Help me. Just found sex/meet up messages on husband's PC.

[Kracken]

In shock. Have just gone onto Gmail on husbands PC and there was a new account there which he has created. Lots of messages to and from women via a 'cougar' dating website and Craigslist. Sexually explicit messages and photos and some stuff about meeting up.

Background (and will try not to drip feed but very upset and confused so may do), I instigated a separation about 2 months ago but we remained living in the same house for logistical and financial reasons. Husband didn't want to separate and told me he loved me, wanted to be with me, that we should try again for the kids (two DDs aged 3 and 7). I stood firm as very unhappy and felt it was the right thing for me to do.

10 days ago I broke down, couldn't stop crying and shaking, made it into work but was immediately sent home. Saw my GP. Signed off work for 2 werks and prescribed anti-depressants which I have been on for 10 days and are working, feeling calmer and kept taking to husband about how I could see improvements and if I was unwell the separation should be put on hold for a bit as my judgement whilst depressed could well be wrong. He agreed, seemed pleased, we started to hug and kiss a bit but still in separate rooms as I have bad insomnia at the moment. Today I saw a psychiatrist who diagnosed me as severely depressed and suggested a range of therapies. I have a history of depression over the last 10 years or so. Got home, talked it all through with husband. All seemed positive, I get help and marriage will probably be ok. Husband very supportive. I apologised for putting him through all this and tried to explain how I was feeling and what depression can do to someone/how it can affect their life. He seemed to understand.

Now I find these messages. I felt too sick to read everything but it looks like the most recent one was sent yesterday. It was all about how much he would like to meet this woman and go down on her, exactly what he'd like to do etc. I think he has messaged at least six women. What the fuck do I do? He is out, I texted saying what I'be found. I am now hiding in my room (have asked him not to come to talk tonight as I just don't know what to do). He has texted saying he can explain, 'please don't get upset' and we can talk tomorrow. I feel gutted and betrayed. We have been together for 7 years and as far as I know he had always been faithful and so have I. As far as I understood we have been working on 'us' for the past 10 days and looking to the future. We even discussed booking a holiday this morning for when I am feeling better.

I would really appreciate some guidance here. Thank you.

[Justwhateverreally]

Hi, so sorry, hand holding until the MN hit squad arrives.
It sounds as though he is smothering you tbh. You'd probably feel a lot better if you had rid of him. What would your life feel like without him in your house, do you think?

[Kracken]

Thanks just. When I wanted to separate I thought I would be happier without him but I can't trust my judgement at the moment. I don't know if I can trust him either now. He has his faults, like me, like anyone but I have always trusted him.

[questions2008]

Oh kraken what an awful thing to find when you are already dealing with so much.

Of course he can explain... he'll have all evening to come up with explanations and knowing what a vulnerable state you're in, will try to take advantage of that. I don't see how any explanation can change what he has done.

I was going to ask how long he'd been messaging these women, how old the account was, but really all of that are just details and don't excuse his behaviour.

[Justwhateverreally]

You can totally trust your judgement and you can totally not trust him.

Listen to your inner voice. What is it saying? Is it, 'get the hell out of here!' ?
Listen to it. Trust yourself.

You are allowed to end a relationship without a 'reason' btw. You can say 'because I want to'. That is enough.

[Kracken]

Thanks so much for replying questions. The stupid thing is that I have been feeling so guilty for putting him through the separation stuff and about him having a wife with depression. Today he asked me if I realised what a 'dark place' I'd sent him to when I said I wanted to separate. Right, he is in such a dark place but he still feels able to message women about oral sex!

I have just looked at the Craigslist personal ads which is what he has been responding to (he may have actually posted an ad himself, not sure) and they are disgusting. Pictures of cocks etc and graphic descriptions of sexual activity. I am not a prude but it's really awful stuff.

[AnyFucker]

He was in such a "dark place" he felt impelled to sleaze about setting up God Knows What with God Knows Who ?

Don't you dare take the blame for this

He saw an opportunity to shag around and took it wholeheartedly. What a low life.

[Kracken]

My inner voice is saying run. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do that right now though.

[AnyFucker]

You don't have to run anywhere. Get this opportunistic sexual incontinent out and then you will start to feel clearer about what you want out of this.

[Kracken]

anyfucker thanks. I know I need to stay strong and not accept his excuses. Which I expect will be along the lines of 'you dumped me, I was devastated, I thought we were over, I was never going to actually meet any of them, you and I haven't had sex for ages....' etc etc

[Kracken]

'Opportunist sexual incontinent' has made me smile through the tears!!!

