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Relationships

Am I just being weird?

31 replies

Arainyday · 02/10/2014 01:44

My DH is moody when he's tired and will be completely short tempered if I try to talk to him as I'm getting ready for bed, if he's already in bed. He feels his sleep is very important and even if he's just turned the light out, so is obviously not asleep yet, he will be quite rude if I talk to him as he says it disturbs his sleep.

He went to bed at 10pm and I followed an hour later. Normally I'm only about 15 minutes behind him as I have to wash off make up etc. But tonight I remembered I was due for my fortnightly laser treatment so stayed up until 11 to sort that out.

Just gone midnight I was woken suddenly to feel my DH pulling the duvet off me and squeezing my breast closest to him. I woke with a shock and involuntarily and sharply raised my hand closest to him, I suppose as a protective mechanism. I've recently broken that arm so it really hurt to move so quickly, which made me yelp in pain.

DH said he didn't hurt my hand and I explained that it was my sudden movement that hurt; but what on earth was his doing? He said he was only half asleep and turned over in a strop. I can only imagine he wanted sex or was dreaming, both of which I've never experienced with him in all the years we've been together.

I felt violated though and wanted to cry. I also felt angry that he felt it is ok for him to wake me out of my sleep in the middle of the night, when he gives me such a hard time for even talking after 10pm! I rationalised my emotions as being due to my sexual abuse as a child, and was a bit autopsies at my own strength of reaction.

But it made me wonder if such strength of feeling is so misguided? It feels like what he did was wrong although I'm sure many people would laugh and tell me how lucky I am to be woken for sex. I just don't feel it in this instance and am confused as to why not.

Can anyone help me make sense of this?

OP posts:
Arainyday · 02/10/2014 01:46

Oh - I wasn't autopsied - I was surprised! Autocorrect obviously wanted to add in its penny's worth!

OP posts:
Flexibilityisquay · 02/10/2014 04:55

You are not being weird. That was a horrible thing for him to have done. He assaulted you while you were at your most vulnerable. To give him the benefit of the doubt though is it possible he was asleep?

Coughle · 02/10/2014 05:40

From your description it was obviously an accident though, no? I can understand that you feel upset but I don't get the impression he woke you on purpose, certainly not that he assaulted you. Can you talk to him about it when you're both awake?

mutternutter · 02/10/2014 06:44

Sounds abusive

Arainyday · 02/10/2014 07:04

It did feel like a personal violation at the time, but I wasn't sure if that was because of my past and being hypersensitive about that sort of thing.

I talked to him and he said that he saw me look at him and smile, so he went for it. I reminded him that he told me at the time that e had been half asleep, so he then changed it to say he saw my eyes wide open, I smiled at him, he must've rolled over and got sleepy then a split second later started making moves while I was still awake.

I told him he was either lying or dreaming it as I was well and truly asleep wth my eyes firmly shut! He swears blind he saw my eyes open, but as he was saying it I couldn't even see his eyes in the darkened room, so just don't know what to make of it.

I am guessing he won't try it again like that because he got the unpleasant reaction, but I am still not feeling that good about it and never wanted to have any bad feelings surrounding sex, so feel quite disappointed by it all too.

OP posts:
violetlights · 02/10/2014 07:14

So sorry for your past experiences OP, that's awful.

But I wanted to say it doesn't sound abusive to me at all. If this happened to me (and yes, it would be extremely unusual in all my years with DP!!!) I wouldn't assume any kind of abuse. I may be wrong, but I would think he's either that kind of man or he isn't. (And I presume he isnt kind of man??) I might be ratty at being woken or I might be pleasantly surprised depending on my mood. Maybe your DP was expecting a different reaction, and was hurt or embarrassed? The only time (or two) I've done this myself with DP over 20 years, he was thrilled. Surprised but thrilled.

I really think you should talk to him and explain your reaction and ask him what he was doing. I'm guessing he would be mortified by the idea he 'assaulted' you as another poster suggested. I know my DP would be. Hopefully a frank talk will make things clearer and a lot less sinister.

But yes, he was BU too wake you anyway when he's so precious about his own sleep! Thanks

violetlights · 02/10/2014 07:14

Sorry cross post OP!

Justwhateverreally · 02/10/2014 07:15

This sounds very unpleasant OP and it does sound as though your H was doing it more deliberately than he originally suggested, which isn't great.
You're not over reacting. As someone said above, it is assault when you are at your most vulnerable. I'd find this damaging to my trust in the person involved.

WitchWay · 02/10/2014 07:15

You can have your eyes open while asleep - you wouldn't be able to tell as you'd be asleep IYSWIM. You would look awake in a dim room to someone else.

Sassyb0703 · 02/10/2014 07:16

It seems pretty sure that whatever he did, it wasn't 'assault'. Sounds to me like he was having a dream or wanting sex, as you suggest and got knocked back in no uncertain terms (if it was a furtive advance)I am confused as to how he would initiate dtd if the man you share your life and bed with is accused of assault for putting his hand on your boob . Your reaction is a bit ott, but as you have issues from the past, maybe exploring these with a professional would be more appropriate than accusing dp of assault when the chances were he was at least half asleep.

Justwhateverreally · 02/10/2014 07:17

I guess the key question is, does he understand and respect your feelings and reaction? Will he apologise for misjudging the situation?

PedantMarina · 02/10/2014 07:45

I'm keeping an open mind about the groping, but he was BU over waking you when he's so precious about it.

I don't like that his story is changing by the minute; that more than anything is making my spidey-senses tingle.

It's possible that you're "over-sensitive" since you were abused when younger. But what's every bit as likely* is that an abuser targets a victim/survivor, as it'd be easy to make such a person doubt themselves.

