Any ladies out there have experience of their partner fathering child via one night stand? Please share

[SandyJ2014]

Hello all, my partner of a year has just found out he is potentially the father of a child conceived during a one night stand. To be clear, there is no infidelity on his part! The one night stand occurred before we got together. Mother of the child is more or less a random who tracked him down via friend of a friend of a friend of a friend etc. She has been upfront that there are 2 other guys that could be the father.

My partner and I both had STD tests before we started having unprotected sex and got the all clear, so no worries there!

He is going to get a paternity test etc. I'm not looking for any advice as to what his role should be but rather any ladies who have been flung into a similar position in a relationship and your thoughts/experiences of the same.

Thanks for your input :-)

[newbieman1978]

No advice as I'm a man, this is the nightmare scenario for a man. But once you father a child in whatever scenario you have to step up.

Great advert for contraception, in fact I'm going to show my son!

[seasavage]

No personal experience but a friend was landed with a possible child after a brief fling. I (and others) counselled caution. He was very excited about the idea, the woman really was looking for financial support he was hoping for a role in the child's life. It turned out he isn't the dad.
I'd get a paternity test result first, then your OH can consider his position ( if he is the father there will be a financial implication).

For you this must be a shock. I imagine how he responds to potential fatherhood might give you a different outlook on his past and how you might view your own possible future.

Have you talked with your partner about children together?

[SandyJ2014]

Thank you seasavage. Absolutely agree that paternity test is the first stage. She approached him via social networking site and one of the first things she asked for was money. She also seems keen on emotional involvement. He did some detective work and was told that there were other guys in the running and broached the issue with her saying, very respectfully, that he would like a paternity test before proceeding.

Yes, this is a shock. I am frankly devastated. Yes, we have talked about having children together. He has pledged that this won't affect our plans in respect of this.

[bonzo77]

Sort of. My ex had a ONS with his ex about a month before we met. They had split very acrimoniously long before then, this was drink related, they had mutual friends. When they were together she's been on the pill. She wasn't at the time of the ONS, hadn't told him, and he as usual did not take any initiative re contraception. She told him she was pregnant when she was 5 months. Once the baby arrived he was informed via the grape vine. She later applied via the CSA for maintenance. After a dna test he paid up. The relationship remained acrimonious. Ex did not want contact because of the mother. Mother did not want contact. Ex continued to pay. He has made sporadic attempts at contact, but now believes the child has been "poisoned" against him. I last had contact with ex about a year ago, the child was about 13 then and there had been no change.

I really was in denial about the whole thing. Really he was too. I think if I'd had any sense I'd have ended it before the baby was born. Mostly for other reasons, but this didn't help. Now I look back I cannot understand why he was happy to have nothing to do with his child. He's now got a child with his current partner, is clearly besotted. I'd love to know how that colours his feelings about his first child. We split for all kinds of reasons. But one (at the back of my mind) was that I was 30, wanted children, and wasn't sure I wanted to have them with a man who could walk away from his first child so easily.

I'm not saying you should walk away. But realise that this will be an ever evolving situation over which you have no say, but you will have to live with. It may well necessitate contact with the mother, and the child (your step child!), constraints on your plans and finances. And if your boyfriend has been casual about contraception once, he may have done it more than once. So he's not got an STI. But could he have other children. And who is responsible for your contraception now? Is that ok?

[cantpolishaturd]

My daughter is 16 and the product of a New Year's Eve hook up when I was 17 (the guy was a friend of a friend)

As you can imagine it was a bit of a nightmare scenario as I'm from a good loving home and trying to explain that to my parents was cracking.

I decided to go ahead with the pregnancy and let her father know through our mutual friend. He denied the child being his etc. A DNA test proved she was but he wasn't interested.

She has never met her father and he has never paid a penny towards her upbringing as I didn't think it fair as he didn't get a say in my choice to continue with the pregnancy.
He now has a stepson in the same school as my daughter and he knows who she is as does she about him. My daughter does get hurt when he walks past her as though she doesn't exist which I struggle with as the circumstances of her conception are not her fault.

