Advice on violent partner

[youmedancing]

I think my sister is being or has been a victim of domestic violence.

There's a history of behaviour which might be construed as distancing her from the rest of the family but could just be being busy. I was told by another family member that she'd just found out that it had been going on for years. Police have been called and children are/have been involved.

I haven't spoken to her yet but wonder if anyone else has advice. Anyone been through something similar? I'm concerned that if I handle it wrong that I'll end up making the situation worse but the status quo is obviously untenable. Trying not to make her isolate herself.

[Botanicbaby]

As someone who has previously experienced domestic violence, I can understand someone trying to keep it hidden from others and even 'excusing' the abuser, blaming themselves, feeling like they 'caused' the other person to lose their temper, feeling ashamed, wishing everything could just go back to how it once was.

So on that basis, I'd advise you to just be there for your sister, don't be judgemental and listen if she wants to talk, if she doesn't then let her know that you are there for her and that she is not alone. Frustrating as it may be for you, I think patience is key here.

Sounds like things have come to head now that police are involved but do be aware that many who have been victims of long-term abuse may try to carry on their life as before or be defensive about the abuser. Try not to get angry with them about this, it is very easy to see the right course of action when you are on the outside looking in. For the person being abused, the road ahead is not always so clear.

I hope your sister and her children get away from this abusive person sooner rather than later. Isolation is a key thing that abusers rely on so you are doing the right thing by persistence in keeping in touch.

[perfectstorm]

Nothing to add to that fine advice, except that I am so sorry. Abuse is a ripple effect crime, isn't it - it hurts so many more than the main targets. Loving someone in her position is very hard. But it's fantastic she has a family so willing and ready to support her, too.

[youmedancing]

I'm still piecing it together but I believe the police were called previously years ago but obviously nothing of substance has happened. If the police are called and children are present do social services not automatically get involved? Also if she decided she wanted him to go and he said he didn't want to leave what happens then?

[heyday]

I am presently caught up in the horror and fear of the DV that my daughter is experiencing. It's so complex and so many things get covered up by the mis truths and deceptions of both the perpetrator and receiver of DV and DA.
I was caught up in the dilemma of not knowing if my involving police would, infact, make situation worse. However, one very wise person told me very clearly that the adults in the relationship had to make their own decisions and choices and as they are adults it's difficult to intervene in those but if there are any child protection issues involved then everyone of us has a duty of care to report them to the necessary agencies. The adults usually have some control over the choices that they make but the child usually has no control whatsoever over what it he/she having to experience.
I have found the denial, lies and cover ups by my daughter to be the hardest thing to deal with as it's impossible to gage the situation if the truth is withheld or denied.
Social services do get involved in incidences of DV, however, they rarely do very much as they are so over stretched and quite often on a visit to the home the abuse will often be downplayed or denied so it is difficult for them to see the real picture.
Just be there for her but don't expect to be told the extent of the situation any time soon.

[yougotafriend]

I have been in the same situation with my sister and totally agree that a non-judgemental ear is the best you can offer.

My sister has been away from him for just over a year (after 16yr and 2 DS) and still calls the police regularly, so far no visit from SS. however she recently had to take he 12yr old to a walk in centre after a minor football injury and when she gave her details the nurse asked her to come look at the screen, DV was flagged up on her sons record. At least this shows that agencies do talk to each other, even if it's not always visible to us.

Her ex has been under an arrest warrant for months for breaching a non molestation order but is such a slippery little shit, the police can't actually get him unless they camp outside the flat where they think he lives (not his official address) and of course they don't have the time.

If your suspicions are correct, and when your sister confides in you, It'll be heartbreaking, try to save your tears until you're away from her, she will only feel guilty for upsetting you, on top of the guilt she'll feel for having discussed the situation in the first place

[Mostlyjustaluker]

This must be very worrying. Sorry I don't have any advise but you may find this website helpful

www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-articles.asp?itemid=1296&itemTitle=Support+for+family+and+friends+of+women+experiencing+abuse&section=00010001002200410001&sectionTitle=Articles%3A+domestic+violence