I think my relationship may be dead

[CalmAndConfused]

Hi all,

I'm posting here really as I don't know what else to do. I don't really have anyone I can vent this to.

Things have been bad between me and DH for a long time now. We have periods of being happy, but there is a lot of friction between us, and we seem to have had more bad times than good in our relationship. So as not to drip feed, we have been together since teenage years, and have only ever had a relationship with each other. We have 2 DD's. One who is in preschool and a young baby.

Well my DH has been away with work yesterday and today and I have not missed him at all - in fact in a lot of ways life has been easier. He does virtually nothing round the house/with the kids - so I haven't even had anymore work to do around the house. Anyway, we have barely even talked since he's been away. He rung me for about 5 mins last night. Didn't send me a goodnight text, nothing this morning etc. He said he missed me during the phone call he said he missed me - I skirted the issue as I couldn't even bring myself to say it back. I'm not excited by him coming home today either I am just so lost, sad and confused by this. I don't want to live my life in a relationship which is dead, where the is no excitement or life, but at the same time he's all I've ever know. Since I was 16 I have been with him - it's like contemplating cutting of my arm.

Not sure what I am even posting this for tbh...

[CalmAndConfused]

Sorry for the bad grammar, mistakes etc - trying to get a screaming toddler and baby ready to go out.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sorry things have hit a low. You mention that he ducks household stuff and looking after children. Are these the usual trigger points for the friction you mention? Are there others?

Outside your marriage do you have opportunities for excitement and 'life' - do you have friends, hobbies, personal ambitions (education, career, dreams) - or are you figuratively chained to the kitchen sink looking after children? Is the friction made worse by resentment and boredom? I don't know how long it's been since you were 16 but do you feel you've sold yourself short?

Finally, have you told him how you feel?

[cheerupandhaveaglassofwine]

I could almost have written your post myself they way i feel at the moment with the exception of my DD's being 8 and 10 and having been married 17 years, together 22 since my DW was 17
I can really offer any advice other than it may just be time to face upto that fact that things do come to an end naturally sometimes.
Have been thinking for days about wether to post my situation for advice and just cant do it.

Hope you get some good advice and answers, and i think i probably need to take note of them as well

[Mrwillywonkasbitch]

No advice sorry but I feel the same about my relationship but we've only been together 4 years. The only other difference is my DP does everything for me I should be really lucky but I'm bored

[Fontella]

This is what I was like before I finally called it a day with my ex. I actively encouraged him to go on a two week motorcycling holiday with his mate, even though he kept saying he couldn't go, it 'wasn't fair' on me, leaving me with two small kids, blah blah, I told him not to be daft, he 'deserved' a break (nothing could be further from the truth, he was a lazy git who did nothing to help with kids or around the house, and moaned all the time about having to work for a living) but I would have said anything to get rid of him. 'You go, have a great time, you need a break' etc. etc.

The two weeks' he was away were absolutely bliss - I loved it being just me and the kids.. It took a couple more years and a eureka moment, before I finally got the courage to LTB - but I think the seed was sown in those two weeks. From being depressed, miserable and anxious with him around ... I felt contented and happy with him out of the way.

[CalmAndConfused]

It has been 11 years now since we got together. I do have interests outside of the home. I am going back to uni in September hopefully to pursue my career, something which DH is keen for me to do. I also have one or two close friends, but I don't see them often. When DH is at home everything seems to be on his terms. He is on the autistic spectrum, so everything is planned and in a routine. which drives me mad tbh. There is virtually no spontaneity in our lives.

The friction comes from the lack of help round the house, a lack of physical affection (unless we are having sex), a lack of care etc. I get fed up that he never seems to do anything to show he cares or thinks of me. He tells me he loves me all the time, but it seems it is all talk and no action .

I know it's bad, but I find myself day dreaming about other people, about my life if he wasn't in it, how things would be. But then I feel awful. 1) for the kids and how splitting up would impact them, and 2) for him. He struggles with looking after himself, says he couldn't bare to lose me. I just think how selfish of me to destroy all three of their lives just in case I am happier if we split up. It's so hard, as I can't even guarantee I would be happier.

I have told him how I feel. We have been over everything so many times now. We just go round and round and round. I'm so tiered of it. I have even looked at houses to rent on my own, sort out benefits etc before, and I have told him all this. He then pressures me for an answer as to whether or not I want to separate, and wants me to give an answer there and then, and I just don't know. I'll cry, we'll talk, things will improve slightly for a few weeks, and then we'll be back at square one.

I find myself doing the same Fontella. He will be invited out in evenings by work colleagues and I tell him he should go, and I'm telling him that because I just want a break. He kept trying to get me to say I missed him to last night, and I felt so guilty, but I just couldn't say it. I know when he gets home tonight he'll want to hug me, tell me he missed me and hear it back, and I'm actually dreading it - I wish he was staying away longer.