It must of come as a huge shock, just wanted to add my bit as whatever happens bear a thought for the child, which I'm sure you will
Hope it works out for you

[SandyJ2014]

Thanks bonzo. V interesting. My contraception is sorted so won't be any probs with that unless I am extremely extremely unlucky! Bit of a diff situation from ours in a way as your ex's situation involved an ex partner of his and was v acrimonious . This dynamic in that situation I think is quite different albeit the same outcome. I think this situation is a lot easier in a way as no relationship history etc. I totally get your point re this is an ever evolving situation and I have discussed this issue with my partner.

[SandyJ2014]

Thank you cantpolishaturd. Lovely, caring post and good advice. Best wishes to you and your daughter

[x2boys]

My friends daughter was conceived during a one night stand the parents weren't strangers as they had gone to school together it was all a bit of a mess the father didn't want to know h had a girlfriend his daughter was born on his 21 st birthday and to my knowledge he has never met her and she is now 21 it all just seems so sad my friends daughter is very happy and adjusted but the situation is just a bit sad its a shame she doesn't know her dad his choice though!

[SandyJ2014]

Thanks for your post. That does sound sad and very poignant that daughter was born on his 21st birthday. Glad she is thriving despite the sadness

[MiniTheMinx]

When I was 17 I met a man who I stayed with for four years. We were very happy but I was too young and he wanted marriage, babies and forever. We split and during this time he met what can only be described as a person with huge issues. She was later diagnosed BPD and bi-polar. She got pregnant but didn't know until after they split. In the meantime he and I had got back together when one day the news arrived.

I begged him to support her (because I now knew she needed a lot of support) and to pay for and see his child. He refused and didn't want anything to do with it or her. I stayed with him for another year but his attitude towards this child and it's mother changed my opinion of him. Later when I got to know her (weird circs) I found I liked her, she had suffered years of abuse, went from one bad relationship to another, had very little help from her family and struggled through life. Sadly, all three of her children ended up in care. I said to "him" on hearing this "how do you feel about this, you/we could have done something" he still couldn't give a damn.

So please, support your DP and ensure he do the right thing by this child if it proves to be his. Forget who shagged who, why or when and just think about what is in the interests of the child.

[newbieman1978]

MiniTheMinx your post has made me quite emotional, that is such a sad story. :-(

[Whatthefucknow]

this is the nightmare scenario for a man
Yes newbie, must be particularly nightmarish for a man
FFS
Is there some part of you that thinks it isn't a thousand times worse for a woman? Wise up buddy

[coraltoes]

Whatthefucknow oh ffs, he hasn't said it is worse for a man than a woman has he? He said it is a nightmare scenario, and is empathising. Try not to perpetuate the mumsnet stereotype of man hating, it is refreshing to have a male perspective on relationship threads and it would be nice if we could read a male comment without it being men vs women all the fucking time.

[Flyawaylittlebutterfly]

Whattefucknow; it is much worse for the man, he doesn't have the option of abortion to prevent unwanted parenthood and the financial and emotional implications involved. Women have choice which is the much better deal.

[Whatthefucknow]

Ok then. How about this is a nightmare scenario?
I don't see that there is any harm bringing some awareness to newbies life.
What is mumsnet if not consciousness awakening?
Why say this is a nightmare scenario for a man?
No shit. It's a nightmare scenario for anyone.
I didn't know mumsnet was stereotyped as man hating
How is it man hating to point out a wildly sexist statement.
So what if it's by a man. I'd highlight it if it was by a woman too. although no woman would say something that dumb

[Whatthefucknow]

Every man has the option of preventing unwanted parenthood little butterfly. It's called contraception or not having sex.
Everyone who has sex knows there is a risk of pregnancy unless they have been sterilised or whatever. The consequences of an unwanted pregnancy are in my humble opinion much more difficult for a woman who has no option to walk away as a couple of PPs have described and is left with the burden of either deciding to have an abortion or have a pregnancy and child to rear most likely singlehanded.

[SandyJ2014]

All, thanks for input. Whatthefucknow, thank you for your posts and your opinion.

