DH's affair. Almost two years on and it's not going well.

[redlightspellsdanger]

I am a regular. I have changed my name for thus but I'm sure my original thread is somewhere.

I discovered DH's affair almost two years ago. He works abroad and met someone when he was away. He knew he would ever return to where they met but this didn't stop him from staying in contact via phone/email text for a further two months - despite me asking three times for it to stop. It has definitely stopped now. I'm completely sure of that.

It took months for dribs and drabs of information to come through about their relationship. He still denies any secure contact but I believe there was. He did a Google search on std's so that was obviously for a reason.

At the time I was working part time. I still am and studying for my masters. I finish it thus coming summer and after that I have a year of uni then my career can start. I stayed with him for a few reasons; my 2 DC's now aged 7 and 5, without his financial help I couldn't see a way of continuing my studies, and that I wanted to be completely sure I wouldn't regret leaving the marriage.

I'm now at almost two years into it and it's blatantly obvious to me that I made the wrong decision. I have almost got over the fact that he fell for someone else, and about the sequel contact. What I struggle to get over is the lies he gave me. He made me think I was going mad. He saw it was making me ill( it still is I guess - i get bouts of anxiety over things not just related to our marriage) and he still lied.

I didn't tell anyone about it until much later. Both sets of parents don't know and very few friends. I was embarrassed and also didn't want them to treat him differently. I also didn't want to hurt him.

Now every day I beat myself up about me not being strong enough to tell him to leave. I love him but am certainly not in love with him. I feel like I have list a grip on reality and it's such an awful place to be.

I'm feeling guilty that I have zero sex drive when I'm with him but I find other men attractive, but I don't want another relationship, I just want myself iyswim.

At the time I had many posters giving good advice, AF in particular, but I was too afraid to follow it though. I'm not even sure why I'm posting. Maybe just to get others opinions that I'm not being a drama queen and that when I do leave my marriage it's for a good reason.

[Daria01]

Hi RedLight,

I just wanted to say that if your marriage is making you unhappy, you've every right to decide to leave. The fact that you are unhappy is, in itself, a perfectly "good reason" to leave.

Do you have a good relationships with both sets of parents, I'd start by telling yours if you do. You'll need their support if/when you finally decide to leave.

You should definitely not feel guilty for having no sex drive when it comes to your H. I went through this with my (now ex) OH when he cheated on me. I think it is a perfectly normal response when somebody has betrayed your trust like this.

Re the STIs: did you ever get yourself checked out? You really ought to just in case.

Good luck with the rest of your masters. You will cope financially - I am doing teaching degree and I get quite a lot of financial help from SFE.

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

It's okay.

You're entitled to change your mind and then change it again. And again. We're human.

You can still leave. You're not trapped.

[redlightspellsdanger]

Thanks both.

I don't know why I always think about everyone else's happiness before my own. I need to get out of that. I also need to get out of my head the question of "is my reason valid enough?". Thanks for that.

I will be doing my PGCE Dario. I'm concerned about the effect it will have on the kids if I suddenly start full time study and they have their parents separating. I'm currently always around.

I did get the std checks thankfully.

[PlantsAndFlowers]

If someone has cheated on you and you have not been able to repair the marriage, then that is indeed a 'valid' enough reason to leave.

[however]

Just because you didn't leave then, it doesn't mean you can't leave now.

[JimmyChoosChimichanga]

Leave now. You will find happiness that way. Stay and...well, you already know what that involves. I would struggle to DTD with a partner or DH that had had an affair. For me, he would have ruined that forever and much else besides. See a solicitor and get some advice is the first step, knowledge being power and all. People don't only leave marriages as a flounce, it often is as a result of the situation you have at home, the slow wearing down. Lawyers always say that January is their busiest time as marrieds decide they just can't hack another Christmas like the recent one. That's not flounce, that's realisation dawning - just like you.

[Joysmum]

Why would it be easier for your children to leave later when they are older?

[AnyFucker]

I believe this happens a lot. In the aftermath of an an affair there is too much rationalisation and panicked wish for things to go back to the way they were before. Hysterical bonding has a lot to answer for.

But like you have discovered, how could it ?

You tried, he made it so your love for him that you thought was enough has been eroded

He takes responsibility for that, not you

It was a mistake to not get the whole sordid affair out in the open at the time, but you knew that then and you sure know it now

Start telling people, get support on your own account instead of keeping his dirty little secrets and if you want to end your marriage you can do it any time you like

Personally, I believe your marriage ended the day he gave himself permission to lie to you so profoundly and risk your mental health and that's without going into the physical aspect of ot

[IrianofWay]

You have a good reason to leave your marriage.

The only way to get over an affair is to get honesty and remorse from the cheater. It's not easy even then, without it I would say it's impossible,

[Jan45]

If ever there was a good reason to leave a relationship, this is it, he lied and he cheated and it doesn't sound like he's done much to restore any trust - you do not have to stay out of habit, you clearly have not felt you can move on from this and what's to stop it happening again? Please, think of yourself here and do what is right for YOU.