[Justwhateverreally]

Send him back to the dark place and wave goodbye.

I suspect you'll find that he manages to discover a little light one way or another once he realises you're serious.

[AnyFucker]

Someone who is "devastated" does not take his cock in his hand and start offering it out to all takers on the internet

They just don't

[Vivacia]

I really, really feel for you. You have been blaming your ill health for the condition of the relationship, and all of the time his actions have been like this.

If comes back with, "You told me it was over, sending dirty messages was the only way I could cope with you" I'd reply, "Good point. Bye".

[seasavage]

Even IF he only set up the email as some desperate 'woe is me' reaction in the last ten days. Then gross. 2 months (and less) is no time to feel it's all hopeless for him / even to be THAT sexually frustrated (which again, no reason to go looking for meet ups per se).
Plus messages from within the timeframe you mentioned of your decision to address your health issues first?
He doesn't seem exceptionally serious about working through the problems that got you both to here.

[questions2008]

Good that you know that whatever he's going to say are excuses and nothing else. It doesn't matter what he has or hasn't done, he's broken your trust in a very disgusting way and all the time whilst you thought you might be working on "us" he was hedging his bets. If you let him get away with it this time, and the relationship hits another rough patch in the future, for whatever reason, what faith will you have in him to not do the same? That's what he's done.

As hard as it may seem, not having him around will make it a lot easier for you deal with what he's done, and look after yourself.

[something2say]

The only qs I would want to ask is, why were you so unhappy before finding this out? If the marriage or your life now upsets you, that may be why you feel depressed. Settling back down with him wouldn't be the answer regardless of what he is doing.. X

[Kracken]

Thanks so much for these points. I made myself check the email account again and it was set up on 2 september which was one month after we separated and I then had my breakdown type thing last monday and since then we have been talking most days about giving it another go etc. The last message on that account was sent yesterday. I can't tell if he's actually met anyone but he has said things like 'OK shall I come over to your place'. He works from home and sets his own hours so cam pretty much come and go as he pleases.

The main point here is that he's showed how little he really cares about our marriage, my mental state and moving forward. I don't understand how someone who cared about these things would send messages to random women in the way that he has. I guess I will just have to see what he says tomorrow (and I promise to update here!). I really did trust him too. Fucker.

[Kracken]

something I was thinking that my depression could have been clouding my judgement and negatively affecting my relationship so perhaps it was unwise to decide to separate with these underlying issues? For example, I have not been able to communicate well with him or show affection for several months whereas I have been able to do that previously. But maybe I should just go with my instinct and reinstate the separation. Or, do some therapy and then decide?

[lavenderhoney]

He shouldn't be putting you through all this crap when you aren't well. People who love you don't do that.

They also don't lay a load of guilt at your door " staying for the children, its been so hard for me' and then find solace in messaging other women for sex.

He really ought to piss off and leave you alone, because to put it mildly, he's not helping you at all, but he appears to think telling you what you want to hear and perhaps what he knows he ought to say is more convenient for him.

Do you have any rl friends and family to support you?

Also, you were unhappy before. Now you've found this out. How bad does it have to get, for you? what do you, at heart, want to do now? Its ok to say nothing. But, its not your fault. You haven't been texting om and sending money shots have you? No. Exactly.

[kaykayblue]

Kracken - he sounds like an absolute piece of shit.

Nothing can justify those messages. Literally, nothing. Don't let him "explain". He will spin some pretty words, and then cry, and then most likely blame you (somehow..), then guilt trip you, then ask you for one more chance..

vomit.

You saw what he was writing WITH YOUR OWN EYES. Are you going to believe what you see with your eyes, or what he tells you?

You have been depressed. But you have also been actively seeking help, and trying to keep him up to date as much as you could.

He, meanwhile, has been using sleazy meet up sites for sex.

Make sure you get screenshots of the explicit messages, especially when he says things like "I'll come to your place".

Then divorce the fuck out of him on grounds of infidelity.

And maybe...after everything is settled down....you might want to accidentally post them to his mother?

Okay, so maybe the last one is just me.

[Only1scoop]

'Ok ....shall I come over to your place' in the emails

If be sending him over to 'whosever' place with a huge bow attached....and no return to sender tag....

Dreadful behaviour and no doubtedly now you have found him at it will be pushed further under stones.

So sorry op ....sounds like you have enough on your plate without this.

[borisgudanov]

He thinks getting his end away is more important than looking after his family. He has made his choice. Let him live with it. Twat.

[BexWex]

Kracken, were these messages before you told him it was over or after?

[AnyFucker]

I think that makes very little difference here, tbh