Suspect he is cheating

[MrsMoon76]

I am not sure what I want from this thread, I think I just want to be told that I am not overreacting. I don't think I am but I think I am in shock here. DH and I are together 6 years and married just over 2. its not been easy between us but I do love him. I moved from another part of the country and this meant giving up a good job, friends, family and a better income than I have now. The plan was that we would get married, have children and all that stuff. We got married but the children hasn't happened because he changed his mind, also he has no interest in sex with me and just kept saying it was fine, he was stressed, tired or I was being too demanding etc to the point where its been over a year and I just don't bother now. We are 38 btw.

Anyway, we found out recently that dh's db has been cheating on his dw. DH is nc with that brother (and most of family as they are very toxic, abusive and have really damaged dh) but as we were discussing it and the impact on the family he made a comment about not judging and that he would never swear that he would never cheat because no one is perfect etc etc. There were some alarm bells going off in my head there....

What he said stuck in my head and on Sunday evening I looked at his phone - in 6 years I have never done this - and I felt pretty sneaky doing it. I saw a couple of texts to 2 different numbers that seemed to be him (or them) making contact for the first time in a while, using the word sweetheart and saying how they miss each other. I'll be honest, I didn't really take it in as was bloody shocked. I decided to say nothing yet and wanted to get another chance to dig. I was off work yesterday so had a look at his payg work phone - there were texts from a couple of years ago to a woman called "H" talking about a link she had sent him, another asking about wedding plans, another from "C" asking him not to phone that night, and a photo of another woman. I have never heard of any of them. I looked at the call log and took down some of the numbers (mostly work or mobiles but one land line. I have googled that and its a chatline for adult works.....and he phoned it a couple of months ago late at night. Also there were chat date texts? Not sure but assume they are from a company rather than a woman.

Also, I dug around on his computer and found old chat msn messages - so he appears to have not kept any from after 2013 but he was in regular chat with a woman called "K" for at least two years and they have or had a flickr account set up with photos of her on there, he paid for the private group?. Lots of sex chat between them over two years and several mentions of me - one comparing a body part, hers is better btw, him admitting to wanking in bed whilst chatting and I was asleep beside him. Him admitting that at that point most of his "energy" was spent wanking over her so I wasn't getting it......no wonder he had no interest. He also appears to have bought her clothes at times.

Another giil on there - I think he used to send her money. This appears to be his thing.....

Last but so not least - I looked at the internet history. He is frequently on adult works - and as far as I was aware this was for prostitutes? he is a member of adult friend finder and was still signed in so I read the mails he had sent. He has chatted to a few women and last message was last month so he is active on there. September last year there was one weekend that he was contacting people that weekend looking for company - I was with my mum that weekend as she had just had a tumour removed from her lung.

Am I naïve to hope that this is just online? Or am I right to suspect that this has gone into rl?

[Candycharm]

That's awful, It might be online but sounds like it's gone pretty far, and the picture thing and wanking whilst next to you seems so disrespectful to me. Also it does sound like there is quite a strong chance this whole thing is not just online, I would advise an std check asap.

[Candycharm]

Oh and you are definitely not over reacting I think his behaviour is disgusting and I would feel physically sick if I found out a partner was acting like that. You deserve to be treated much better than that.

[inlectorecumbit]

online or not he appears to be heavily emotionally if not physically involved with OW's.
The lack of sex is in itself a red flag.
What do you want to do OP?

[VintageCherry26]

I'm sorry I couldn't just read and run. My heart really is breaking for you and I'm SO sorry you're going through this. Regardless of whether it's just messages and online or a physical affair. It is still an affair and you deserve better,SO much better! My ex of 6 years used to chat to other women online and then began a 'phone' Affair with a friends girlfriend. This eventually lead to him sleeping with someone else because he realised he could get away with things easily. We eventually broke up (he was also emotionally and sometimes physically abusive).i just wish I'd had the confidence to do something about it sooner. Do you have a close friend or family member you can talk about this to? Times like this really call for support and preferably non biased advice.

[MrsMoon76]

Thanks candy and cumbit

I was thinking of an std check - I had one years ago (I was raped) so I know the drill but as we aren't actually having sex I wasn't sure if I would.

The lack of sex is a huge red flag. I always had a high sex drive and the lack has knocked my confidence.

As for what I want to do - I just don't know. I haven't confronted him. I actually want to get my hands on the first phone again as the stuff on there is more up to date. God knows why - I have enough info to confront him. I am assuming this is the end but I sort of feel numb. I can't believe i'm not crying or anything. Its like I am just gathering everything I need and am being calm for it. I suspect that I am being calm partly because I am so stressed at work at the mo that I cant afford to let this blow up in my face for a week or so.