*more likely? less? I don't have statistics.

Does he show any other signs of pushing boundaries? What's life with him like, in general? You don't have to tell us (but feel free to!); just turn that over in your mind a bit.

LadyLuck10 · 02/10/2014 08:04

I think the posters saying assault is really ridiculous and ott which might make you more paranoid. It seems like he wanted sex and you had just got into bed. Have you never just reached over to him when you felt in the mood or is it always confirm before hand. I think it's more that he's ok with disturbing your bedtime routine that's making you more angry.

Tryharder · 02/10/2014 08:14

Come on ladies, a DH putting his hand on his DW's breast whilst they are lying in bed together does not equal assault.

How do you all manage to have sex??!!!

CuriouSir · 02/10/2014 08:24

I would make sure you get him to sign a contract in triplicate in front of witnesses next time he wants to touch you.

violetlights · 02/10/2014 09:15

Also I should add that in my relationship it would be irrelevant whether I was asleep or not. (And visa versa.) It would never be 'assault' it would be initiating sex...

Arainyday · 02/10/2014 09:23

CuriousSir - yeah, piss-taking really helps, thanks.

Pedant, the way he was changing his account also unnerved me a bit, and it's true his double standard regarding respecting sleep made me feel angry. When he has two rules (one for me and a much more favorable one for him) I feel a sense of injustice and being put upon.

I hadn't expected to react like that; I'm normally absolutely up for it unless there's a really good reason not to. Perhaps it was the disorientation of waking up to it.

One thing I have learned is that it's possible to sleep with the eyes open, so maybe DH is telling the truth after all!

OP posts:
PedantMarina · 02/10/2014 09:31

How did I know that the sleep thing was the tip of the double-standard iceberg...

Want to describe some other ones further?

Listen, OP, this is important. It's not the grope that's the real issue here, and I'm sorry that people are getting so fixated on it that the bigger issues aren't being addressed. What he's done since is lie to you about it. Also, you report that he'd never done this sort of thing before in the years you've known him.

May I venture a guess that something has happened recently that might put you "under his power" more? Pregnancy, for instance, or a recent bereavement or life-change on your part?

Arainyday · 02/10/2014 09:56

Well we've got two children but none of them born this year, so no recent pregnancy.

I've also got an enduring life-long illness that I didn't have when we first met. I lost so much as a result of that; the career I loved, my physical and mental ability - or at least my ability to rely on my physical and mental strengths to be consistent anymore, sadly even some close friends who couldn't cope with my diagnosis. So I live below-par and to some degree more vulnerable than I ever dreamt I would be in my adult life.

Other double standards are things like him getting angry at me for not leaving him a note (when I popped out for a few hours) saying when I will be back in the house, on a day that he has already left the house for half a day without telling me where he is or when he will be back with the kids!

Memory recall isn't my strongest point these days! But it's fair to say that I find myself saying "what's good for the goose is good for the gander" quite a lot, but I can't always think of all the reasons for saying it, I just know it gets said a fair bit.

OP posts:
Arainyday · 02/10/2014 09:58

And I know it's not relating to this topic, but whenever I am very ill he gets extra horny for some strange reason. Normal people would normally back off when someone is ill, but he seems to do the opposite.

OP posts:
kaykayblue · 02/10/2014 10:04

I find it really creepy that some people are saying "Buy you know guise, this is NORMAL. This is just a guy trying it oooooooon".

Seriously? That is fucked up. What sort of person starts groping an unconscious partner? Urgh. I love having sex with my partner, but if he tried it on with me whilst I was unconscious there would be hell to pay.

LEGALLY, sexual contact with someone who is unconscious is assault, because that person cannot consent. Happily for women, this is 2014 and not 1900, and a persons right to consent still exists within marriage.

I think you should reiterate to your partner that:

a) For someone who is so fucking PRECIOUS about their sleep, he seems to have a remarkable disrespect for yours, waking you in the middle of the night just because he decided he had carnal urges.

b) Tell him he should be touching you ONLY when you are conscious. Clearly fucking conscious. If he ever does it again, you will ensure that sex is the last thing on his mind for a long, long time.

I would personally recommend kneeing him hard in the balls (if B comes into play). You can always play it off with a "oh, sorry. I was dreaming that some sleazy shithead was trying to assault me..."

Arainyday · 02/10/2014 10:06

That made me laugh!

OP posts:

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kaykayblue · 02/10/2014 10:06

If double standards are par of the course, download a secure notepad (which will require a password for access), and write down each thing as it happens.

That way you can look back and realise if this is very common, less common than you thought, or quite rare in reality.

exWifebeginsat40 · 02/10/2014 10:18

i'm sorry but I can't see how a man touching his wife's breast is assault. I of course don't know the ins and outs of your relationship but, really?

kaykayblue i think there's a difference between 'unconscious' and 'asleep' in this context. my partner and i tend to snuggle and move around in our sleep - i wouldn't consider him cupping my breast or giving it a squeeze as i slept to be anything approaching sexual assault. likewise, noting down incidences of 'double standards' does not seem to me to be usual in a loving relationship. Is there a monthly debrief to discuss the state of play? what purpose does this serve?

OP you say you have memory problems. is your DH helpful around this? it doesn't sound healthy to be fixating on 'sauce for the goose' when you can't actually recall the reason for thinking it.

how much support do you have with your diagnosis? it seems to me that things are getting on top of you.

just my opinion.

Arainyday · 02/10/2014 10:31

ExWife: I've been feeling a little better recently and have a reasonable support. I've largely found ways to manage the memory issues in normal every day, do I don't think if describe myself as currently not coping.

OP posts:
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