale?

Have you go RL support? What access do you have to money? Can you get a lease on a flat set up? Or do you have relatives you could go to for a month or so?

Make yourself an exit-pack: make sure you have your passport, all your paperwork, details of bank accounts etc.

You've told him you think the relationship needs to end, you've done much of the hard work, why be trapped by him calling you you a vindictive bitch? In order to live with someone who calls you a vindictive bitch!

You can do it, OP, and you are worth it.

[Vivacia]

You don't need his respect, you need your safety and happiness.

Have you best of both worlds. Plan. Get all of your ducks in a row and then tell him you're leaving. Have somebody there to keep you safe if you're worried about telling him. Even safer, present it as a fait accompli, a letter on the table with divorce papers saying you've left.

[PurpleWithRed]

What everyone else says - get your plans sorted then step out into a wonderful new future. Do not waste a second more of your happiness waiting for him to do it for you.

[codyben]

I am in counselling with relate £35 a time and only i will go. My husband started this online/facebook affair also meeting her outside our house everynight. He has ended it but now says he was unhappy anyway and is not sure if he wants to stay.
After 32 years of marriage and being with him from i was 15 i am in bits. Of course i want him to stay, kids, family want him to stay. But he won't commit to anything so we are all left in limbo.
Waiting for the moment he just says thats it. There is no one that can help so if i want him i have to wait and wait which is driving me mentel.
He won't talk to me or not at least anything that makes sense. this happened in August and ended then. Nothing physical happened but his head is a mush.
I am begining to think he has depression but he won't see a doctor

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"if i want him i have to wait and wait "

Or you could bring things to a head and tell him to leave. Stop driving yourself mental waiting for him to click his fingers and take charge of your own future. If his head is a mush, it'll focus the mind. If he has depression and he finds himself out in the cold, it might motivate him to see a doctor.

[Vivacia]

Cody, start your own thread - people will support you

[thatsnotmynamereally]

Thanks all am determined to get a grip today but have been called onto a work meeting this morning (yikes... I am contract working atm) so cannot think properly until after!

[Blu]

codyben: you could actually ask him to leave. If he is going to leave you he will do it anyway, or else just string you along and have the best of both worlds, treating you like an emotional doormat. If you ask him to leave he may also decide he likes it better that way, or he may decide that he actually wants to sort himself out, apologise for the hurt he has caused and ask you if he can come back. Then YOU can decide and it will be on your terms - making up for the position he now has you in, of abjectly begging for his love.

Your situation sounds painful and complicated, so start a thread just for you in relationship and you will get lots of advice. Because the advice on this thread to 'thatsnotmy' will all be about the practical and emotional realities of leaving her H.

[Blu]

OP: 'when you are going through hell...Keep Going!'.

Good luck today.

[Vivacia]

We'll wait here for you OP

[Heyho111]

I imagine that it's stepping into the unknown that's stopping you. But that unknown will be a lot like now just without the abuse.
You have a good job , you will still have your sons and family/friends.
You won't be bullied , degraded because of it and sad.
It will feel lonely at times but that will pass.
It takes an abused person on average I've read 49 times to leave an abusive partner.
You can do this and the freedom you will feel in months to come will be the most amazing feeling you could experience.
Be brave and I wish you success. You deserve it.

[thatsnotmynamereally]

Grrrrr. Job meeting was just a resourcing meeting (skiving now, should be working), I was prepared for a the worst as I don't have much to do here, but was secretly hoping for a payrise/permanent job offer/pat on the back but none forthcoming... I am wondering if this is (currently) the story of my life expecting very little and getting very little in return?? I could easily dust off my CV and get something better as I am massively overqualified but it's been hard enough holding down this job with H on my back all the time! (usually moaning about how pathetic my job is while demanding I take random days off which I don't, then he says how abused I am at work 'because you can't take any time off')

Cog thanks for the insight, so true. I was hoping in a way that there would be a lightbulb moment, I've had many but none that made me change from the doormat I currently am into an angry action person, which I what I need to be.

Annie that analogy is spot on! I could feel it as I read it, exactly how I am now about being ready to jump. I also know that once I jump that things will never be the same, what ever happens, for good of for bad, and there's actually a lot of good in my life right now despite everything with H.

Blu I'm not sure how much support I really have. I tend to not reach out to others. I have a few good friends who have helped massively in the past and said they'd be happy to in the future they know what he's like and saw the behaviour (harassment) which led to me going to the police a few months ago (second time the police have been involved). I just feel I don't want to over-impose and I also secretly wonder if they might enjoy comparing themselves and thinking that however bad their situations are that they aren't as bad as mine... I want to retain my misplaced-- sense of superiority.