[MrsMoon76]

Vintage - It is an affair, actually he described it as such in his chat. Sorry, not drip feeding but there was so much on there I can't write it all. I think its probably gone further than online with someone and that's why he is on adult works.

I can't talk to anyone in rl right now. I just can't bring myself to.

I am raging inside - this last year has been awful because of his family.i have supported him so much and listened to him rant and cry, listened to the madness from his family and all the while he has been doing this.

[Gelfbride]

I would not give a tinkers rap whether it was physical or not. I would be so gone. Total deal breaker. I would print it all off and pin nail it to the kitchen cupboards and the last time he saw me would be the last time he saw me.

[nrv0us]

Adult works rears its ugly head again.

[Itsfab]

I don't think you need to bother getting his phone again as there is enough already that you know to tell him to get the fuck out as it is over. If that is what you want. He married you under false pretences as he said he wanted children and suddenly didn't .

Disgraceful person.

Gelfbride - great idea!

[nozzz]

So sorry to read your discovery.

[MrsMoon76]

I feel a bit better just writing it all down and seeing how much there is to this. Its not just one thing, there is bloody loads after rereading my OP again. I am going to deal with it next week - he is away a lot this week so I won't see him much - and I need to get the next week sorted workwise before I speak to him. I honestly haven't energy for both. I feel so sad. I have pissed away my 30s when I could have had a child by now if I hadn't met him.

[QuintessentiallyGhoulish]

Just see a solicitor asap, divorce and move on.

Nothing else for it really.

Are these girls all really beautiful and you wonder what they see in your husband?

[ThisIsSylviaDaisyPouncer]

Quint...

[MrsMoon76]

No idea Quint. I haven't seen photos of them. No doubt I would find them if I looked on his computer but I am not able for it. I plan to have a look at the weekend and copy what I need. What matters is what I see or saw in him. I really don't care about them strangely enough. I was cheated on years and years ago and was obsessed by the girl but in this case its like they aren't "real".

Shit, I guess I better start thinking about where the fuck I going to live as well.

Signing off for the night. Thanks everyone for the support. i feel like a coward that I am letting it run but at least I told someone even if its online here.

[MrsMoon76]

Ah, yes, I see - no quint, I'm not a troll but thanks for the "support".

[LineRunner]

See a solicitor. Nothing by else for it really.

[LineRunner]

I mean that. This isn't any kind of marriage.

[QuintessentiallyGhoulish]

No I mean it. This is not a marriage. You have no children to consider. He has other women and you think he is seeing prostitutes. Move on.

[LineRunner]

And please get yourself some counselling. Your whole story is sad and you need to raise yourself up from this place.

[TheRealJoanWarburton]

I'm sorry, OP.
This is a horrible thing to happen. If you have any sense at all you'll stay quiet until you've seen a solicitor, then exit the 'marriage'. What a horrible man, to have done this to you.
Do get out. Do get counselling. You deserve the rest of your life to be much better than anything he can offer.

[sykadelic]

Get copies of everything. Proof of the affairs, financial documents, house documents (if applicable) and anything else you might need. Make sure you have a safe place to go if this all goes down, and have a lot of your "valuables" stored somewhere safe.

If he's not around much this week I'd do a lot of the planning now.

[peasandlove]

of course it's happened in real life. No doubt about it. You've probably only found the tip of the iceberg in my opinion.
Sorry, stay strong.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Lovely as you say you've pissed away your 30's with him, but actually you've got enough to hang him with, I wouldn't bother confronting him ide sort your work out pack my stuff and go back to where I was before him.

He doesn't deserve another ounce of your time or a chance to explain, what's he going to say that's going to make a difference.

I love you I'm sorry?
It's your fault?
Let's work this out?

Gather up the remains of your self esteem and get out. I quite like the analogy of a previous poster I would plaster it all over the bloody house, keep copies for myself and then file for divorce.

He deserves nothing more from you

[Jan45]

So you have been nothing but a convenient smokescreen to hide his disgusting habit of contacting other women and prostitutes, what else do you need to uncover, there's enough there to bang him up for years.

Please move on, he's not the man you thought he was, it's a shock but his refusal of sex and intimacy was a sign, he's getting his rocks off elsewhere, why would you want to hang about and be put through any more humiliation.

I wouldn't even want his explanation (which will be lies), you've enough there to end it today, if you don't then you are not going to have a very happy life, 6 years is nothing, some of us have wasted many more on men who don't actually give a fuck.