Not directed at you, but could I very respectfully ask that the posts going forward focus on women and men sharing their experiences as this is what I desperately need and it's distracting for my present situation to focus on the broader issues as it were. Perhaps that should be the subject of a different thread. Best :-)

[SandyJ2014]

Just to clarify, it is of course relevant.... High burden does fall on both parties in this situation I just want the thread to focus on sharing experiences rather than becoming more political. Needing support and guidance ??

[Whatthefucknow]

I know a couple of people this has happened to sandy. If it turns out he is the dad then you are ahead of the curve so to speak knowing about it now not when the child is older.
It's a good sign that she has been honest about not knowing who the dad is as she is clearly not trying to pin fatherhood on anyone but wants clarity so that whoever is the dad will have the opportunity of knowing their child from the get go.
There is a chapter in Not Just Friends about children born out of affairs and I think the advice there could apply here ie that the child is treated the way you would treat a child from a previous relationship.
If it turns out your dp is the father then I presume he takes up the financial responsibility he is liable for and if he wants he could see about sharing the parenting.
I know it's not ideal for you but actually my sisters dp had a child from previous relationship and she wasn't too thrilled initially but as it turns out they haven't been able to have kids and so now they are v happy with him in their lives. You never know how these things will pan out.
In the other hand a mate of mines dh got an ex pregnant on a ONS and has had limited decreasing to nil contact with that child although does contribute financially I believe.
What are your feelings sandy?

[UpUpAndAway123]

Not exactly the same situation but my BIL had a ONS about 6 years ago (whilst with my sis); I won't go into ins and outs but they split for a while then got back together (and are still together). It has been difficult for sis but it was obviously her choice. BIL is very much involved with child x

[SandyJ2014]

Whatthefucknow, thank you for your post. I found the point you made about your dsis v. poignant. I don't have children. Maybe we won't be able to have children.....and would feel the same as your dsis and her dp. You asked what my feelings are. Truthfully, they are all over the place. I want my partner to have a life that is content and settled and consistent. To me that means a good relationship with his child. I want to support him with this. At the same time, I can see like another poster pointed out, that this will complicate my life with him. Money at the moment is incredibly tight for us. Child support, and can I just say for the avoidance of doubt that he will pay, will put a big strain on the finances causing stress and pressure. the mother of he child is obviously and very understandably in an incredibly difficult situation and it seems quite difficult to communicate with her calmly. Hopefully this will get better but what if it doesn't....I'm not sure if can handle that stress throughout my life...but. I love him. And to think of something that is 50% him makes me feel a little giddy (in a nice way)! And truly it would break my heart for him to do this without me. I guess I am just very frightened.

Upupandaway123 this is very interesting. Do you have any more info on how your sister coped with this situation. Pls share if you can.

[Whatthefucknow]

Hmm a very stressful time for you both then. What I can tell you for sure is that the immediate fright you're suffering will ease in time as everything surely does. I'd imagine you won't know for def for a good bit, six months or so?
I'd try to put it out of the front of your mind for now if possible. When things like this happen it can sometimes serve to bring your relationship into v clear focus and gives you the opportunity to be very rational and pragmatic about what you want.
Bottom line is that you can walk away from this even if he can't.
But equally it is something that a strong relationship could handle.
I'd be doing some sleuthing to get more info about the mum. Although as you point out, how she is at the mo isn't necessarily indicative if how she will be in the future.
I'd want to know has she any support in place? Will she want a lot or a little involvement from the dad? Has she a new partner? Has she any other children? There are so many variables and they will factor. Does she live near you guys?
You might find Not Just Friends of some use because one thing that needs to be well established is the boundaries between your dp and her.
Best of luck

[newbieman1978]

Oh shit I didn't mean it was worse for a man....Was just pointing out that as a man that would be a nightmare....To be contacted to say you have fathered a child via a one night stand.

Of course it isn't in any way shape or form a walk in the park for the woman involved. If fact unfortuneately is that the woman is often left holding the baby which I find very very wrong.

And the man should rightly take care of his own contraception....Hence me going off to talk to my teen about such things.

Hope that clears it up.