[Puzzledandpissedoff]

I have almost got over the fact that he fell for someone else, and about the sequel contact. What I struggle to get over is the lies he gave me. He made me think I was going mad

Yes, that's always the killer isn't it? You think you can work it out, but extra lies come creeping out and resentment sets in until you don't know which way is up

My own situation has been incredibly similar, and I understand only too well every word you've said. But you've honestly tried, you know it isn't going to work, and now there's only one sensible course of action to take, sad though that is

[hellsbellsmelons]

I think you took the much harder road post affair.
I tried for a day or 2 I think (was a bit blurred at the time)
Knew I couldn't do it and called time.
You have stayed. You have tried to rebuild your relationship.
You've taken the tougher braver option by far.
But... it's not OK. It's not working for you.
The love is lost. The trust is broken and you now know you can't get it back.
Cut your losses now.
How old are your DC?
HE did this.
YOU tried your best.
I hope you find some peace away from it all.

[Fairenuff]

I think your feelings are perfectly natural, rational and in line with your experiences. I would be worried about someone who did not feel betrayed and violated under these circumstances.

Your husband should be the one person that you can rely on not to hurt you. He should be the one that you confide in, the one that you can trust implicitly. If he is not, there is no special relationship there, no intimate bond. It's just two people living around each other. And, as you say, that's not enough for most of us. We expect better than that from our partners, we deserve better than that.

It's ok to start making plans to leave. Find out where you stand, get legal advice and gather support. This is not your secret to keep, tell your trusted friends and family what has happened, you do not have to hide your true feelings, you have done nothing wrong.

[HappyGoLuckyGirl]

How are you OP?

[redlightspellsdanger]

Thanks for all of your replies and advice.

You are right hells, I think I have taken the harder path. If I had booted him out at the time then we would all be coming out of the other side of this by now.

Your advice has spurred me on to make an appointment with a solicitor. I'm all booked up for Friday 7th Nov (my usually very part time job is quite full on for the next few weeks and half term). I have stuck around for almost two years what's another few weeks I guess?

My DC are 5 and 7 hells.

Joys, you asked why wait to leave. I was thinking I could stick it out. Get some money behind both of us (I am overpaying on the mortgage and don't have a running away fund). We moved earlier on this year, a desperate attempt I guess to put everything behind us, and my 5yo even struggled with me going outside to the outhouse to sort washing when he was in bed. He was so unsettled and that does worry me if we split.

I worry that I will have to move out of the house. I have my support network on my doorstep but the mortgage affordability is not going to work on my low salary. In two years time it will. Just.

I feel guilty that I want to feel physical closeness with other men that are not my DH ( I don't want a relationship) and feel guilty about that.

AF, you said about speaking to parents. My DM will be who I talk to but at the moment we are in the throes of my DSIS's wedding which takes place next month. It's abroad so if DH and I are still hanging on by then it would be very awkward indeed. Not to mention my bridezilla DSIS, so my poor DM has enough stress already.

This this really helped. To everyone else our lives look perfect. Good jobs, beautiful boys, two homes, our health , but some days I just feel like I'm waiting to live MY life and I just feel so selfish.

[Fairenuff]

It's not selfish to want to love and be loved by someone. You signed up for that but he broke the agreement. You did not sign up to live forever with someone who you don't trust or feel that you can be close with.

[AnyFucker]

Don't martyr yourself. Imagine looking back as your on your deathbed and mourning all those wasted years. It's not selfish to seek peace of mind on your own account. It's not like you want to chase some ridiculous pipe dream.

Peace of mind is priceless.

[ImperialBlether]

You have two homes? Would using both of them be an option?

[Jan45]

Stop feeling guilty, he did the worst thing possible to you, he broke it.

[redlightspellsdanger]

Yes, one is a rental. Not ideal but a 2 bed house all the same. I did think that but I end up feeling guilty for the tenant who is lovely.

I need to toughen up I know. It's back to making everyone else happy and not myself. The do need to stop being that martyr as AF says.

Irl I'm known for not messing around and being assertive but with this I just feel so bloody hopeless.

[AnyFucker]

The tenant in your rented properly is not your concern. Really.

[SnakeyMcBadass]

No one can ever say that you haven't tried. And you've tried harder and for longer than most. I am so sorry that he broke your marriage and left you to try and cobble it all back together again. I am so sorry that you've carried the heavy burden of his faithlessness around for two years. But you've wasted enough of your time, and your love, now. It's ok not to want someone who has hurt you so much.

[jayho]

so he can move to the rental, no?

[redlightspellsdanger]

Yes he could. It's not ideal and he wouldn't be happy about that. He is the higher earner but I don't think I should leave the family home ( higher mortgage but family friendly).

[AnyFucker]

"not ideal"

"not happy about it"

and ?