DPs best friend

[goingincognitolala]

I feel sick to my stomach writing this.

Myself and DP have been together for years, had our ups and downs, have DC (not really relevant actually) we have a really good group of friends that we've known jointly since our teens. Because of this, I'd have had the odd drunken teenage kiss way back in the day with one or two of them. Total non issue or so I thought.

One of our friends would be like our third muskateer and he's DPs best friend. We've had many years of wonderful, uncomplicated friendship.

But while I was at a work night on Friday he rang to see where I was so we met up in town and had both had a few drinks (DP at home but aware of the plans etc)
This friend basically told me he had feelings for me and raked up over our teenage past which honestly I had forgotten all about, mentioned the night I got with DP how the circumstances changed and it should have been us ending up together, that he often thinks about this. I feel heartbroken for everything, my DP mainly.

To make matters worse I'm convinced I played a part in this as it's the second time it's happened. The first time ended tragically and I carry so much guilt with me. My very best friend since childhood had become very close with my DP, but a few years ago he did pretty much the exact same this as current friend, but I told my DP and while he never confronted him, he let the friendship dissolve and the friend ended up dying in tragic circumstances. Me and DP were his closest friends and I feel I ruined the last few months of his life by telling DP and taking away his two best friends.

I haven't told DP and there's no way I will. "Friend" sent me a very depressed text today and I don't know if he's trying to guilt me over the friend who died but I'm too scared to tell anyone incase the same thing happens.

I'm not sure I'll ever trust a platonic friendship again. I hate that I have to lie to DP from here on out, something I never do.

[53Dragon]

You don't have to lie. Send dp's friend a text to say how uncomfortable the conversation made you feel, that you have decided not to tell dp but that it must never be mentioned again if you are to remain friends. As for the person who died - I can understand your guilt but you can't change the past. If your dp didn't confront him then he was probably blissfully unaware. His death is the only reason that you even remember what happened - you probably would've lost touch anyway by now. Be kind to yourself

[PurpleSwift]

I'm sorry. This must be so confusing for you. However, you must tell your dh the truth if he means more to you than your friendship. otherwise lines will blur. What your friend needs from you is distance, not your direct support.

[Vivacia]

What have you actually done? If I've understood it correctly this man confessed his feelings for you. You haven't done anything wrong.

You were not responsible for the other friend's death.

Tell your husband.

[Whocansay]

I also think you should tell your husband. Just in case this guy turns nasty.

You are not responsible for anyone else's feelings and are certainly not responsible for someone else's death.

[SavoyCabbage]

Nothing's happened though so you don't have to feel guilty.

I would say " the other night Dave said that he fancied me and now I don't know what to do"

I wouldn't not tell my dp id I was in your situation.

He's probably just feeling that it's about time that he settles down and then he looks at you two in your relationship and thinks that's what he wants. So he equates that with you.

[Got99problems]

What a sad situation. Was friend drunk when he said all this - after all, he has kept these feelings perfectly hidden for many years. Personally I would think twice about telling DP, but would avoid any evening drinking sessions that were just the two of you, and make it very clear that the feelings are not reciprocated.

[Quitelikely]

I don't think I would tell but I would text the other guy and say you've decided to put what he said down to being drunk. State that if he does it again then you will tell your dh.

And do.

[GoatsDoRoam]

I think you and your husband both did exactly the right thing last time, when you told your husband what friend had said, and your husband and you let the friendship dissolve. That was the appropriate distance to take in this case. It is tragic that he died shortly after, but it is completely unrelated, and completely not something you should feel guilty about.

I sincerely believe that you should do the same thing this time around too: tell your husband, and create appropriate distance from this man (as it is disrespectful to your marriage not to).

[uglyswan]

In your place I would be quite angry with these so-called friends unloading their feelings in your lap like a wet nappy and leaving you to deal with the consequences. Friend no 1's death was indeed very sad, but in no way your fault. Nor did you take away this man's two best friends - he did that all by himself that by refusing to respect his friend's marriage. As for this other 'friend' - he's not your friend, and certainly not your dh's friend if that's all the respect he can show you. I like Quite's suggestion, but personally I would also tell your husband about this and decide how you want to handle this boundary-pusher together. Depressed text message, my left tit.

[sykadelic]

OP - I agree with the others. You should tell your DP.

If your other friend had not passed, would you still be feeling guilty? You weren't mean to him, neither was your DP, you just distanced yourself from the friendship because the friend had an inappropriate crush on you. Why does the distance and the death have to correlate? It's okay to feel bad that he passed with the friendship not being there, but that was the friends choice, not yours or your DP's..

So with this other friend, are you going to remain talking to them in order to protect them, rather than telling your DP and protecting him and your relationship? You can't be scared he's going to die, everyone dies eventually, but that doesn't mean you're forced to associate with someone who has such little respect for you, your DP and your relationship (both with your DP and this friend).

What do these friends expect you to do with this knowledge? Break up with your DP and begin a relationship with them? Are they really being fair to you or your DP by telling you this information?

This person is no real friend by using the (misplaced) guilt from the other friends passing to take advantage of you.

Tell your DP. To be honest, I'm angry at these "friends" for your sake, and your DP's. He did this, not you.

[badbaldingballerina123]

Op I would take these confessions of feelings with a pinch of salt. When some people say they have feelings they actually mean they want to have sex. That's all.

I think there's a few things going on here. It sounds like you need better boundrys in your relationship. For instance , why was your partner not invited out also for drinks with this friend? I'd be pretty pissed off in his shoes.

I would not tolerate this little weasel taking the piss out of me , my partner or my relationship. If you don't tell your partner you are setting him up to be the chump and that's not fair. Ugly nailed it with the phrase boundrys pusher. Do not be complicit with this bullshit.