Still reading and thinking, thanks so much for all your responses Cody, I have my doubts about Relate, it might work for some but when I tried on my own the session was something like this:
Me: My H is cruel and calls me a bitch all the time.
Relate: Did he have a bad childhood?
Me: Yes, I suppose he did..
Relate: Perhaps you could be more understanding of him.
Me: OK.
-End-

So I'd say, proceed with caution!

Anyway, his reaction to my I-want-to-leave talking of yesterday? He sent a text saying perhaps I need to start HRT. Oh yes. HRT. Misogynistic to the core. Then he called and said he would try to be nicer. I'm not going to throw it back in his face just yet I don't want to give the game away. I'm not so scared of him and leaving our comfy house disadvantages me more than him. For now, I'll be freezing him out, I truly feel nothing but coldness for him. For the future I need to get my plan together wishing I had a rottweiler solicitor-- and perhaps rethink my RL support.

[whatdoesittake48]

Just imagine your very own cosy little house that is truly calm and wonderful. You really will be the one with the advantage. It might seem a long way away but it doesn't have to be.
You shoukd find a new counsellor with experience of controlling relationships. Mine left a cintrolling and abusive man herself and really properly understands. She also never tells me to leave just helps me deal with it in a more constructive way.since going I have started driving, insisted on my own bank account, changed the care of our children to something much fairer and talked about getting a new job. I just do what I want and he is having to accept it.

[thatsnotmynamereally]

So today, the suicide threats, what should I do? True to type, now that I have indicated I'm serious, he says he's got 'black depression', how can I be such a cruel bitch when he's in such pain, he is so hurt, how can I be so selfish, etc. I shouldn't engage but I'd rather know than not know, while driving into work when he called (over and over again), I did speak to him/cry/scream and told him he never thinks about anyone but himself-- at that point (an hour ago) he put the phone down and I've not heard from him since, yet again I am an emotional wreck coming into work. He is in our (jointly owned) house, no idea if he's still there or gone to work, he was demanding that I return home because he was so hurt. Big deal, I am hurt too!

BTW, the last time he threatened suicide was a couple of months ago when I took DS to clear out his uni room in shared house (he's graduated), we had to fold the back seat down in anticipation of getting everything in so there was only room in the car for driver+ passenger, H wanted to go but DS wanted me to go, not him... this escalated into H saying if he couldn't go we'd come back and find him dead in a pool of blood. Sadly when we returned he was still intact... why can I just not get shot of this stupid baby-man?

[Bogeyface]

If he says he is going to kill himself I suggest you call the police. Tell them that he has threatened this and they will check up on him. He cant kick off (although he will) because all you were doing was making sure he was ok, and I'll bet you a weeks wages he never pulls that one again.

[EhricLovesTheBhrothers]

His suicide threats are just to keep you In line, you know that. He has no intention of carrying it out. And he's doing to the kids too? Bastard. If someone threatens suicide you call the police and let them deal with it. That's the only sensible course of action.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

If anyone threatens suicide then the right thing to do is to call in the emergency services rather than stick around to be manipulated.

[thatsnotmynamereally]

Thanks Bogey and Ehric , I'm at work and he always tries to destabilize me and get me to quit my job so trying to plod on. Police station next door, will go at lunch for advice if he's already lying there in a pool of blood too bad as I've got work to catch up with as they have been helpful before and logged his harassment of me plus it triggers a call from the DV team who can help me how to best end this ridiculous farce. I had support from them before (he's been cautioned) but swept everything under the carpet for various reasons, lack of backbone on my part... I'm wanting it on record now.

[thatsnotmynamereally]

Not being manipulated anymore-- have just called solicitor. It has gone beyond ridiculous, I'll have to leave work to deal with this which is a bit annoying but can't wait any longer. And it is a Friday.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

It probably is ridiculous, you're quite right. But it's for a trained professional such as a paramedic or a police officer to assess. They can get him treatment if he needs it where as you can't. On the whole, they don't like people who Cry Wolf the way he appears to be doing.

FWIW if he actually was dead in a pool of blood it would be 100% wholly and entirely of his own volition.

[GoatsDoRoam]

Suicide threats are pretty standard for abusers. It's yet another manipulation tactic. Don't get sucked in by it; don't engage on the topic at all, and call emergency services if you truly are concerned that he might be a danger to himself or others.

[GoatsDoRoam]

Well done on calling a solicitor.

Solicitors are great in this kind of situation, for many reasons. One is that they have no emotional investment in this, so they deal with it in terms of legalities and practicalities only. I found it a great way to emotionally defuse the situation for myself: in the hands of a solicitor, it's all getting dealt with, without any heartache or mindfuckery.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

That's exactly how I felt about the legal process Goats. It was a big step to pick up the phone and make the appointment but, once I got going, the delegation aspect was quite relaxing.