Fuck, I can't believe I'm at this point. I have absolutely no idea how to move forwards from here. I can't hurt him by saying I want us to split up. I'd feel so guilty

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I can't even guarantee I would be happier"

Happiness is in the eye of the beholder. The only guarantee you have is that, if you do nothing, nothing will change. That's a death sentence for someone who is only 27. You are responsible for yourself and your DCs, not him and not his personal limitations. He is responsible for himself. Currently your DCs are growing up in a home where at least one parent is desperately unhappy. Don't underestimate the impact that has on children. If you are decent people and prepared to cooperate you might be able to salvage a good attitude to co-parenting out of a bad marriage.

If you want a break, how about taking six months out from each other? Give independence a proper try-out all round?

[CalmAndConfused]

I think I probably do underestimate the effects Cogito. I grew up in a household where my father was very abusive to my mother and all us children, so I think my bar of what is good/acceptable has been set pretty low. So how DH is, is much better than how my father treated my mother - though perhaps not good by general standards.

I'm sat here thinking back over our whole relationship, trying to get some perspective, and he is so hit and miss with regards to being supportive. He can work his arse off sometimes to ensure I can do things we both think are important i.e going to uni (he's working 2 jobs atm for example), however there are other times where he can be so unthoughtful it really hurts me. An example is a couple of years ago my Gran was in hospice dying of cancer. The day we had planned to go and see her as she was getting very bad it was snowing very hard, and we lived in a very rural area. DH says we shouldn't go, it was snowing to hard, we may not get home and that can't we re-arrange. I was adamant we go, so we did. On the way back we barely got up the hill to our house (I had to actually get out, dig tacks and then push every few feet) - however I did not care one bit, as it was likely the last time I would ever see my Gran (as it turns out it was the last time I saw her as she died a few weeks later). However DH took the opportunity to tell me that he told me we would get stuck. It still hurts me how unsupportive his was at such an awful time in my life.

On another note, I should be excited and looking forward to my DH coming home right? Even after 11 years do people still have a spark and miss their partners? Do people still get excited to see each other after being together for so many years? I'm sorry for the stupid questions, I just have no idea.

I don't think I could do a trial separation - how do you face telling people that. I feel so embarrassed for the situations I am in... Also perhaps I am just being silly? DH tells me that I wouldn't be happier without him, that it is all down to my anxiety problem that I am on medication for. What if I really do have a good thing, and I am contemplating throwing it away because I can never be happy with what I have got?

[CalmAndConfused]

tracks not tacks* Sorry I have a baby sat on my lap making it hard to type and formulate thoughts properly.

[CalmAndConfused]

Another thing that is on my mind. How do I actually deal with him tonight asking me if I missed him . Do I do what I normally do and end up caving and saying yes I did so as not to hurt him or cause a massive argument. I really don't want to spend the evening with him either being all hurt and sulking, or in a massive argument/discussion about everything that is wrong, where no actual resolution will be reached.

[CalmAndConfused]

Just to touch on your earlier question Cogito as to whether I feel I have 'sold myself short'? Sometimes I think that yes I have. I think there have been several times in the past where I should have ended it, but it didn't happen. I look at my friends relationships, and to tell you the truth if I think about it too long I get very jealous and resentful (I sound like I am a awful person). I think we got together so young, that this has become our life. We have never known anything but this, so how are we meant to go into the unknown. I have always had him by my side, and while things have been rough, I have never been alone when dealing with them. I mean I went right from living with my mum to living with him, and ditto for him. If I could I would ensure that our DDs grow up, move out, find themselves before getting into a serious relationship, because I think moving in with him at 17, even if I had wanted to, there was no real way to break up...

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"I should be excited and looking forward to my DH coming home right? "

I think so. At the very least you shouldn't be dreading it. If you have anxiety problems, you must have considered that being in an unhappy marriage and feeling trapped with 'no real way to break up' is extremely stressful?

I wouldn't tell anyone to move in with someone at 17. You were both children and, in your case, your main model for an adult relationship was one where abuse was present. You'd had no experience of living as an adult, let alone an independent adult, so how were you supposed to know what happy married life was supposed to look like? When I think back to the boys I was dating at 17, they were pleasant enough. But was I in a position to make as big a life decision as who to spend the rest of my life with?... not at all.


You don't need to be abused to end a relationship. You don't need to ask his permission. He is quite happy for you to feel unhappy - why are his feelings more important? How do you face people and say you're separated?.... you look them between the eyes and say 'it wasn't working out'. A high proportion of relationships fail and a lot of those friends that you think are in great relationships are probably experiencing problems behind closed doors.

