Feeling angry...

[umbongoumbongo]

So I did LTB as was suggested here. He is currently sunning it up overseas on a big family holiday having insisted on telling his youngest daughter that I was leaving when they were on the plane so I wasn't able to be there. I thought it was mean doing that to her but no, he, as ever, knows best. By the time they return in a fortnight I'll be moved out. Living in a rented room with my dog. Fucking great.

I am feeling angry because he is sitting pretty and I'm the one who everything has to change for. Also riled by a few 'friends' who are so wrapped up in their children that they can't be arsed to answer their phone either despite knowing that this week is going to be particularly shit. Currently sat in (his) cold house by myself surrounded by a mountain of possessions that need to be sorted/chucked/moved and feeling pissed off. He is giving it the 'I'm sad too' bollocks. If you were that fucking sad maybe you should have taken more interest in our relationship rather than your bloody business and now just thinking that everything will continue the same 'as friends' but I'll still making the effort with YOUR kids. More effort than you ever make because I feel sorry for them. And breathe.

[nrv0us]

Ugh. Far from ideal, especially his insistence on breaking the news without you being there.

It's bugger-all consolation to you at the moment, but in a year or even six months' time, things should feel less gloomy and more hopeful.

[umbongoumbongo]

Apparently he stopped her crying by telling her he'd decorate her room. Oh well that will make everything ok for her then!

[gobbynorthernbird]

I'm sorry, but he has every right to tell his DC what he wants, and when.

[umbongoumbongo]

And I have the right to say I can't be bothered to help you with your hobbies 3 times a week now that I'm not with your Dad. But it doesn't make it right does it so I won't be doing that because I'm not a total arse. Is this why step parents get such a rough deal on MN? Years of building a relationship with the kids and then no say at all and we should put up or shut up? I would have preferred to have been there to discuss any questions she had rather than her sat sandwiched in a plane seat crying her eyes out with total strangers sat next to her. I won't be taking any more step kids on next time round then.

[gobbynorthernbird]

Not only do you have the right to say that, it's probably better for the DC that you do it. And you, unless you want to have the piss taken forever.

[Dowser]

Why sat in a cold house?

Cant you whack the heating right up?

I would ( if that's possible).

[Elllimam]

I would also whack the heating up, order a take away, drink some wine and maybe hide some prawns in the curtain rails.

[Vivacia]

This sounds really shit and like you need a big offload.

I do think you need to distance yourself from him. How do you know he's saying, "he's sad too"?

How long were you together and how old is his daughter. Depending on those facts I'd be reluctant to spend time with his daughter in the future.

[Quitelikely]

You've obviously invested a lot if emotional energy into your step dc but if I was you I would just move on without a backward glance. Not your problem now.

Fwiw if I ever find myself single in the future I will be avoiding step dc I just wouldn't want the hassle!

[umbongoumbongo]

He has set the heating on certain settings and I don't know how to change it! I know he is saying he is sad too as we have been messaging as there were some bits in the house I needed to know about and also I wanted to know they'd all arrived safely. I pointed out that while they are all having a great time (judging by the photos he tactfully sent me) that I was having a shit day at home and not looking forward to compacting my entire life into a double bedroom at my age.

His youngest one is 12 and we were together 3 1/2 years. Much as it would be easier to just cut all ties it wouldn't be fair on her as I am the only one who supports her in her chosen hobby and it's mainly because of me that she got into it and she can't really do it without me. We also have a shared interest that he doesn't want to give up so will have to see each other because of that. He isn't an ogre or anything but I am just feeling annoyed that I have wasted so much time on him and been taken for granted. Thanks all for advice; am feeling a bit less ranty than earlier!

[Vivacia]

OP You need to stop the texts. No telling him how sad and cold you are, no receiving photos of their jolly holiday, no pointing anything out to him.
You have got to rip the plaster off in one go.

I don't think it's wise or kind to keep in be so involved with the daughter's life. She's 12, she and dad can find another way of supporting her hobby. It sounds as though your involvement runs the risk of making a martyr of you.

[nicenewdusters]

You sound like a lovely person, as despite going through a really shitty time you're still worrying about other people. I can see that you don't want to cut contact with his daughter, but as vivacia said, her dad can and should find ways around the problem with supporting her hobby. If it's his house, his daughter etc, then I'm afraid it's all his responsibility as well.

I could write walk away and don't look back but that's pretty glib and harsh in your current situation. However, the kids came as a package with him, and if you don't have him, you're unlikely to continue to see them. Presumably the daughter is old enough to phone/text you independently if she wants to, would you want that ?

As for keeping in contact with him whilst he's away, god no. Pack up your stuff, move on and start thinking how nice it will be not to play second fiddle to his job, and not being "friends" so that you can be his unpaid childminder.
Also, I suspect he told his daughter on the plane so that his family, who you say are with them, can deal with her feelings/behaviour as a result of the split. So he's a coward as well. He obviously wasn't bothered about ruining her holiday from the outset - you sound well rid of him.