Finally... if your DDs did leave home at 17 and go live with some boy and then a couple of years later say it's not working out, would you say 'come back home' or would you say 'you've made your bed, so lie in it'? I guarantee it wouldn't be the latter.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

Verbal communication is often harder for someone on the spectrum than written communication, or so I once read somewhere. With big issues to discuss could you lay the ground in writing, a letter or email, perhaps? That way DH has more time to process what you want to say and to organise his thoughts so he can respond.

He couldn't bear this, he predicts that - if he struggles with accepting your reality that doesn't mean you don't have valid reasons for wanting change.

I actually wonder if, once separated, he wouldn't adapt rather well. Freedom to pursue his preferred way of doing things. Not being unsettled by spontaneity. Non-resident parent who isn't in the hubbub of family life but is a better father by coping better with fewer hours' contact - you're doing most of the work anyway, you'd actually benefit from a chunk of time to yourself when he has them?

[thisisnow]

I think we got together so young, that this has become our life. We have never known anything but this, so how are we meant to go into the unknown

I am in a similar position myself (no kids) and I moved in with him when I was 21, not as young as you were but still young enough.

The problem I'm having and it sounds similar to yours is that I don't know of a life without him, don't know if it will be better/worse? What you say about losing your right arm if you're not with him, that's how I feel as I've never been on my own.

You're situation sounds a little different though as you have children and you seem to be happier when he's not around?

[CalmAndConfused]

Thisisnow You've summed up how I feel. I have no idea of life without him, and what it would feel like, look like etc. I am less stressed when he's not around that's for sure. I feel more free, like a weight has been lifted. I'm not having to tend to his needs, the kids needs and then have no time for me. Atm when he's here I look after the kids all day, then when they are in bed, I feel I have to switch over and look after him, with no time to fully explore me or what I want. I come last on my list, but also I'm a long way down his list too (or so it feels).

again though I'm not sure if I would be happier if I wasn't with him...

Arg I just feel so lost and confused

[Sickoffrozen]

A life without him can't be much worse than a life with him can it?

Thisisnow-if you feel like this end it and move on before you have kids!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"again though I'm not sure if I would be happier if I wasn't with him... "

You just said you feel less stressed when he's not around.

Are you really saying you don't think you'd meet someone new? Find love again? No-one would take you on with two DCs? You'd struggle to care for 2 DCs single-handed? Finances?

Break down what the fear really is... see if it's rational.

[CalmAndConfused]

I think I'm just worried about making the wrong decision. I struggle with making decisions anyway due to my anxiety disorder.

[thisisnow]

Does he do anything to help you with the kids? You say it's you doing all the work? No wonder you don't miss him if he makes you do everything!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You will sometimes regret making the wrong decision.

You will always regret making no decision at all.

[cheerupandhaveaglassofwine]

It really shouldnt be so difficult, but when you have fallen in love young and made a good go of things then facing up to things not quite been right as the years pass is really hard to do.

My wife is my best friend and its really only a total lack of sex, passion and even any enthusiasm during sex from her that hurts, i do love her and think if i say anything about being unhappy then it will really hurt her and be completely out of the blue, i think the problem is after so long together even though i love her i am not in love with her anymore as a partner.

I havent known any different for the last 22 years other than being with her, still cant decide what if anything to do, guess my main worry is breaking the family up and the effect it will have on my girls

Like you i am so worried about making the wrong decision and causing pain and hurt to those i care about

[scallopsrgreat]

CalmAndConfused your life seems to be run on his terms (as you said yourself). It seems you have very little input into how family life is shaped and your wishes/needs are ignored. You have very little control.

Making a decision alone will regain some of that control. And making a decision to stop the relationship will allow you far more control over your own life. Surely that would make you happier. At the moment, what is he adding to your life?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

The decision you make, of course, is not necessarily to split up. It might be to stick around, give it another try, go to counselling, get a job, make new friends, whatever... The crucial thing is though that you make a conscious choice one way or another rather than carrying on in limbo land getting more and more unhappy.

[CalmAndConfused]

Things do seem to be done around he wishes, wants and needs. Thinking bout it it feels like living with a good friend. The kids seem to be very much my responsibility. If they are crying for example or need a nappy change, it is never him who just gets on and deals with it. He will watch them if I ask while I hoover or something, and play with them, but that is about it. He doesn't feed them, bath them , dress them, change them, put them to bed. He will take our eldest DD on walks at the weekend sometimes. It kills me when I see my brother and his wife who have just had a baby, how much more involved he is with his child.

I think tbh my decision is to either stay and accept things will always be like this, and if things improve be glad, but not to expect it...or to leave. We have spent years talking about it, trying to change things, but we always seem to end up back at this point.

[CalmAndConfused]

his wishes
about, not bout

Writing is really not my strong point today.